Sunday, May 24, 2009

Holier than thou

So the other day Jackie Burkhart confessed to pushing men towards her own goals just to be disappointed later. I was watching reruns of That 70's Show. So, I thought about this. I stepped outside of myself and just focused on how women screw up relationships by demanding too little or too much.

Then today I was sitting with the neighbor girl talking about her love life. I was so holier than thou. I was giving her all my 28 year old wisdom, probably overwhelming her 19 year old brain. It was the standard. I'm sure someone had told me these things when I was young, dumb, and in love. Don't lose yourself in your boyfriend. In 6 months to a year this relationship will seem so trivial to you. Trust your instincts. If something seems wrong investigate, but only if it's worth it. Do not investigate like CSI just pay attention. Typically men aren't that interested in hiding anything well. Don't date anyone that's not at least your equal in terms of drive, dedication, and motivation. Do not settle for less than what you know you are worth having. If you don't know what you are worth having, ask a true friend. A true friend will tell you 100 times more than you initially thought. Don't take his crap! If he cannot respect you at all times, in all situations, let him go. Never fight for a man not worth fight for, it's tacky. Never, under any circumstances, have a physical altercation, it's low class.

So I'm sitting across from her, both of us sitting with our legs crossed. She's hanging on my every word, and I'm hanging on Jackie Burkhart's every word. Because, I need to hear myself better. I have been sacrificing, settling, and making excuses. I have only had half a man when I've had something to call a man. No more! I'm going to take my own advice. Because I give the best advice, ask anyone. But, my life has been topsy turvy because I've been sitting with my legs crossed acting holier than thou.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Am I giving my son my cravings?

I just noticed that I am pushing all my cravings off on my son. It's funny and ridiculous. It's like breaking a vase and blaming it on a child.

Case in point: I am calorie counting right now. Well this is a lifestyle change, so I'll be calorie counting for life. This is devastating! The craziest part about calories are you could never guess how many you are eating if you tried. It would always be wrong. If you measure your food you would see you eat too much. This is a terrible revelation. It proved the point that if you eat yourself 3/4's full you will be totally satisfied. Your food does expand or your belly realizes how much you ate. I don't know, but it happens. I am having epiphany's daily, and I'm being struck with sadness. This is why. There are always sweets here, always. We seldom eat them. We still have candy purchased at Easter and Christmas here. There are cookies baked, and brownies came into the house yesterday. I am being harassed by chocolaty evil. All of a sudden I am desperate for these things, because I won't allow myself to have them. (I'm good at willpower as long as there's consequence and clear cut goals.) There are far too many calories in these things for me to indulge, at least this early in the game. I'm scared just one will send me back to the land of the forever fat. So, I go to the kitchen, open the Tupperware, salivate over cookies and brownies, then pick one up with stars in my eyes. I get so excited. Then I snap back into reality and call my son. I give it to him, disguised as a treat for a behavior he only half way did, and then watch him with longing. I've done this twice now. I am so ashamed, but in my defense he burns more calories than I do anyway. Later, I feel so awful I double up on his veggies. So we sit across from one another eating something raw and healthy with fake smiles on our faces. Actually judging from the little bit of chocolate in the corner of his mouth, he's smiling for real.

Why is it so hard?

I love my son. I love how cute and intelligent he is. I even love how manipulative he is. I love everything about him. BUT, there's always a but even with mother child/relationships, I get incredibly frustrated with the potty training regression!

Blaise can read as well as any kid entering first grade, hell probably better. He amazes me with words on a daily basis. He knows his numbers and can operate any electronic item known to man. He's a brain!

Blaise hates to potty. He has had a few pee-pee accidents, but nothing extreme. Now pooping is the devil though. I don't understand. For many months he pooped fine then decided it was too much work. He rather poop on himself than to poop in the potty. I have to watch for cues, make him get on the potty, threaten his life, and wait. It's nothing for him to go through 6 pair of undies in an evening with poop stains. It's nothing for me to take him off the potty, stress out that he did nothing, to have him poop on himself moments after we wash our hands. I'm fed up! I've done everything people say do. I've stood in the room. I've coached. I've encouraged. I've spanked. I've lost my mind. I've done everything and nothing works. Absolutely nothing has worked.

