Emotional island, renters wanted

I am emotionally standing on an island all alone. I've been on this island my entire life. I don't even know any other way. I am emotionally dependent on myself. I came by this the hard way. I would lean on other people and they let me fall. So, I count on me. I depend on me. I rely on me. Emotionally, I stand on an island all alone. But, it's getting damn lonely and cold out here.

I think this self reliance dates back to my childhood. I think it has also set me up to fail. My parents are such individual people. We don't have a family. Actually it's more appropriate to say we are not a family unit. My mother is on her on island where she's an amazing career woman and pillar in the community. My father is on his own island where he's just doing him. He has a farm and friends and stuff. He has his own life. My brother is that in name. We have so little to do with each other that we probably wouldn't know each other from a description alone. My sister is a great woman who makes room for me in her life knowing I don't really belong. I can appreciate who my family is, but I don't have to like it...right?

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my independence. I am thankful for the strength these relationships have given me. But, it is beginning to suck. I had been dating this guy who was for the most part, self fish, insecure, immature, and ridiculously demanding. I didn't give in to his crap. I didn't entertain him at all. I was dating him for recreation more than anything else. Then a playful comment I made was taken the wrong way. We were texting, and I forgot my dark humor was often lost on him. He went left. He criticized me to death. I was every awful word known to man. I was reliving conversations with my son's father. I remained calm. I didn't bash him for being unemployed, broke, living with only a metal futon and hand me down bed, nothing about his lack of education or drive. I see all those things as obvious to him. Just like me being overweight and knocked around by life. No one wants to be reminded of life gone bad, not even in anger. Too bad he doesn't agree. I got my feelings hurt, again by another man not worth it. But, I never reduced myself to his shit...until I just typed it in this blog, lol. I stayed strong. Now the point is, I never mentioned this until now.

A big reason for this is that when I call a friend to discuss a hard time they tend to monopolize the conversation with bullshit. Or, I call and listen to them have a conversation with someone else in the background. Or, I call and they don't answer and by the time they call back I've worked it out on my own. Or, I call and they disregard my stuff. Or, I call and I am reminded that some people don't listen, they wait to talk. If you ever see this in yourself, STOP it will ruin your relationships. Not to stand here patting myself on the back, but I think I may have out matured a number of my friends...maybe.

I do not trust even my friends with major information in my life. Because what I have learned is you cannot rely on people. You just cannot. A secret is not a secret when you tell one person. And, undoubtedly people will use everything against you if they see the opportunity to hurt you or get ahead. I believe this. I believe that I spend my life on this island because although cold and lonely it's safe here.

So what happens to me? I have already decided that marriage is not an option. At least not in this life time. Maybe this will change, but as of now...NO WAY! I just can't keep giving me to be mistreated or misused. Because at the end of the day, I don't have anyone else worthy or trusted enough to help me out of that pinch.

I think that's why I blog. It's therapeutic. It's exactly what I need to manage this issue. Because although I appreciate the comments and the readers, you cannot judge me, use anything against me, or hurt me. And, I love you for that!!!

Weight Loss...again

I'm finally figuring this weight loss thing out. It's all about knowledge. It's about reading the nutritional information, the scale, and the clothing sizes. It's about being realistic about my expectations and the work required to meet those expectations. I have some long term goals that I'm not ready to commit to, so I need to keep my focus on my short term goals. As I tackle them one by one, I can see how they effect my long term goals.

I am really beginning to make this healthy living stuff work for me!

Mother's Day...yeah sure it is

Mother's Day is beautiful in theory. I spent the day threatening my child in church, helping my mother move furniture, and helping to make it the best day for other people. Is this the curse of the young mom? Are we more daughters and granddaughters than mothers? I did have the opportunity to sneak away for a quick Happy Mother's Day to me pedicure, that my son later stepped on. I just wonder when I get to see the shift. When does the single mother, daughter, and granddaughter get to be appreciated on Mother's Day too? Really, when???

I know this sounds really self fish, but I do wonder when my time comes. I don't mind being a happy appreciative daughter and granddaughter, but I want someone to giddy over me too. Maybe I need a boyfriend or husband, hmmm...

