Career v. Student v. Entrepreneur + Mom = Me v. Career + Student + Entrepreneur + Mom = Me

I'm considering big career decision. It would be at two year commitment at minimum. This position would put me back in sales, and I do believe in this product. The downside is that I see it as giving up on my chosen career and my education. Am I turning my back on my drive and my business for the guaranteed successes of someone elses?

I do faithfully attend college. I've found my second wind, and I am back finishing my degree. Would I be throwing all that work away to pursue this career? This is tough. What to do with my massive schooling? I have hours upon hours, multiple certifications, and an Associates Degree. I am down the street from my Bachelors. This work would not be completely utilized in my new career. How do I feel about that?

blaisedENVY has been my passion for the last couple years now. I have created so many beautiful pieces of jewelry. I have so many beautiful accessories and apparel designs left in me. I have crazy potential. I can make this work! Would I be giving up on this dream, this ability, and this work? Can I add 5 - 10 hours to the day and do both? Can I figure out a way to make both work? Is it even possible to make both work?

Bashing this career opportunity does not make it bad. It's still an excellent opportunity that I'd feel like a fool to pass up. I have the chance to jump into a job that will quickly become a very lucrative career. I am sitting atop a gold mine. If I pass this by I will strongly regret it very soon.

So the answer is evident. I must take a shot at this new career. Also, finding or making the time to continue to finish my education and rock blaisedENVY until the wheels fall off. I'm going to have more work on my hands than ever before. This is going to be a defining moment for me. I will be tested. With all of this going on, I'm still a single mom to a attention needing 3 yo. I can do this. The harder I work today, the longer I get to relax tomorrow!

Business is not booming

I make a fantastic product! Seriously, I do! I make some of the most beautiful jewelry I've seen in a while. It's my opinion though. I take advantage of everything I can get my hands on. I read. I watch. I research. I do everything I can think of to keep growing in this field, this industry. I feel so proud of what I do. I want everyone else to realize my ability and take advantage of what I know and create. Why isn't this easy? Why isn't business booming? I consider myself on the road to expert, because I realize the importance of taking advantage of everyone's knowledge. So again, why isn't business booming? I want to push this to the absolute edge. I want this to be a part of what ultimately defines me. I need this to work as hard for me as I work for it. So, I need to figure out how. That will be next weeks project I guess!

I'm having far too many incidents of self doubt.

Blaise has a new school

So, Blaise is officially a day school student starting Monday. I'm very excited for him. He misses going to school and having fun with his school friends everyday. This is good. He's learning more and more everyday and needs some where to use this new knowledge. Mommy teaches and encourages, but it's different coming from a teacher in a school. So really I'm giddy about my little boy returning to educationville, but what am I gonna do with myself?

As much as I'm driven crazy, tired out, and sleep deprived, I'm used to being with him all day. I don't really know what to do with myself without my kid in tow. I'm nervous. I'm about to start a new job, looking at some major changes as far as my biz, and trying to make some lifestyle changes. I am not without something to do. It's just that it will really be without my son for many of the hours of the day. That kind of freaks me out! I'm going to miss Blaise all day. I'm really happy for him. I'm really excited about the fun and learning he's going to get each day, but I'm also a little sad and will be a little lonely.

Maybe it's time for Mommy to grow up?!

Pretty and shiny jet black, blue black, hair

I love my hair black! I look back at pictures of my childhood when I had this thick jet black hair with jealousy and longing. Over the years, through the relaxers and the dye jobs, I have ended up with mousy brown hair. Yuck! So the other day, I dyed my hair blue black! Love it! Immediately it looked healthier and shinier. It's stunning! I'm proud. Even had a very attractive boy comment on it in passing. Very attractive boy. Although very young attractive boy. I have shoes older than that very attractive boy, j/k. So here's more of this rebirth, blah, blah, blah. The new me, that really is just the old me shined up a bit. From a distance I'm working on new and improved, but close up I'll still give you the nice nasty so hard and quick it will cut you to the white meat! Again kidding because really I'm a nice person.