I am at the end of my rope! Will he just get it one day? We've been going though this for 6 months now. Why did he regress? Nothing tragic has ever happened in his life, and he lives a pretty great life. Why is it so hard?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I can't die, because I have far too much to live for

I have made major changes in my life lately. I quit smoking. I'm working diligently to loss weight, tone up, exercise, and get healthy. I have committed myself to this business, blaisedENVY. I'm putting more into my relationship with God. I have made major changes and adjustments in my life.


I have this amazing son I want to watch grow into an amazing man. I have dreams unfulfilled. I have plans. I have too much to live for to worry about dying. That's it. I can't die, because I have far too much to live for.

Be blessed because God is real! Even though I am an emotional wreck, I know that. This is why I am so confident I can beat my issues and keep growing to be an amazing woman.


Dining with friends

There's this woman, a soldier, who tithes at my church. She has done so sight unseen. She had never visited my church, to my knowledge. Her tithes followed a man, well two men. She moved her money when we got a new pastor. He was a member of her church before he became leader of ours. He is an amazing man with an amazing wife and family. I can understand why she would support this church. It's the reason why I support this church, I believe in the vision. So amazed with her faith and humbled by her military sacrifice, a number of the women of St. John Missionary Baptist Church went out for dinner this evening. We just met up in the food court of the mall. We socialized, then we went separate ways and got dinner, then we ate, and again we socialized. We walked the mall. We shopped. We laughed. We just enjoyed each others company.

Wow, this is what happens when you are motivated by good. I dined with eight women from varying backgrounds. There was little gossip, lol, but general enjoyment. I feel blessed to be in the company of this positivity. Too often I find that all my girl to girl conversations are about men, gossip, or something else negative. It was so fun to just interact. I think these are my friends. I know I have to manage these relationships just as I have to manage others, but these are women who are going to teach me things I need to know. In that way, they are my friends and I am blessed.

Eat, drink, and be merry!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

God wants me to know...that it only takes faith

... that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty.

Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!
I live so much of my life on faith. I realize that believing is essential. I heard a song this evening that basically said if God never does anything else for me He's already done enough. Wow! My faith has insured so much. He has done enough for me, but I have faith that he has made a lot of decisions for my future!

Emotional island, renters wanted

I am emotionally standing on an island all alone. I've been on this island my entire life. I don't even know any other way. I am emotionally dependent on myself. I came by this the hard way. I would lean on other people and they let me fall. So, I count on me. I depend on me. I rely on me. Emotionally, I stand on an island all alone. But, it's getting damn lonely and cold out here.

I think this self reliance dates back to my childhood. I think it has also set me up to fail. My parents are such individual people. We don't have a family. Actually it's more appropriate to say we are not a family unit. My mother is on her on island where she's an amazing career woman and pillar in the community. My father is on his own island where he's just doing him. He has a farm and friends and stuff. He has his own life. My brother is that in name. We have so little to do with each other that we probably wouldn't know each other from a description alone. My sister is a great woman who makes room for me in her life knowing I don't really belong. I can appreciate who my family is, but I don't have to like it...right?

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my independence. I am thankful for the strength these relationships have given me. But, it is beginning to suck. I had been dating this guy who was for the most part, self fish, insecure, immature, and ridiculously demanding. I didn't give in to his crap. I didn't entertain him at all. I was dating him for recreation more than anything else. Then a playful comment I made was taken the wrong way. We were texting, and I forgot my dark humor was often lost on him. He went left. He criticized me to death. I was every awful word known to man. I was reliving conversations with my son's father. I remained calm. I didn't bash him for being unemployed, broke, living with only a metal futon and hand me down bed, nothing about his lack of education or drive. I see all those things as obvious to him. Just like me being overweight and knocked around by life. No one wants to be reminded of life gone bad, not even in anger. Too bad he doesn't agree. I got my feelings hurt, again by another man not worth it. But, I never reduced myself to his shit...until I just typed it in this blog, lol. I stayed strong. Now the point is, I never mentioned this until now.