God wants me to know...the time is now

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

God wants me to know...my fears house my rewards

... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

God wants me to know...I need to find stories that move my heart

... that to find out who you are becoming find stories that move your heart.

Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming. Look for stories in movies and books that resonate in your heart, and you will find glimpses of your possible futures. What is your favorite story?

HATRED

I have someone in my life who hates me more than any other emotion he has. Hate is an amazing thing. It can have people so jaded. It has made him immune to many things. It has given him tunnel vision. It feeds him, total nourishment. It's a dangerous thing when someone hates you so much that they can survive off it.

God wants me to know...it's okay

it's okay...

Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

I needed this, because things are crazy. Sometimes I get so caught up in what's going on that I forget to breathe. I think this is easy for mothers, SAHM, WAHM, and mother's working outside the home. You get so involved in everyone else that you forget to take time out to just rest and relax. Sometimes you have to step outside of everything take a break and know that God is going to take care of any problems known or unknown.

My Body is AMAZING

Okay it may not curve exactly, just, where it should. It may not be beach ready or the summer's hottest new thing. It's normal, and it's flawed, and it's working it's ass off for me everyday.

Explained: I've been so stressed out lately. I've had so many changes in my life. There are relationships that have pulled me through so much turmoil I didn't think I would make it through. There are situations that I have beat myself up over, because I created something I didn't think I could handle. I have been in some hard, very difficult, places lately.

In those places I gave into every craving. I ate sugar like it was the only thing on Earth to eat and I washed down every bite with big cup of caffeine. I slept crazy hours, as usual, and killed myself at the gym. I punished myself over and over because of the crazy I'd allowed in my life.

My body never gave in. My body stepped up and made me get myself together. My body started insisting on changes I didn't want to make. It took back control. That's why overweight and out of shape aren't good enough for my body. I have to get it together, because my body is amazing. I have to make the outside fit the inside. I want the world to know.

I want everyone to take a break from complaining about what's not right and appreciate what is.

God wants me to know...that He has an important purpose for me, and made everything possible for me to succeed

That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.

This is so true! Everything in my life has happened with good reason. It's just been important for me to step back and see those reasons. So often life's changes or setbacks infuriate us. We don't look at the reasons and growth opportunities in those changes or setbacks. Everything happens for a planned reason. There are no coincidences with God.

Let go, and let God!

5 TOP 5's

LOVES

1. God

2. My beautiful son, Blaise

3. Creativity

4. All things GLAM

5. Fam & Friends


Waredrobe pieces I can't live without

1. trouser jeans

2. cotton knits

3. comfy sundresses

4. wedges

5. clutch bags


FRIGHTS

1. death

2. roaches and rodents

3. heights

4. uncertainity

5. failure

Current happiest moments

1. Blaise's smile

2. coffee

3. feeling leaving the gym after a great workout

4. my flower garden blooming

5. bubbles in the backyard with Blaise


Hopes and Dreams

1. Blaise never has a bad day. Bad things may happen, but I never want them to absorb to much of his time or him.

2. my jewelry company, blaisedENVY, takes off soon

3. money not be an issue

4. true, complete, self acceptance

5. stability


What are your 5 top 5's?

God wants me to know...that I'm magical!

Every little part of you is magical.Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It's alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that's exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: 'I love you.'

My son runs cons.

So tonight Blaise came running into the room after breaking one of the many things he broke today. He was whinning, why I often refer to him as Whinner. He came running to me saying he was a bad boy. My heart was broken. I repeatedly told him he wasn't a bad boy. He's a very good boy that sometimes does bad things. So while we hugged and I felt like the world's worst mother ever, he tricked me into a promise of a scooter and a mini bag of Skittles, a Tootsie Roll Pop, and three plastic filled eggs from a Easter bag owed to someone else. With his guaranteed scooter and goodie bag, he climbed out of my lap and damn near skipped to his room. He got me!

About my Garage Sales

I faithfully have two garage sales a year. I love having garage sales. I wish I could have one every other month. It's good for me. I'm the daughter of a pack rat, who is the daughter of a Great Depression survivor. I need this to stop the cycle.

