Journey to Thirty #15 - Realization: Altering my ego

Be your alter ego.



I can't speak for the masses, but I am obsessed with my alter ego. She is the part of me brave enough to be everything I am. I'm jealous of that confidence, feminity, and power.

XOXO, elle monroe

Journey to Thirty #14 - Realization: The Bucket List

So after reading an incredible blog by "Nya's mom," I decided to rededicate my time to creating my bucket list. I have created one numerous times that I haven't fully committed to. I'd mark off a few things, and then let go of the idea all together. Now, I'm all in, balls to the wall, ready, set, and go. I am going to accomplish some goals. This won't be by accident. This will be because I made the decision to do something different!

1. Take my education further. I've spent years trying to decide what the next steps are in my educational goals. Honestly, I'm still not certain what the goals are, but I know there's a need to go further. That much I can focus on.
2. Figure out what my educational goals are while continuing my education.
3. Vacation. Vacation every year. Even when money is not perfect, and some goals are not yet attained, I have earned a vacation. I must take time off from work and go somewhere that's not where I live. Even if I don't board a plane, train, or boat, I will take time for myself.
4. Be a successful business owner. I don't have all this business owner stuff down to a science, but I will. I enjoy the pride that comes with business ownership. I even enjoy the work. So it's time for me to do more of the work to get more of the pride. This business will not push itself. I need to clock in to my future. I will find my niche. I will push my niche even further than it was destined to go. I am determined.
5. I always wanted to go Los Angeles and to New York. Check. Check. I wasn't thinking big enough then, but I am now. I want to vacation in Italy. I want to see the city of water before it is under water. I want to take a gondola ride. I want to always be able to say this, insert item, is just a little something I picked up during my vacation in Italy. I want to take 5 cruises. Why 5? Why not 5? I want to cruise with my son. I want to cruise with myself. I want to cruise with my friends. I want to cruise with my husband, who ever he is. And, I want to cruise with our family. 5. I want to have my Passport stamped. I need to get a Passport.
6. Get a Passport.
7. Be published. I've always loved to write. I've been holding out hoping to finish something incredible and have it published for longer than I care to mention.
8. Finish writing something. There are enough started novels, half-assed plots, and pieces of dialogue on my hard drive to fill a library, a small library.
9. Do radio. I like the comfort of hiding behind my words. I doubt that's why many people get on radio, but it's a part of my plan. I'm funny. I'm witty. I also suffer from debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. I would like to be able to showcase me without fear of being a victim of this disorder.
10. I'd like to get over the panic attacks. How can I write a bucket list that's giving my disorder this much power? I want to stop being afraid of the possibility of being afraid or nervous. I want the show I put on for those I'm most comfortable with, my blog readers, and those that hear me occasionally on a voicemail to be who I always am. I don't want to hide from life. I want the anxiety and panic attacks to be something I talk about in the past tense.
11. So although #9 would be tons of fun. I want to be on TV. Let me have 15 minutes of fame, on a regular basis. If I get it, no one will be disappointed.
12. I want to be the outer fashionista I am on the inside. So, as I get my weight in check, my wardrobe in check, and my attacks in check. I want to walk around marketing myself as the fashionista I am inside. I can't be a fashionista, fashion blogger, opinionated ass, and stylist wearing yoga pants, a print tee, and a scarf. Well I could, because I make that outfit look really fly, but I need variety. I need versatility. I need to portray who I claim to be. I can't really do that well in yoga pants, a print tee, and a scarf. Try as I might, not even I'm that good.

Journey to Thirty #13 - Realization: Trust yourself

I'm a Kanye West fan. As of April 12th, he's done nothing I see as so awful that I'm willing to burn my CDs. He's an incredible artist.
That was the prequel to...I spent the 5+ mile drive to work listening to Kanye's Bring Me Down ft. Brandy on repeat. Early in the song he says, "I'm gonna look in the mirror if I need some help." Wow! I've had this CD since the day it was released, but I've never really heard those words before. Those lyrics spoke to me. I need to trust that I have my own answers more.
Trust yourself. Stress would drive me to an ear because I wanted the compassion of someone else. I usually just got added stress. A secret is not a secret once you share it. People do dangerous stuff when they are jealous, angry, or opportunistic. I need to depend on me, and seek solace in the Lord more. I can trust having Him as my confidant.

Journey to Thirty #12 (#11 cont...) - Realization: What do I want...today?

I typically have an awful time getting out of bed everyday. I battle headaches often. I am sleep deprived. I start everyday with at least 5 things I didn't finish the day before. I am exhausted, but lots of people are.
So, I roll over to snooze my alarm each morning and ask myself what do I want today. I need this question. Most mornings I just want to remember to relax no matter what. But the details do fall. I want to pay forward my fashionista success. First step in that direction is the blog about the amazing shoes the world, or my few followers, must know about. Secondly, turning yesterday's idea of an incredible earring, into an incredible earring. I want to put my best face forward by remembering to put on my new overpriced mascara to show of the benefits of my Latisse regime and the bronzer. I love bronze on skin, jewels, shoes, clothes, and handbags! I have a million people depending on me to put them on an imaginary peddle stool. How? I have to be prepared to give them what they need without giving up all that I need. These are the things I want today.
It's a constant conversation in my head. It's the determination of my needs and what it will take to fulfill them...every single day

Journey to Thirty #11 - Realization: What do I want?