Weight Loss the MONSTER

I was talking to some friends, some professionals, and some other members of the overweight club the other day. We compared secrets, diets, prayers, and hopes. Then we came to the conclusion that none of that stuff works. This is really about changing our lifestyles. We have to be able to make good decisions about good foods. We have to learn when enough is enough. Listen to our body cues of fullness, thirst, and true hunger. We have to be smart about weight loss and life. I get that, but now I have to live it.

Embrace the gym, it is my friend! I enjoy working out, but I hate the workout afterwards. With "relaxed ethnic" hair, I have to wash, heavy condition because of the frequency of washing, blow dry, and flat iron. Then I moisturize and tie it up neatly in my silk scarf. This ensures I don't walk around looking like Buckwheat later. It's a lot of work! I have to motivate myself with a scale in the middle of my bathroom floor. I step on it a gazillion times a day. It's not what they tell you to do, but it reminds me of what I need to be doing!

So I focus on what that nice sweet man in the TLC special said about food and eating.

1. When you are hungry...EAT.
2. Eat what you want, not what you think you should eat.
3. Eat consciously.
4. When you are full...STOP!

I have added chug water like you're at a vegan frat party. This makes sense. Duh! It's not easy, but it makes sense. You eat what you want when you want, but with full focus. Savor every bite of your food. Eat it slowly, consciously, so you can hear your body cues. When you have had enough, stop.

I've made changes. I workout with full faith that I just have to show up, do the work, and the results will undoubtedly come. I binge on Subway instead of On the Border, lol, when I do binge. I cut out deep fried foods and sugary drinks. I drink and eat more consciously. I am proud that this time I feel like I'm doing this the right way. It's not going to be easy or quick, but when I get it down to a science it will stick!

Failure

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." ~Henry Ford


I have failed, of course. Failure is a part of life. It's not focusing on the failure, but on the opportunity that we must be taught. That's one hell of a lesson. I want to find success in seeing the lesson even if I haven't applied it in my life in any way. If that's fair.

I have a considerable amount of failure. At times, I feel I failed on my entire life. I can't count many accomplishments. I am proud of who I am. I feel truly blessed. But, at the end of the day my accomplishments bucket is kind of low. I am still fighting the good fight for multiple degrees that I'm not sure I'm passionate about. It's called a sacrifice. I keep going back to the school for education because I need it, not always an issue of want. I work so hard at my business, http://www.blaisedenvy.etsy.com/, because it's my passion, but often I wonder if it's a failure. If it is, is this my opportunity to continue the changes I've been making or scrap the project and go a different direction. I hope it's not the latter.

The gist of things is that failure doesn't last. You may go to bed with rain, but it will pass through the night. You'll wake to sunshine and a rainbow in the distance. I promise. I am master of failure, getting back up, dusting myself off, and beginning again more intelligently. I am not afraid of failure, I will welcome it. If it gives me the chance to relive, redo, or rework any moment better. I will welcome it. It's the harsh word for guess, test, and revise. Failure and recovery = guess, test, and revise!

I appreciate this body

I was watching Oprah discuss her weight on a past show. She kept saying how much she appreciated her body. I was shocked. I was looking at her appreciate her body with it's new 40 pounds, thyroid issues, and post menopause like, what the hell? It took me so long to understand, even after she began explaining. I had to sit with her revelation for weeks. Now, I appreciate my body. It has taken such a licking to keep on ticking. I am a struggling smoker. I have given birth. I have punished my body for no reason, with diet, with intercourse, with activity. I have treated this temple like a cardboard box, but everyday it works so hard for me. It goes right when I want and left when I want. It gets me up and down. It guarantees my breath, my heart rate, my blood flow, and everything else without a reminder or coaxing. It makes everything possible for me, and never complains. So as a gift back to this body, I'm gonna try harder to kick smoking, workout harder, eat better, and cloth it in garments appropriate for how I feel about it. Because I appreciate this body.

So, instead of just looking at religion to appreciate my temple, I stepped back to see why. This body is dependable and consistent. It gives me clear signs of problems. It works harder for me than I could ever work for it. I love this body, even with its extra weight and imperfections. I love this body.

Ode to the blog, for taking me as I am

I've been thinking blogging was made for people like me. I have so much to say, but not the best grammar.