I think they are very therapeutic. It's important to purge. I find that I accumulate far to much clutter, especially with a young child. We are changing wardrobes often, whether he's growing out of it, the season changes, or I simply change my mind. Plus clothes don't hold up well. They fade. They shrink. They stretch. They stop fitting the perfect way they did when I purchased them. Or, I bought this, that, or the other with great intention just to later decide, after the receipt is long gone, I don't want it anymore. My son changes favorites every week. So, we end up with this abundance of "last week's" favorite toy, book, action figure, or whatever. We could quickly grow out of space if this stuff stayed around. I also feel you don't bring anything in without taking something out. This is a hard belief to live, but I'm trying! Plus, it's money in my hand.

I recommend a yearly garage sale to every family. It wards off the possibility of becoming a pack rat.

What put this whole garage sale thing on my mind is the loss of an old friend. I looked around my area and was sad. If I died today, my family and friends would deal with my death and the work to go through and clean up my things. If family came in for my service my grief stricken family would be forced to break out the trash bags and bins before they could entertain guest. Now honestly, I'm hoping they, and everyone I know(knew), are grief stricken! So although my place isn't a natural disaster it's purge, organize, and clean time! Now it's really, honestly, I promise, not that bad, but it's not the best it can be either.

God wants me to know...that love is effortless

True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force yourself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you've missed the first step of filling in your own Self with these emotions.

This is so true! When I have to force myself to give of myself, it's time to take out the mirror and do some analyzing.

God wants me to know...the time is now

I am really enjoying this Facebook application. If you are a Facebook member add this app to your profile too.

On this day in your life, it's time to STOP going through the motions of living, and START living. Are you willing to do that now? Or are you going to wait until all life energy drains out of you and your loved ones who are trying to support you at this very moment? You were not born to follow rules and regulations. Living starts with dreaming. So dream, dream friend, and let dreams show you the path to your bliss.

WOW

Reminising on young love

For whatever reason my mind travelled back to my 1st major relationship. His name was Steven. I would change the name to protect the innocent, but I'll just slip up and use his real name later. So what's the point? Steven was two years older than I was. When we met he'd just graduated high school and I was going into my Junior year. He was so handsome. He'd come by my job with a friend of his. I worked as a sales associate at the Buckle. We ended up exchanging numbers and were in a relationship quickly. It's funny but most of my romances are because a guy tells me I'm his girlfriend, lol.

So we had this 1st and 2nd base relationship. There was a lot of kissing, fondling, and hand holding. I was a virgin, and he hadn't earned my treats. So for a few months we had a great summer "thing," then he left for school in Florida. I was so upset. Then, he stopped returning my calls, cheated on me, and dumped me. I slipped into a deep depression and thought life was over. Well, that's extreme, but I was sad.

Then he'd return, I'd be on cloud nine, and he would let me down. He was running a game on a number of us silly girls trapped by his killer smile. Then the fall of my senior year I accidentally ran into his ex-girlfriend who wanted to beat my ass when she found out who I was. Turns out that the sweet Steven who loved me so much still loved her at the same time. Thank God for friends who realize there's only 6 degrees of separation, but don't tell you until you are separated. Eventually, I was done with the "love." I wanted to be his friend. Of course that didn't work out, and now I don't know if he's dead or alive. Funny, not whether he's dead or alive, but how things change...for the better, best!

Young love now makes me laugh. I say to young devastated girls all the time, within a year he won't even rank in your life. It took me a couple years with Steven, but still the same.

Sugar is evil and I have the face to prove it!