"What do you want?" At 3:45pm on Thursday April 15th, God asked me that question. It hit me with such an undeniable force I had to start writing immediately. So, in the times of technological wonderment, I picked up a pen. I need to get my thoughts out old school.
What do I want? That's an intimidating question. I want to answer it correctly. I don't want to put the wrong energy in the universe.
I want success with stability, love, respect, and trust. I want good health and laughter. I want my son to have all these things. I want them for my friends and family. I want them for all of us, everyone.
I want to better develop my niche and grow my business. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want to make decisions that will positively affect more people than I can even imagine.
I want to see past limitations designed by simple minded people. I want to explode through the glass ceiling.
I want romance. I want to be in love. I want a traditional family for myself and my son. I want my family to be strong and healthy. I want us to live happily ever after for as long as God allows.
I want peace. I want to be void of gossip, drama, and chaos.
I may just want it all.

Journey to Thirty #10 - Realization: Everything happens for a reason

I have always believed in the existence of a higher power. I grew up in church. I was on the usher board and sang in the junior choir. I paid at every offering and participated in every program. I didn't have strong faith though. It's hard to have strong faith when you're obsessed with the logical and rarely trusting. It's hard when you don't have many strong relationships to lean on and spend too much of your time on the defense. I have been tested by God, but it was fair because I have tested God.
I have been knocked around by life. I have tried to do the right thing, but often come up short. I have made bad decisions, but I have learned lessons. I am not defined by others. I am defined by who I am, the choices I make, and the life I live. I have to protect my identity from evil to walk with God.
Recently, God has begun explaining some things to me. There are still tests and challenges. I still face obstacles. The difference this time is I can see why. My faith is building because God has given me time to mature enough to realize who He is. The first thing He has blessed me with is the ability to see past what some may call coincidence.
I met a man some years ago. I thought he and I were going to get married. I was walking around wearing his ring. Then, I peed positive on a pregnancy test. All of a sudden my priorities changed. I wanted to keep wearing his ring, but put my energy into my growing baby. When the engagement died, so did the relationship I knew. This man I thought so much of turned on me. I ended up in an abusive relationship before I knew it. I was scared, lonely, and pregnant. I was mourning the family I thought I was going to give my child. I was everything I never wanted to be. I was a single mother about to raise a son. I didn't know anything about bringing a son into a world that didn't always look kindly on black men. I did what I thought was best. I packed my life in cardboard boxes and came back home. I was devastated.
I'd lived in Dallas for almost five years when I left. I had established myself in that town. I had friends, a great career, and a life I loved. I felt like it had been riped away. I was mourning that life. I was hurt, and I was angry.
We came back to Texarkana. I moved back into a home with a mother that wasn't so fond of me, and a father planning his own escape. I had picked the safest of two battles, or so I thought. What I later realized was that God put me back here to enjoy the grandmother he was planning to call home, do my part to have peace with a tortured mother/daughter relationship, and to give my son a life without unnecessary chaos. God gave me a gift. My grandmother did pass away. I ultimately lost a friend in her, but I appreciated the blessing God gave me with that time. My mother and I are still often strained, but I did what I could. I was open and honest. I am kind to her. If she is not receptive, that's okay. I have done what I need to do to hear "well done," on judgement day. My son is happy and healthy. We're a safe distance from the unstable relationships brought on by his father.
Everything happens for a reason. No door will ever close without a window opening. God will never take you to anything He can't bring you through. There is no coincidence. The time we're given on this planet is brief. God can't rely on telling you the lesson. He can't expect anyone to just learn it on their own. God takes you through the lesson so that you will remember it forever.

Journey to Thirty #9 - Realization: Condoms aren't fool proof

Condoms do not protect from liars, cheaters, or broken hearts. Condoms only try to prevent the exchange of bodily fluids to prevent pregnancy and the spread of STDs. They are not 100% effective at their job. Why would you think they would do extra stuff?
I've handled a number of relationships backwards. I dove into bed with a man expecting to grow the foundation along the sexual path. There's not a lot of conversation and getting to know each other during the throws of passion. I can only remember some groans, moans, and the occasional call out to God. I didn't learn that he had a girlfriend, a baby on the way with another woman, and a few girls waiting in the wings. I didn't learn that he was scared from a previous relationship. He wasn't interested in commitment, and he didn't even get his STD testing on a regular basis. I did learn that he shook before he came, liked the lights on, wanted to talk my ear off during cuddling, and had a slight foot fetish. I know he loved my breast, and if he thought he could get away with no condom he would. Nothing concrete I could build a relationship on though.
Be careful. Be very protective with your body. The door to your heart is not located in your sex. Condoms are not foolproof. Condoms are not designed to do anything more than stop the sharing of bodily fluid, and they aren't 100% effective at that. Protect your feelings with more than just a condom.