Oh no!

What if I end up a bitter old woman?! I don't take much from the boys these days. I think I may even be waiting for the boys to screw up enough for me to point it out. So am I turning into a real life bitch. Have I been driven to this point, or am I hiding behind the potential of being driven to this point. Huh? Maybe so. I'm tired of the shenanigans! I just want to find the handsome, successful, kind, trustworthy, stable, and genuine artsy man of my dreams. Is this too much to ask? I mean I'm a cute girl, no a beautiful woman. I have a great head balanced on these shoulders. I'm innovative, honest, an A + dreamer, clocked in mother, consistent to a fault, and ridiculously loyal. I'm establishing my own business. I'm managing my life. I need an amazing man who can get right, because I'm tired of meeting the losers that get left.

Mom to my son

Being a mom is exciting and fulfilling, and being a mom is exhausting and thankless. It's my greatest accomplishment. It's my biggest stress. It's what keeps me going when all of my energies are depleted. I love my responsibilities to my son. I made this choice. I consciously made and carried him. I sat through my 12 hours of labor, after 36 weeks and 2 days. I pushed him out myself, just after the epidural wore off. I did all of that. I got stitched up, wore hospital panties with ice packs in them, and battled hemorrhoids. I earned my title as mother. I would fight to the death for my son. I would walk through fire on glass and push a mountain out of his way with my bare hands. I am committed to the decision I made to have him. I love him.

My son is the biggest manipulator, con man, and charmer the world has ever seen. It's dangerous how he convinces us all to do things with such grace and ease. We are like mindless zombies marching to the beat he allows us. It's amazing. The dimples, the eyes with the long lashes, the pearly white smile, and his adorable one liners are enough to have you writing him checks for your life savings. He's smart. He's so incredibly smart, in more than just a con artist way. At 3 years old he's reading short stores, knows more than 50 words by sight, and can work all the electronics in this house, including my Blackberry. He's a great little decision maker, always goes with his first mind. He's also empathic, and at the end of the day he just wants to make sure that I'm happy.

I love being a mom. I love my son. I love our roles, and yes, I am exhausted, sleep deprived, and guzzling coffee!

www.blaisedENVY.etsy.com

www.blaisedENVY.etsy.com

Entrepreneur

I own a business. I'm the stressed out, proud, owner of a Internet based jewelry company. I am the blood, sweat, and tears behind, in front, beside, on top of, and underneath blaisedENVY. My talent is located at www.blaisedENVY.etsy.com or www.blaisedENVY.com. Who would have ever thought it would be this difficult and time consuming? I have committed to this business though. This is me shaping my destiny, taking control of my life, and doing what makes me truly happy. I love fashion, I love stepping out and staying in, I love the female form, I love knowing what's right for any body type, and I love using my body as a canvas for expression everyday. You can tell my mood by my outfit, my hair style, and my accessories. They speak for me just as well as the expression on my face.

And, I love business. I love marketing. I love the production and planning. I love strategizing. I love everything about it. I think I found my calling. I just want to make sure that I do what it takes to have this stressed out bliss everyday of my life. God help me!!!

I like boys, today at least, and I have a boyfriend

Wow, at some point in the last few days I acquired a boyfriend. Yes, a boyfriend. This post following my last probably would have mouths and eyes wide open. Completely shocked.

I've been playing text message and phone dating with a dear sweet boy from my past. We were never single at the same time. We were never interested, available, willing, or excited at the same time. Then he popped up out of no where just as I was dusting myself off from my last debacle. No worries, I'd had just enough time to not be angry or the bitter black woman. He's talkative, attractive, sincere, and slightly, really, jealous...all the things I like in boys. I fit in him, and vice versa, when we hug. I feel safe and comfortable with him. I think he may be a great passage in my life, however can't count on him being a landing strip this early in the game.

Now with all this good there is some bad. He's terrific, yes, but we have our issues! He's not the greatest communicator. We're at least 175 miles apart. He's super face to face, but for him way more than me, texting and calling get to be a little much. He will always respond, but can take 24-48 hours to initiate if I do not. I'm a call every 15 minutes type, tell you everything type, and just hold the phone type. He says I need another girl-friend, lol. He says he's just not that guy. Is that okay? Could I hold this against him? And, he's a tadbit selffish, in the me do with him in mind, and he do with him in mind kind of way. What about me? Don't know if this is temporary until he gets back into the girlfriend/boyfriend swing of things or if it is what it is.