So I've been obsessing about my skin. I mean in the mirror fifty times a day staring at every little blemish. They are so small they aren't even worthy of makeup. They are just there to bother me. Each and every blemish is there to harass me. Yep, they are. So I started trying to trace back the culprit. Well it's almost always sugar, liquid sugar in fact. What have I been drinking? Well I down about 6 cups of coffee a day and water. I don't drink much outside of those two things. Days can even pass without me venturing past my coffee and water. So what is it? So I searched the Folgers canister for nutritional information as I pulled the creamer out of the 'frig. The creamer! My French Vanilla International Delight creamer is killing my almost 30 year old excellent complexion. There's about 12 gazillion grams of sugar in this creamer, per serving. I use 2 tablespoons a serving, two servings a day. On top of that I'm out of my treasured Equal. So, I've been using a pack of Sweet and Low and a pack of sugar, because I need the sugar to cut the bitterness of the Sweet and Low. Wow, I am so hyped up on sugar it amazes me my face hasn't just turned into an oozing crater of never to date again hideousness! Why didn't I realize this before? The beginning of the break out I just blamed on the almost dozen Sprinkles cupcakes I'd been helping myself to. Wait, so last week I downed cupcakes and a cup of sugar a day. What the hell is wrong with me? That's why I've also been moody, over my guy, letting my kid get away with murder, and seeing double. I mean literally, my eyes have been nuts. My treasured coffee is taking me back in time. No, not to my tight waist and virginity, but to puberty's cursed pizza face. What's worse, I bypassed acne then just to get hit with it now.

"If you have a tough time slowing your pace at the dinner, try stopping before you feel full… I can't guarantee the practice will work; however, you have nothing to lose but weight." - Dr. David L. Katz, MD

Sleepy???

When I get tired I look forward to rest, relaxation, and just plain ordinary sleep. I love my sleep. I don't get near enough of it! I just think there's something euphoric about climbing in my nice warm bed, snuggling up to all the pillows, pulling the cover up to my neck, and closing my eyes. I stretch and wiggle until I'm in the perfect place. Then I talk to God, think over my day, preplan tomorrow, and drift off to beautiful sleep. I love that process!

Now my son on the other hand, doesn't go down without a fight. He hates bedtime. He refuses a nap. He doesn't believe in sleep. Rather than go to sleep he prefers a few tantrums, screaming at the top of his lungs, trying me to no end, and begging for food or drink. He doesn't really like sleep, to say the least. What?! Then to top this off, he can wake up like the sun shines through his eyes. He pops up with the most adorable "G'morning mama!" How does this work?


Back to me, I either jump out of bed like a crazy person because I heard a bump, or think I slept through the alarm, or I curse whoever interrupted my euphoria.


I have to get it together. I have to get him together. We need to get it together!!!

God wants me to know...that I cannot wait anymore

Facebook has this application called God wants you to know. So of course I took the bait, because I felt if there was anything God wanted me to know I wanted to hear it! Without any questions it randomly gives you a motivational word. I love a motivational word. So as only God can do, I got the right 'random' motivational word for me. It is this, the moment has finally come. You have no choice. You have to take that step now. Now. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, - Now! If anyone else is reading this, they would be confused. But not you. You know exactly what we mean. Do it. Now. The down side is I don't know what that one step is. I think it's a number of little steps that equate into some big movement. Movement that I need now!

Whoever happens to read this I hope can see their own steps in it. It's true that you maybe confused by the step(s) I need to take, but there's something in this message for you too.

Okay it's happened, I'm over the single life

Well being over the single life is only half true. I want an option to the single life. I want half a boyfriend. I need a guaranteed date, someone to take out the trash, kill the bugs, and hold me at night. I don't want anyone who will infringe upon my freedom. I don't want to have to answer to anyone about anything either. I just want half a boyfriend. Do they sell them like that?

I figured this out the last time I laid in some one's arms. I was like, WOW I like this. Then shortly after he questioned where I was going and why. I was like, WOW I'm over this. How do I find the right blend?

I say all of this right after being happy that my last 50% of a relationship ended. It just wasn't the right 50% of a relationship. It was two people too satisfied to give just a little bit of ourselves. I don't think either of us were in it. It comes back to the fight we put in for our relationship. We were both finally single and emotionally available at the same time. We see it crashing and burning, but refuse to give up after the work to get there in the first place. It's punishment.

I think I want what I know I shouldn't aspire to have. Outside of the obvious ridiculousness of half a boyfriend, I am stuck in rose colored glasses. I want someone to give me 100% and be okay with me just offering up a wavering 50%. The man who would be okay with this isn't really the man I want in the first place.

Also, I have a crush. I have a crush on a man who has no idea I have a crush on him. He knows I exist and we have convo, but he doesn't know about my crush. I'm obsessed with how creative he is, how handsome he is, and how cool he is. I'm turned off that he's physically my destructive type. I am doing this unconsciously, lol.