Journey to Thirty #8 - Realization: Everyone is not your friend

Once friendship meant a lot to me. I wanted lots of friends. I wanted to be well liked and popular. The older I get the more I realize surrounding yourself with lots of people surrounds you with lots of drama.
Everyone is not your friend, and they don't all mean you well. I have been through some unfortunate things, and I don't trust freely. I have to protect myself from people who see kindness as weakness and make it their mission to take advantage of others. Be careful of who you call your friend.

Journey to Thirty #7 - Realization: Titles

Titles mean a lot in my life. I like to live out my titles. I prioritize my life by them. Everyday when I wake up I'm a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a business owner, and an employee. I am wearing all of those hats every day, constantly. They never come off my head. I never have the convenience of just being Leandrea. Even in the moments when I would like to just be Elle Monroe, my alter, I first have to be everything else, Leandrea, and then Elle. It's tough, but it's my truth.

I am constantly prioritizing my life around these titles. First thing in the morning I start being multiple titles. I wake up to an alarm, on my iPhone, that I purchased to make it easier for me to be a business owner on the go. I check the weather and my email. I'm a business owner, employee, and mother that needs to know how cool or warm to dress her child. I wash my face. I brush my teeth. I get to be Leandrea briefly behind the closed bathroom door. Then I'm a mother. I get my son ready. I prepare his breakfast. I take him to school. Then I turn into an employee. I dress for success while hoping that I'm noticed as a business owner while I'm being an employee. I give my job a minimum 8 hours of my life daily. But, keep my business owner and mother hats near by.
Mother trumps everything. Mother always trumps everything. Mother can stop me from making jewelry for a customer, putting out a fire at work, being the perfect daughter, a listening friend, or a supportive sister. Mother trumps everything.
I eventually leave work, but because my business owner phone doubles as a employee catchall, I'm never without the employee hat it seems. I switch back into a mother primarily. I pick up my son, talk, play, prepare dinner, do bath time, and dress for bed. I juggle being a listening friend, a supportive sister, and a perfect daughter during this time. I try to cram in business owner while avoiding being an employee. It's difficult.
Then at the end of the day. When the sun has long since retreated and quiet is surrounding the house. I go back into the bathroom and close the door behind me. I get to be Leandrea again, briefly.

My little story is true, but this is more about how our titles can rope us into situations we don't want. I'm a sister. I'm the sister to an incredible woman who I think the world of. She is the woman who wakes to let the sun out in the morning, :). She's a powerful force that pushes me to be better without ever saying a word. I love my sister.
I have this brother who I realized, recently, I don't really like. The day came in my life that I had to take his "I love you because you are my brother" title away and just look at him as a man. If he was just any man, I wouldn't allow him in my life. I would consider our relationship toxic. So how do I separate myself from a toxic relationship that I'm supposed to be committed to? I feel bad, and this has stressed me out.
He's never done anything tangible that would cause me to hate him. It's the opposite. He's done so little it's caused me to question what his worth is in my life. I was the little sister that thought my brother could do no wrong. I thought he was the smartest, funniest, and best man on the planet. I excused the fact that he never desired to build a relationship with me. Then I realized that if this man were to prove that every excuse he'd made about his availability in my life were true, he would still not consider my worth in the same league of his. He would never value my opinion, feelings, or intelligence. He would always use me until his needs were met. Wow! I would never allow this from a man I dated. Why am I allowing this from my brother? It's similar to the old saying that you shouldn't meet those you idolize. They can never live up the image you have have of them.
Now, am I bitter? Absolutely, but more at myself than at him. I allowed this. I walked into this situation time and again. I would tell anyone else that if you cannot respect who I am, you aren't allowed in my life.
I will not settle in relationships. I will not give a title more power than I give myself. He is my brother. I love him. I will do anything for him, but allow him to make me feel like I'm less than what I am.

I am obsessed with titles. I think about them daily. I prioritize them to death. I will always juggle them in my head, but I will not allow a title to give someone power or purpose they don't deserve.