I like this man. I like this man a whole lot. I want to believe this man could maybe, possibly, be the man, at least for the next while, or so. Because I do like this man. He could certainly be the perfect man for me, if he's the perfect man for me. Either way, I'm gonna ride this wave into shore...hopefully it's an exciting, yet smooth, and incredibly long ride.

Man bashing!

I was sitting at a dinner table tonight wondering how in the world I have ended up in so much drama. I mean, I mind mine. I don't mingle in the world much. I keep my focus on my own business. Yet, I continue to find myself in these drama filled situations. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I'm picking the idiot man that needs drama and bullshit to feel cared for. Then when I don't dish it out he creates it. Why can't I just be your quiet no drama filled friend, with the possibility of benefits? Why must we have to break up daily, compete for each others attention, and argue through text messaging? Why when I'm trying to be the bigger person and avoid the shit, you say what's guaranteed to pull me back in? Why? Why do adult relationships have to be so fucking hard? I mean I'm not husband shopping, boyfriend shopping, and love is a dirty word. How do I have drama?
Also, while I'm man bashing, let me tell all the boys out there if a woman doesn't say you are amazing in any regard it's not to be assumed. Quietly, I have laughed at you, while you built yourself higher than your worth on a variety of topics.

I hate boys, today at least.

Okay, I am frustrated. I am wondering why it is some people can grow down. It's the mysterious case of all the men in my life, play on that B.Pitt movie. Why is it that men think I am waiting for them to sweep in and save me? Seriously, if I needed to be saved I would not be counting on your irrational, unpredictable, asses! Believe that.

Now it's time for the what had happened was. I was dating this guy for a few months or so. We were dating without titles, both realizing we weren't ready for a relationship. He was pretty fresh out of a relationship, and I'm just not ready for the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet. Early on I realized we weren't compatible. He was dating me for kindness and sex, and I was dating him for recreation. We didn't have thought provoking conversations, mind blowing intercourse, or a general great time. It was what it was, two people who enjoyed each other just enough to not walk away from each other. Then he went crazy. It was very unfortunate. He started showing most of his ass, and I got over it! We had a quiet, adult, discussion. He had grown on me enough that I didn't want to lose him. Then he showed his ass again. I was done, not really. We took a break, and when I was over my part of the break I tried to call him. No answer. I thought he was probably still upset. In our disagreements I told him I was no longer interested in sleeping with him. I just wanted to focus on redefining our friendship and nothing more. He didn't like it, but seriously, what could he do? Absolutely nothing. So anyway days, a week, whatever after I wrote his ass off as a mistake never to be mentioned again, he calls. He leaves me a message about how he's met someone, and I just don't fit in his life anymore. Huh? I was irrate. I'm not trying to date you. I don't want your sex. I don't need you in my life, BUT that's my decision to make. I'd already written your tired ass off, why are your coming around now? Anyway though screw you! I was there when you were shit out of luck, feeling down in the dumps, and wondering what life would be like without you. I fed you when you were hungry, once, but still I did. I was your friend. You shit on me, you ridiculous moron. I break this, you don't. So I called, showed my whole ass, adultlike using big words. Then I was done. I can't believe this type of behavior comes from adults!? It's like going into a women's bathroom and it looks as if it's been used by potty training little boys. That kind of stuff confuses me terribly!

Then boy 2. Yes, I had double drama today. I text a boy I'd been crushing on. He immediately though crush meant date you. NO! I don't date my crushes because I build you up higher than you can reach. So he listed the many reasons why I want him, but shouldn't have him. I'll be taken advantage of, hurt, devestated. Huh? You don't have any great possessions I should be chasing after. Cute, you are. Soul stirring, you are not. Listen fella, you just killed my crush.

If it wasn't for my serious attraction to them, I would be done with boys. They really are icky, mentally at least.