So the real question is do I really want a relationship, a half boyfriend, or do I just want my crush? Hmmm...

The mirrors in my life

I know who I am. I live with this body, this face, and this personality. I cannot escape me. I am stalking myself, lol. I make it a point to keep mirrors in my life. I think it's important. I am, by far, my worst critic. I am a realist. I know what my hang ups are. I don't sugar coat anything from myself. I think it's important to really look in the mirror everyday of your life and face yourself head on. I believe all these things.

I also think that if you can totally accept yourself as you are today no one can tear you down. If you know that you are pleasantly plump, with beautiful curves, and toning more and more everyday, no one can call you fat and it stick to your feelings. Knowing that your big ass, big nose, big teeth, or big feet belong to you, make you who you are, and add to your beauty defeat the insensitive ass that would try to use these things against you the first time they feel inferior.

I am not a slim girl. I have not been a slim girl in a long time. I workout to become a healthy girl though. That's important to me. I have this crazy neck too. It's a family neck, no turkey similarities, but it is a little rollie pollie. I get annoyed by it, but no one's perfect. I have big feet for my short stature, but I love my tall fabulous friends who I can share shoes with. I don't have the most shapely legs, but I'm really strong and my legs are there, healthy, and can workout on the eliptical for at least an hour and fifteen minutes at a time. I am full of flaws. BUT, I am also overflowing with character and personality. I am who I am, and because I have accepted it whole heartedly no one can steal it away from me or make me feel bad about it!

A little sprinkle of appreciation

I had a friend from high school do me an amazing favor this Easter weekend. I desperately wanted Sprinkles cupcakes. I have moved from a Sprinkles headquarters to an area Sprinkles won't even deliver to. Devastated! So a girl from high school promised to being me some when she visited her brother here in town. I gave her my little half dozen order, and sang and danced my excitement. Like she promised, that weekend she arrived with my Sprinkles. I asked her how much I owed her, she said don't worry about it. It was my Easter gift. WOW! I was touched, but I wanted to gift back to her. She refused. I begged until she accepted a few pieces of my jewelry. We chatted. We hugged. We departed. I rushed home, pulled out an air proof Tupperware container, because Sprinkles says so, and snatched the box out of the bag. It was a dozen cupcakes! It was a dozen cupcakes! I was floored. How sweet of her! I shared, but we plan to eat more than we give.

My heart was so full from cupcakes. What she didn't realize was I'd had one of the worst weeks of my life. It's been so hard. I've been attacked so strongly by someone who certainly has no right. I've been in tears more than not, in the last seven days. It's been so hard. I wanted those cupcakes. Those cupcakes meant more to me than she realized. I was looking for peace in those cupcakes. How silly! The even funnier part is I am a single mother. I own a struggling business. I am a full-time student. I have very little unclaimed income, lol. I was in no position to purchase $20-$40 cupcakes. I'm robbing Peter to pay the attorney now. My friend gifted me an amazing gift without even realizing it. I thank God for Easter, and great friends who gift cupcakes at the right time in the right place!

JEWELS

My Ideal Man must...

Right before going to class my on again, off again, relationship crashed and burned again! So while giving 50% of my attention to my professor I devised a list of the top qualities of my ideal man. Of course I have a long list of the physical attributes I'd love to look at and hug up to every day, but this is more about the personality qualities I need the man in my life to have.

1. CHARISMATIC - I love how appealing a charming man is.
2. DEPENDABLE- I need someone that I can count on.
3. LOYAL - A loyal man will not cheat, will remain trustworthy, and always be true
4. SPIRITUAL AND RELIGIOUS- To love me you must love God.
5. STRONG - I want a man physically, emotionally, and mentally strong.
6. STABLE - He must be mentally and emotionally stable.
7. FOCUSED - He must have an agenda that he is committed to.
8. INTELLIGENT - I need to be able to have a thought provoking conversation.
9. ROMANTIC - I'm a girly girl. I want to be wined and dined.
10. GOAL-ORIENTED - I need a man who can see past today and plan for tomorrow too.