Journey to Thirty #6 - Realization: Lust doesn't last

You cannot build a relationship on lust. You cannot expect that someone will ever make the changes you want, or need, them to make in their personality or character. There is a strong chance that what you have is what you will have.
I have been very guilty of establishing relationship with the so called perfect man. He looks good on paper. That typically means he is handsome, employed, has a good family, and buys me pretty things. Actually that doesn't guarantee he's all of those things. He may just be some of them. Now coming from a good family must be on the list. I'm not signing up for crazy! So, I fall head over heels in love. We have sex, and because God is tricky, it's incredible. I am done.
Then shortly after it starts, it ends. But we continue to sleep together, because it seems right.
Things get far more complicated than they should be, and I'm devastated before long.
So I get it, you can't build a relationship off a checklist. You can't jump into bed with someone you aren't sure you can hold a conversation with. You can't give you heart to the man that just buys you what you ask for. You can't expect that everything will fall into place as easily as your bodies entwined. That's silly. It's crazy.
My mother once told me that I should look at the father of my crushes. My handsome man will grow to look like him. The day could come that sex is no longer an option I want. What happens when he's purchased everything I ever wanted? Am I really into him, or is he just the best thing going right now? Will I regret my choice one morning as I realize I've committed to all his annoying behaviors? Is he just generally annoying as a person?
There was a man that was handsome and strong. He made me feel beautiful, but he was also as dumb as a box of rocks! He couldn't carry a conversation if it was about him. He was exhausting. I'd been roped into dating him because he was my type. I love a buff, not too buff, light skinned, not to light skinned, good hair having, deep voice talking, gorgeous man! IN MY LIFE EXPERIENCES, those have been my idiots. So he was dismissed quickly, but it took him months to figure it out, LOL.
I have had to make a change. Sex is no longer on the table. I'm dating for life now, no more fun and games. If it is not a potentially OUTSTANDING fit, I'm not even participating. Charity is for those in need. My needs are few, and that's not one.
Lust doesn't last.

Journey to Thirty #5 - Realization: I am late for success

So I spent the weekend doing all the things I typically do. I caught up on the laundry, made some jewelry, relaxed, and tried to watch most of my DVR stuff. Well during all of these things I got hit with a major revelation. I am super late for success. Don't get me wrong I'm not out of time, but I'm figuring out some key things late in the game.
So Sean Combs accepted his BET Honor, however long ago (DVR), and he spoke about the drive and determination he had from a young age. He set some incredible goals and did not rest until they were obtained. Then there are all these other young people sitting on bank accounts and owning businesses that are far more than just impressive. Everywhere I turned, in every magazine, on every channel there were more people like him. I mean young established millionaires even in their 20s?! It's possible, and it's being done.
I think I have spent too much time resting. I have relied on the false guarantee of tomorrow, paying or charming my way to the next level, and just "waiting it out." This is why my accomplishments are in the negative in comparison to some others. When I look at all the great entrepreneurs I obsess over, these are people who made lemonade with their lemons, sold the lemonade until people got hooked, and then sold the company for mega bucks. These are people who didn't rest. They didn't stop. They made their presence known.
I haven't consistently done any of those things. I have been standing in the trench, but quietly waiting to be noticed. Then if someone notices me I may have an anxiety attack and give the credit to someone else. What's wrong with me?! I know that the millionaires club doesn't mean anyone is better than I am, but I do recognize that their efforts have been better than mine.

I am super late for success, and that's no longer okay. I want to pave a way for myself and my family. I want to be in a position to say to my son that I will do whatever it takes for you to make your dreams a reality. Because, no one is out there waiting to hand you anything. We will do the work and reap the benefits. I will be the example he needs to be sure he is not late for success.

Journey to Thirty #4 - Realization: I'm single. So what?!

So I'm watching Oprah, again, and it just sparked another realization. There was a beautiful 40 something year old woman trying to fix her "single" problem. What?! I'm not that much of an oddity! There are other single women on this planet. Some of them are even older than me. I don't have to purchase a cat or any of the other stereotypical single lady crazy!
No need to put that much energy in obtaining the right relationship. He will come when the time is right. Take this time to become, or fine tune, who you want to attract. I realize that I can't expect to find the perfect man when I am so imperfect. I rather wait and get my ducks in a row to attract a man with his ducks in a row. Would you want to date a man like you?
I had to learn to ask myself that question. When I took a hard financial hit and was working out some kinks on my credit, did I want a man like me? When I was struggling to figure out the next career and life step, did I want to find a man like me? While I'm working 12 hours a day, at least, between my job and my business, do I want to attract a man doing the same? Or, would I rather be comfortable in the management of my finances and credit and my job and business to appreciate the man who's got his stuff together too? I think I rather get me together and attract the man who's got himself together too. Then we can live happily ever after with growing successful careers and businesses and zero down 100% financed.

Journey to Thirty #3 - Realization: Mutilation

"Self mutilation is a broad term for a "complex group of behaviors" resulting in destruction of one's own tissue. These behaviors, including scratching, burning or cutting the skin, pulling out hair, breaking bones, amputation, etc..." http://answers.yahoo.com/
I scratched the surface of my self until I was almost destroyed. I burned my self esteem. I allowed others to cut me deep. My stress level had my hair falling out. I was broken, and I'm sure amputation was around the corner. I'd put myself in situations and relationships that I knew I was better than. I continuously mutilated who I was. I had no depth. I molded myself to be who ever someone else needed me to be from 19 or 20 until I was about 25. I was a good daughter. I was a great girlfriend. I was the perfect friend. I spoke when it was appropriate and always said just the right thing. I did what should be done and smiled the entire time. I was perfect in any situation, but I don't think I had much of my own personality. That set me up for failure in every avenue of my life.
I began to realize, as my relationships crumbled, that it's hard for people to accept drastic change. I can sympathize though. I went from yes, okay, whatever you want, sure I will do it, and damn near kissing feet, to having a real backbone. I began to develop my own personality and stopped mirroring huge portions of someone else's. I stopped being a chameleon, and started being myself. People dropped like flies. Some dropped off, but others I walked away from when I saw our compatibility die.
Popularity meant a lot to me once. The older I get the more I appreciate my alone time. I don't want to become a recluse, but I do want to wait out quality compatible relationships. I know what I desire from friends and romance. Well, the surface level is determined. I still have a lot of learning and work to build concrete relationships. One thing I do know is that if I can't have the perfect fit, I rather not have the relationship at all.