Resolution...I hate that word

Okay, I've been thinking over my new year, new ideas, new motivations, new, new, and new. I have come to the conclusion that, in 2009, I will be happy! That's it. Whatever it takes. I'm not allowing anymore drama in my life. I am committing to accomplishing my goals or putting myself on the fast track to doing so. I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm not pausing or putting anything on hold. It's past time for me to get my shit together. And, because life is not a dress rehearsal, I'm ready to perform. Watch me, it's bound to be life changing!!!

Is everyone else in love?

I've been having these long talks with a few girlfriends about love. Is love even worth it? The commitment it takes to allow someone to have that much of you is more than most of us can handle. You are allowing them and their drama, troubles, and skeletons into your life. You are opening yourself up to all they have to offer and need to terminate. Is that worth it? I agree it's nice to have another body in bed, constant movie and dinner companion, and someone to kill the bugs and take out the trash. BUT, I look at the drama I've been in since returning to this area. The man pool is shallow and they know it. I have been bored, lied to, cheated on, harassed, and annoyed. They don't have to be handsome, entertaining, gentleman, because the pool is shallow and they know it!!! So I think I'm gonna be off men. I think I'm going to give up on making something work in hopes that eventually something will just work. Ignoring sex, because lets be honest, there's no sex out there good enough to excuse bullshit! I'm just gonna clock out for a while. In this time I'll rework my list of requirements, or hopes and dreams, and make sure that I'm not asking for anything I cannot supply. So to everyone out there living hopelessly in love, congrats and I hope it doesn't bite you square in the ass!

LOVE?

You know what's funny, I watch these dramatic shows during primetime and I focus on the love part not the drama part? What does that mean? I know that love is a HUGE part of my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my God, and I love my kiddo. That's in no particular order. I don't know if the partnership love is missing in my life right now or not. Am I just over analyzing the lovey dovey part of my personality? Of course everyone is looking for everlasting unconditional love, but I haven't had a place for it in my life in years. Is my life craving it? Or am I just tired as all hell and stressed? Don't know. I do know that I can't handle love or a relationship that I have to work at or for. I don't have the energy to coax an ego or to go the distance in a misunderstanding. I feel like relationships are beyond me, but are they?

What emotion is this?

Sometimes it’s hard to determine what the emotion tied to a relationship is. Do you honestly love or enjoy someone? Are you just lonely? Are you attracted to the drama or whatever outside "blah" the relationship brings with it? I’ve been trying to figure this out in a number of my relationships lately. Sometimes it’s an easy choice, but other times it’s as if they all blur together. It’s been said that relationships aren’t supposed to be hard, but I can’t seem to find an easy one.
This all started the other day when I analyzed the first of many relationships I’d be working on. I called a good friend of mine to discuss some man problems, and we discussed these questions. With the lack of quality men in the area, or the lack of quality men I’m finding, it’s valid. Do I really care for this man, outside of our friendship, or am I competing for his affection? What exactly am I doing in this "relationship?" My feelings are genuine, I’m certain, I think, but that’s sometimes irrelevant or just not enough.
The heart of this is because I no longer date for sport, is this a relationship that I can really see going the ultimate distance? I must figure it out soon, because I have exceeded the indecisive playing age!

What would you prefer more time or more money???

Of course everyone reading this said more time! Of course! I mean with more money can you buy more time, nope! With more time you can certainly make more money though!
Outside of the interesting way the two things play off each other more time is still the obvious choice. I think about the preciousness of life, and how quickly it can all be over. I think about how many things are left unsaid or undone when people pass away. I wish that on my final day it could work like a movie. I need to "Meet Joe Black," in a way. Hopefully everyone has seen that movie, otherwise that meant absolutely nothing! I want to be told this is your final year, month, week, day. I want to be able to purchase more time. I want to do everything I put off, and say everything I’ve needed to say. I want to live my will and hand deliver the right things to the right person. Ridiculous I know, but only in a way. Part of me feels silly saying all of that, but the other part of me is hoping the world is full of my Amen section, lol. It’s just that I realize this is not a dress rehearsal, and I want to keep my ducks in a row, my t’s crossed, and my i’s dotted. Is that even possible? Are my dreams exceeding my reality?