Man bashing!

I was sitting at a dinner table tonight wondering how in the world I have ended up in so much drama. I mean, I mind mine. I don't mingle in the world much. I keep my focus on my own business. Yet, I continue to find myself in these drama filled situations. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I'm picking the idiot man that needs drama and bullshit to feel cared for. Then when I don't dish it out he creates it. Why can't I just be your quiet no drama filled friend, with the possibility of benefits? Why must we have to break up daily, compete for each others attention, and argue through text messaging? Why when I'm trying to be the bigger person and avoid the shit, you say what's guaranteed to pull me back in? Why? Why do adult relationships have to be so fucking hard? I mean I'm not husband shopping, boyfriend shopping, and love is a dirty word. How do I have drama?
Also, while I'm man bashing, let me tell all the boys out there if a woman doesn't say you are amazing in any regard it's not to be assumed. Quietly, I have laughed at you, while you built yourself higher than your worth on a variety of topics.

I hate boys, today at least.

Okay, I am frustrated. I am wondering why it is some people can grow down. It's the mysterious case of all the men in my life, play on that B.Pitt movie. Why is it that men think I am waiting for them to sweep in and save me? Seriously, if I needed to be saved I would not be counting on your irrational, unpredictable, asses! Believe that.

Now it's time for the what had happened was. I was dating this guy for a few months or so. We were dating without titles, both realizing we weren't ready for a relationship. He was pretty fresh out of a relationship, and I'm just not ready for the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet. Early on I realized we weren't compatible. He was dating me for kindness and sex, and I was dating him for recreation. We didn't have thought provoking conversations, mind blowing intercourse, or a general great time. It was what it was, two people who enjoyed each other just enough to not walk away from each other. Then he went crazy. It was very unfortunate. He started showing most of his ass, and I got over it! We had a quiet, adult, discussion. He had grown on me enough that I didn't want to lose him. Then he showed his ass again. I was done, not really. We took a break, and when I was over my part of the break I tried to call him. No answer. I thought he was probably still upset. In our disagreements I told him I was no longer interested in sleeping with him. I just wanted to focus on redefining our friendship and nothing more. He didn't like it, but seriously, what could he do? Absolutely nothing. So anyway days, a week, whatever after I wrote his ass off as a mistake never to be mentioned again, he calls. He leaves me a message about how he's met someone, and I just don't fit in his life anymore. Huh? I was irrate. I'm not trying to date you. I don't want your sex. I don't need you in my life, BUT that's my decision to make. I'd already written your tired ass off, why are your coming around now? Anyway though screw you! I was there when you were shit out of luck, feeling down in the dumps, and wondering what life would be like without you. I fed you when you were hungry, once, but still I did. I was your friend. You shit on me, you ridiculous moron. I break this, you don't. So I called, showed my whole ass, adultlike using big words. Then I was done. I can't believe this type of behavior comes from adults!? It's like going into a women's bathroom and it looks as if it's been used by potty training little boys. That kind of stuff confuses me terribly!

Then boy 2. Yes, I had double drama today. I text a boy I'd been crushing on. He immediately though crush meant date you. NO! I don't date my crushes because I build you up higher than you can reach. So he listed the many reasons why I want him, but shouldn't have him. I'll be taken advantage of, hurt, devestated. Huh? You don't have any great possessions I should be chasing after. Cute, you are. Soul stirring, you are not. Listen fella, you just killed my crush.

If it wasn't for my serious attraction to them, I would be done with boys. They really are icky, mentally at least.

Resolution...I hate that word

Okay, I've been thinking over my new year, new ideas, new motivations, new, new, and new. I have come to the conclusion that, in 2009, I will be happy! That's it. Whatever it takes. I'm not allowing anymore drama in my life. I am committing to accomplishing my goals or putting myself on the fast track to doing so. I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm not pausing or putting anything on hold. It's past time for me to get my shit together. And, because life is not a dress rehearsal, I'm ready to perform. Watch me, it's bound to be life changing!!!

Is everyone else in love?

I've been having these long talks with a few girlfriends about love. Is love even worth it? The commitment it takes to allow someone to have that much of you is more than most of us can handle. You are allowing them and their drama, troubles, and skeletons into your life. You are opening yourself up to all they have to offer and need to terminate. Is that worth it? I agree it's nice to have another body in bed, constant movie and dinner companion, and someone to kill the bugs and take out the trash. BUT, I look at the drama I've been in since returning to this area. The man pool is shallow and they know it. I have been bored, lied to, cheated on, harassed, and annoyed. They don't have to be handsome, entertaining, gentleman, because the pool is shallow and they know it!!! So I think I'm gonna be off men. I think I'm going to give up on making something work in hopes that eventually something will just work. Ignoring sex, because lets be honest, there's no sex out there good enough to excuse bullshit! I'm just gonna clock out for a while. In this time I'll rework my list of requirements, or hopes and dreams, and make sure that I'm not asking for anything I cannot supply. So to everyone out there living hopelessly in love, congrats and I hope it doesn't bite you square in the ass!

LOVE?

You know what's funny, I watch these dramatic shows during primetime and I focus on the love part not the drama part? What does that mean? I know that love is a HUGE part of my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my God, and I love my kiddo. That's in no particular order. I don't know if the partnership love is missing in my life right now or not. Am I just over analyzing the lovey dovey part of my personality? Of course everyone is looking for everlasting unconditional love, but I haven't had a place for it in my life in years. Is my life craving it? Or am I just tired as all hell and stressed? Don't know. I do know that I can't handle love or a relationship that I have to work at or for. I don't have the energy to coax an ego or to go the distance in a misunderstanding. I feel like relationships are beyond me, but are they?

What emotion is this?

Sometimes it’s hard to determine what the emotion tied to a relationship is. Do you honestly love or enjoy someone? Are you just lonely? Are you attracted to the drama or whatever outside "blah" the relationship brings with it? I’ve been trying to figure this out in a number of my relationships lately. Sometimes it’s an easy choice, but other times it’s as if they all blur together. It’s been said that relationships aren’t supposed to be hard, but I can’t seem to find an easy one.
This all started the other day when I analyzed the first of many relationships I’d be working on. I called a good friend of mine to discuss some man problems, and we discussed these questions. With the lack of quality men in the area, or the lack of quality men I’m finding, it’s valid. Do I really care for this man, outside of our friendship, or am I competing for his affection? What exactly am I doing in this "relationship?" My feelings are genuine, I’m certain, I think, but that’s sometimes irrelevant or just not enough.
The heart of this is because I no longer date for sport, is this a relationship that I can really see going the ultimate distance? I must figure it out soon, because I have exceeded the indecisive playing age!

What would you prefer more time or more money???

Of course everyone reading this said more time! Of course! I mean with more money can you buy more time, nope! With more time you can certainly make more money though!
Outside of the interesting way the two things play off each other more time is still the obvious choice. I think about the preciousness of life, and how quickly it can all be over. I think about how many things are left unsaid or undone when people pass away. I wish that on my final day it could work like a movie. I need to "Meet Joe Black," in a way. Hopefully everyone has seen that movie, otherwise that meant absolutely nothing! I want to be told this is your final year, month, week, day. I want to be able to purchase more time. I want to do everything I put off, and say everything I’ve needed to say. I want to live my will and hand deliver the right things to the right person. Ridiculous I know, but only in a way. Part of me feels silly saying all of that, but the other part of me is hoping the world is full of my Amen section, lol. It’s just that I realize this is not a dress rehearsal, and I want to keep my ducks in a row, my t’s crossed, and my i’s dotted. Is that even possible? Are my dreams exceeding my reality?