Journey to Thirty #2 - Realization: Rewards

When I was growing up both of my parents had financially rewarding careers, and because of that, they wanted to give me everything! I didn't have to earn much. Don't get me wrong, I was a good kid. I never got in any trouble, and in a way, I was always proving myself worthy of what I received. That, and I was spoiled to the max!
When I ventured out in to adulthood, I kept that life style. I damn near ruined my credit. I bought what I wanted, and when I wanted it. I didn't take in mind that my income was less than 1/3 of one of my parents. Plus those household bills I now had, neither of them was using their single income to cover ALL of them like I was. They had developed a plan. They had established a savings. They were making sacrifices. I didn't do any of those things.
Obviously, this has been a hard lesson. Now, I was force fed sacrifice around 24. Motherhood and sacrifice were like a buy one get one free, but the others are a constant work in progress. I'm working hard and heavy on weight loss, and one of the gazillion websites I visit, for motivation and guidance, recently ran an article all about rewards. Eureka! So I should shop, not because I see something pretty, but because I reached a goal. It's called a reward? It translates into everything?
So now, I have a plan. My plan is only new clothes in new SMALLER sizes and exciting trips with a reasonable a budget. I'm working to lose some weight. Why am I investing money in clothes that, if all goes as planned, won't even fit in time for me to get my money's worth? And, once I've put money aside only then will I go on an exciting vacation. No more quick weekend getaways just because. I'm not going to keep wasting my time and money on mini vacations that aren't even worthy of picture taking. If I'd put together the money spent on a few of those, I could board a plane to somewhere fabulous! And, I can force myself to eat like a rabbit if I'm saving calories and money for a few Tex-Mex treats once a goal has been reached. Well maybe a carnivorous rabbit.
Who would have thought this reward thing could be so appealing?

Journey to Thirty #1 - Realization: Happy Birthday

Realizations: I'm sure this is just the first of many realizations as the year progresses. I actually already have numerous realizations just waiting for their turn on this blog. But, let's start this slowly with my anger about not getting birthday wishes from the two men that always seem so desperate to rip off my clothes in the throws of passion. Interesting.
If there is a man in your life that doesn't remember your birthday he's not the right man for you. I'll go much further in depth as my journey to thirty progresses, but the short of the long is you should be memorable. I woke up, this 29th birthday, to my FB wall filling up with birthday wishes. I had text messages pouring in and the phone ringing ridiculously. I loved every second of it! I'm still loving every second of it! But during the hoopla I realized the most recent crash and burn relationship never said a word and the one before him didn't either. Huh?! During the complexities of these relationships they claimed to adore me. Then why can't you remember the only day on the calendar that belongs to me? If I was so important it would have rang in your ears like a tardy bell. But, you promise you want me back. You want me back bad!!!!
Now of course I couldn't wait until the 11th hour to remind them of this mistake. I did it 15 minutes ago. I wanted my "Happy Birthday!" Plus, the nervous laugh that followed my, "did you honestly forget my birthday," was great for my buzz. Well just as if they were one person they both apologized fifty thousand times, promised me gifts I'll probably never see, and asked if I wanted birthday sex. Ummm, nope. I'm not looking for sex from anyone, but even if I was hard up, no super hard up, I wouldn't want yours if I had replaced my girl parts with someone else's goodies. No thanks.
Some may say birthdays are no big deal, but to me they are. The card I sent on their birthdays were big deals, and the thoughtful gift I purchased, when the love was there, was appreciated. Give me, at the very least, the same back! Because my main complaint in matters of the heart is that men don't make their actions match their words. If you claim to care so deeply, love me with your whole heart, and can't see yourself with any other girl, remember my damn birthday loser!

Journey to Thirty - Introductions

I'm 29 years old. I'm on the cusp of 30. I'll be 3 decades old before I know it. That means I'll be 946,080,000 seconds old, 15,768,000 minutes old, 262,800 hours old, 10,950 days old, 1,560 weeks old, 360 months old. If any of this math is incorrect, I'm not surprised. I'm getting older and my mind isn't as sharp as it once was.
I can't believe how time has flown by in my life. I am approaching an age that seemed so "mature" 10 years ago. It was "like 30," with a tight wrinkle free look of disgust on my face. I'm shocked, but I'm thankful. Thank you God for taking me on this journey, because we both know I cooked up numerous recipes for disaster over the last 10 years. I've made it though. Just watch my God work, honey!
So that's what I'm calling this. It's my JOURNEY TO THIRTY! I'm going to chronicle this year. I want to look back on lessons learned, heartbreak, disaster, and growth and learning. I've come a long way baby! I want to celebrate it from 29 to 30 and from 30 until God says the ride is over. (Now Lord, I'm working on cute little titles from here to age 1000 so let's not cut this ride short.)

20
I don't remember anything about my 20th birthday. It just doesn't stand out in my mind. I'm sure there was some sort of celebration. There was almost always some sort of birthday celebration. I remember that someone pointed out to me when I was nearing age 20 that my teens would soon be over. I probably high-fived them. It's funny but from the time you figure out age you are on the fast track to getting older. When I turned 12, I just wanted to be 13 and a teenager. When I turned 15, I just wanted to be 16 and get a driver's license. When I turned 17, I just wanted to be 18 and an adult. Then when I turned 20, I just wanted to be 21 and go look mature sitting at any body's bar with a legal drink in hand. Maybe that's why 20 is a blur. It wasn't so significant. I wasn't seizing the days. I was hurrying them past.
I remember that at age 21 I rushed to a bar. I just wanted to be able to purchase a drink, any drink. I just wanted an alcoholic beverage in my 21 year old hand. Then the bartender failed to card me. That broke my heart. Did I look old? No, it was a college town,and there was a strict don't ask don't tell code. I mean old? What was I thinking? I haven't even met old. This is still my prime, honey!
It began to get a little cloudy for me at 22. I started a relationship that I thought was perfect. He was beautiful, and he thought I was a dream. We played this dangerous game with each other's emotions. There was jealousy, infidelity, promiscuity, and competition. We called it love. I was so wrapped up in who he was that I again lost my identity. I was good at that. I would mold myself into the perfect mate or friend. Before I knew it, I was no more than his girlfriend or their friend. That was dangerous. It is so incredibly true that if you don't stand for anything, you will fall for everything. And, I did.
I was redefining myself often. It was like the second round of puberty. I had a good idea of who and what I wanted to be, but there was no foundation. I realized later that because no one ever helped me focus on molding who I was, I'd only learned how to mold myself to another person. I'm not proud of that. I'm such a strong and multifaceted person, but I spent years doing myself a major disservice. You should never allow yourself to be defined by other people. Take as much time as you need to learn enough about you that you can build a strong sense of true self. That's important. I wish someone had helped me with that. I wish I could have been strong enough to fight to be who I wanted to be. Life probably would have been drastically different. However, I am who I am NOW because of the lessons I learned along the way.
Most of 22 and 23 were the same life lived over and over with different people. I had dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. I was so needy, but I thought you just give to get. I didn't know you were supposed to make demands and not settle for less. It's funny now because it all seemed so obvious. But I was starved for attention and affection. I had this incredible family that only seemed to know how to talk about love. We weren't that great at showing it. I needed a mother daughter and father daughter relationship that included trust, friendship, and reliability and I didn't get that. My parents had their own issues, and because I wasn't keeping up much noise I got lost in the shuffle.
Then 24 came around, and it finally felt like I was getting it all together. I had a career that I was great at. I lived in a town that I loved. I saw a future. It wasn't perfect, nor was it scratching my entrepreneurial itch, but it was great for me. I was dating a guy who was crazy about me, and I was finally feeling like there was equal sacrifice. I was his fiance, with the ring to prove it. Wedding plans were underway, and then the pregnancy test came back positive. My life went into mass hysteria. I was so excited about having a baby, but I knew I didn't want to have a baby and become a wife. Strange, I know, but I wanted to concentrate on one life altering thing at a time. Then it all fell apart around me.
Who would have thought that my seemingly perfect life could crash and burn in the blink of an eye? I started 24 in bliss, but by the time it ended I was packing up my life, and newborn, and moving back into my parents home. Life did a 360 without any warning. I was hiding from an abusive man, trying to pick up the pieces of my destroyed life, and battling depression, all with a baby in tow. I though I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I almost did. I may have. I chained smoked, gained insane amounts of weight, and slipped back into my 22 year old self. Failure.
So 25 and 26 were a total fog. They were wasted with me standing around expecting someone to save me. I was a victim of a number of tragic situations, but everyone has bad stuff happen to them. Instead of fighting back, I'd turned my life off completely and become nothing more than a victim. 27 and 28 had foggy parts. It was more about calling bad decisions foggy misunderstandings. At one point, I felt like I could lose control, but I didn't. Wow, I'm stronger than I thought. I'm blessed. I refused to fall apart, because there was no time and no desire. I had stuff to do. I had this kid to raise and this future to plan. I returned to school at 26. I let go of being a victim. I began thinking, seriously, about the future. I took a chance and finally picked a major, marketing. I completed the real estate program. I became a super student. Then at 27, I established a business. My marketing classes caused my the entrepreneur in me to take shape. I began a jewelry company, a blog, and shaping myself into an all-things-fashion consultant. Wow!
At 28, I took another break from school and rejoined the workforce. Now freshly 29, I am a single mother, business owner, and Membership and Marketing Specialist for the Girl Scouts Diamonds. I'm also returning to school in the summer. Although something had to give for a few months, I really miss being a student. I have a busy and demanding life. I am being pulled in multiple directions, and I'm short 24 hours everyday. I'm happy though.
Following, "I'm happy though," is I'm single. That's not a bad thing. It's tough at times, but it's not the end of the world. I finally realized that I suck at relationships, and I'm not ready to be in one. I was this needy, go for anything, girl. I figured out a lot when I dated this last guy. He was in the foggy parts of 27 and 28. Shortly after we faked commitment, I found out about his girlfriend. Then there was the fun of the pregnant ex-girlfriend calling. Then the continued complications of our "relationship." He and I played with my sanity up until...couple days before today. Not literally a few days ago, but it took a long time for me to realize that anyone doesn't beat no one. He's bad news. He's not good in my life. He means me no good. Some relationships are only to put you in the time and place for better relationships. He was a lesson. Now, the next man that comes along will appreciate the maturity and strength I have. I'm not bitter. I'm not going to punish the next man. I was not forced into the madness I went through. I walked that journey with both eyes wide open. I just thank God I made it through with negatives down the STD board, a tightly handled bank account, and my total sanity! Take that fool!
I'm not ready for a relationship, and I won't be until God puts the right man in my path. I'm not looking. When you look for a relationship you find a relationship. Then you regret it all.
29, this is going to be one hell of a year. I have weight loss and health plans taking shape. I'm looking at saving MUCH MUCH MUCH more money than I spend, and making plans that will outlast the day. I am going to spend more time thinking big, living out loud, and becoming a much better me than I've been in the past. This is not a dress rehearsal. I can't keep living my life for or through other people. I need to stand on my own two feet, fight past the anxiety, and allow myself to grow in a positive direction!

I'm back!

So it's been ages, but I'm back! I have been working crazy hours with my business, a "regular" job, and single parenthood. I'm fulfilled, almost, but typically out of time for most anything else. I'm recommitted though. I'm ready to get back to this blog. It's like my online diary, and I've missed it.

I'm starting a new feature to this blog. It's going to be called my journey to thirty. I'm turning 29 on the 24th of January, in just a few days. My twenties have been so crazy, yet strangely rewarding, and I want to chronicle this last year. I think it will be fun discussing some of the things I've learned. I will start it off by reviewing some of the unsuccessful decisions I've made in my 20s and what I've learned from them. Please take this ride with me. I think it'll be worth a laugh or two at least!

I know the secret to business success

Okay knowing the secret to business success and being able to use it are two totally different things. They are completely, drastically, different things. So the secret is that first you need to be able to make or do something no one else has the desire to make or do or something no one else is able to make or do to guarantee business success. That's my problem. If you build it, they may or may not come. This is the truth. I make a quality product. I don't even care about the nay sayers because I pour a lot of me into my jewelry designs and I know they are well made and BEAUTIFUL. But, it's important for me to realize there are a lot of great jewelry designers out there that make fantastic products too. I'm not doing something no one else can do or lacks desire to do. I have to revamp my business. I have to add something new and amazing. This is important to guarantee the success of blaisedENVY, and me and my child and his children and his children's children.

I know that what I know, I know, I know. I don't know everything, but I pride myself on being a master of a FEW things.

ODE TO MY FOLLOWERS

Very often I read a comment that I wish I could respond to personally. You all are such motivating and beautiful people. I feel very blessed to have people follow me who send me such warm thoughts. I get great comments that help lift me out of bad moods, give me a new perspective on things, or just offer a laugh. For all of this, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you! Please know that your words are very much appreciated!

From my heart to you, with lots of love

Holier than thou

So the other day Jackie Burkhart confessed to pushing men towards her own goals just to be disappointed later. I was watching reruns of That 70's Show. So, I thought about this. I stepped outside of myself and just focused on how women screw up relationships by demanding too little or too much.

Then today I was sitting with the neighbor girl talking about her love life. I was so holier than thou. I was giving her all my 28 year old wisdom, probably overwhelming her 19 year old brain. It was the standard. I'm sure someone had told me these things when I was young, dumb, and in love. Don't lose yourself in your boyfriend. In 6 months to a year this relationship will seem so trivial to you. Trust your instincts. If something seems wrong investigate, but only if it's worth it. Do not investigate like CSI just pay attention. Typically men aren't that interested in hiding anything well. Don't date anyone that's not at least your equal in terms of drive, dedication, and motivation. Do not settle for less than what you know you are worth having. If you don't know what you are worth having, ask a true friend. A true friend will tell you 100 times more than you initially thought. Don't take his crap! If he cannot respect you at all times, in all situations, let him go. Never fight for a man not worth fight for, it's tacky. Never, under any circumstances, have a physical altercation, it's low class.

So I'm sitting across from her, both of us sitting with our legs crossed. She's hanging on my every word, and I'm hanging on Jackie Burkhart's every word. Because, I need to hear myself better. I have been sacrificing, settling, and making excuses. I have only had half a man when I've had something to call a man. No more! I'm going to take my own advice. Because I give the best advice, ask anyone. But, my life has been topsy turvy because I've been sitting with my legs crossed acting holier than thou.

Am I giving my son my cravings?

I just noticed that I am pushing all my cravings off on my son. It's funny and ridiculous. It's like breaking a vase and blaming it on a child.

Case in point: I am calorie counting right now. Well this is a lifestyle change, so I'll be calorie counting for life. This is devastating! The craziest part about calories are you could never guess how many you are eating if you tried. It would always be wrong. If you measure your food you would see you eat too much. This is a terrible revelation. It proved the point that if you eat yourself 3/4's full you will be totally satisfied. Your food does expand or your belly realizes how much you ate. I don't know, but it happens. I am having epiphany's daily, and I'm being struck with sadness. This is why. There are always sweets here, always. We seldom eat them. We still have candy purchased at Easter and Christmas here. There are cookies baked, and brownies came into the house yesterday. I am being harassed by chocolaty evil. All of a sudden I am desperate for these things, because I won't allow myself to have them. (I'm good at willpower as long as there's consequence and clear cut goals.) There are far too many calories in these things for me to indulge, at least this early in the game. I'm scared just one will send me back to the land of the forever fat. So, I go to the kitchen, open the Tupperware, salivate over cookies and brownies, then pick one up with stars in my eyes. I get so excited. Then I snap back into reality and call my son. I give it to him, disguised as a treat for a behavior he only half way did, and then watch him with longing. I've done this twice now. I am so ashamed, but in my defense he burns more calories than I do anyway. Later, I feel so awful I double up on his veggies. So we sit across from one another eating something raw and healthy with fake smiles on our faces. Actually judging from the little bit of chocolate in the corner of his mouth, he's smiling for real.

Why is it so hard?

I love my son. I love how cute and intelligent he is. I even love how manipulative he is. I love everything about him. BUT, there's always a but even with mother child/relationships, I get incredibly frustrated with the potty training regression!

Blaise can read as well as any kid entering first grade, hell probably better. He amazes me with words on a daily basis. He knows his numbers and can operate any electronic item known to man. He's a brain!

Blaise hates to potty. He has had a few pee-pee accidents, but nothing extreme. Now pooping is the devil though. I don't understand. For many months he pooped fine then decided it was too much work. He rather poop on himself than to poop in the potty. I have to watch for cues, make him get on the potty, threaten his life, and wait. It's nothing for him to go through 6 pair of undies in an evening with poop stains. It's nothing for me to take him off the potty, stress out that he did nothing, to have him poop on himself moments after we wash our hands. I'm fed up! I've done everything people say do. I've stood in the room. I've coached. I've encouraged. I've spanked. I've lost my mind. I've done everything and nothing works. Absolutely nothing has worked.

I am at the end of my rope! Will he just get it one day? We've been going though this for 6 months now. Why did he regress? Nothing tragic has ever happened in his life, and he lives a pretty great life. Why is it so hard?

I can't die, because I have far too much to live for

I have made major changes in my life lately. I quit smoking. I'm working diligently to loss weight, tone up, exercise, and get healthy. I have committed myself to this business, blaisedENVY. I'm putting more into my relationship with God. I have made major changes and adjustments in my life.

Why???

I have this amazing son I want to watch grow into an amazing man. I have dreams unfulfilled. I have plans. I have too much to live for to worry about dying. That's it. I can't die, because I have far too much to live for.

Be blessed because God is real! Even though I am an emotional wreck, I know that. This is why I am so confident I can beat my issues and keep growing to be an amazing woman.

Amen

Dining with friends

There's this woman, a soldier, who tithes at my church. She has done so sight unseen. She had never visited my church, to my knowledge. Her tithes followed a man, well two men. She moved her money when we got a new pastor. He was a member of her church before he became leader of ours. He is an amazing man with an amazing wife and family. I can understand why she would support this church. It's the reason why I support this church, I believe in the vision. So amazed with her faith and humbled by her military sacrifice, a number of the women of St. John Missionary Baptist Church went out for dinner this evening. We just met up in the food court of the mall. We socialized, then we went separate ways and got dinner, then we ate, and again we socialized. We walked the mall. We shopped. We laughed. We just enjoyed each others company.

Wow, this is what happens when you are motivated by good. I dined with eight women from varying backgrounds. There was little gossip, lol, but general enjoyment. I feel blessed to be in the company of this positivity. Too often I find that all my girl to girl conversations are about men, gossip, or something else negative. It was so fun to just interact. I think these are my friends. I know I have to manage these relationships just as I have to manage others, but these are women who are going to teach me things I need to know. In that way, they are my friends and I am blessed.

Eat, drink, and be merry!

God wants me to know...that it only takes faith

... that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty.

Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!

I live so much of my life on faith. I realize that believing is essential. I heard a song this evening that basically said if God never does anything else for me He's already done enough. Wow! My faith has insured so much. He has done enough for me, but I have faith that he has made a lot of decisions for my future!