A big reason for this is that when I call a friend to discuss a hard time they tend to monopolize the conversation with bullshit. Or, I call and listen to them have a conversation with someone else in the background. Or, I call and they don't answer and by the time they call back I've worked it out on my own. Or, I call and they disregard my stuff. Or, I call and I am reminded that some people don't listen, they wait to talk. If you ever see this in yourself, STOP it will ruin your relationships. Not to stand here patting myself on the back, but I think I may have out matured a number of my friends...maybe.

I do not trust even my friends with major information in my life. Because what I have learned is you cannot rely on people. You just cannot. A secret is not a secret when you tell one person. And, undoubtedly people will use everything against you if they see the opportunity to hurt you or get ahead. I believe this. I believe that I spend my life on this island because although cold and lonely it's safe here.

So what happens to me? I have already decided that marriage is not an option. At least not in this life time. Maybe this will change, but as of now...NO WAY! I just can't keep giving me to be mistreated or misused. Because at the end of the day, I don't have anyone else worthy or trusted enough to help me out of that pinch.

I think that's why I blog. It's therapeutic. It's exactly what I need to manage this issue. Because although I appreciate the comments and the readers, you cannot judge me, use anything against me, or hurt me. And, I love you for that!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Weight Loss...again

I'm finally figuring this weight loss thing out. It's all about knowledge. It's about reading the nutritional information, the scale, and the clothing sizes. It's about being realistic about my expectations and the work required to meet those expectations. I have some long term goals that I'm not ready to commit to, so I need to keep my focus on my short term goals. As I tackle them one by one, I can see how they effect my long term goals.

I am really beginning to make this healthy living stuff work for me!

Mother's Day...yeah sure it is

Mother's Day is beautiful in theory. I spent the day threatening my child in church, helping my mother move furniture, and helping to make it the best day for other people. Is this the curse of the young mom? Are we more daughters and granddaughters than mothers? I did have the opportunity to sneak away for a quick Happy Mother's Day to me pedicure, that my son later stepped on. I just wonder when I get to see the shift. When does the single mother, daughter, and granddaughter get to be appreciated on Mother's Day too? Really, when???

I know this sounds really self fish, but I do wonder when my time comes. I don't mind being a happy appreciative daughter and granddaughter, but I want someone to giddy over me too. Maybe I need a boyfriend or husband, hmmm...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

God wants me to know...the time is now

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

God wants me to fears house my rewards

... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

God wants me to know...I need to find stories that move my heart

... that to find out who you are becoming find stories that move your heart.

Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming. Look for stories in movies and books that resonate in your heart, and you will find glimpses of your possible futures. What is your favorite story?

Monday, May 4, 2009


I have someone in my life who hates me more than any other emotion he has. Hate is an amazing thing. It can have people so jaded. It has made him immune to many things. It has given him tunnel vision. It feeds him, total nourishment. It's a dangerous thing when someone hates you so much that they can survive off it.

God wants me to's okay

it's okay...
Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

I needed this, because things are crazy. Sometimes I get so caught up in what's going on that I forget to breathe. I think this is easy for mothers, SAHM, WAHM, and mother's working outside the home. You get so involved in everyone else that you forget to take time out to just rest and relax. Sometimes you have to step outside of everything take a break and know that God is going to take care of any problems known or unknown.

My Body is AMAZING

Okay it may not curve exactly, just, where it should. It may not be beach ready or the summer's hottest new thing. It's normal, and it's flawed, and it's working it's ass off for me everyday.

Explained: I've been so stressed out lately. I've had so many changes in my life. There are relationships that have pulled me through so much turmoil I didn't think I would make it through. There are situations that I have beat myself up over, because I created something I didn't think I could handle. I have been in some hard, very difficult, places lately.

In those places I gave into every craving. I ate sugar like it was the only thing on Earth to eat and I washed down every bite with big cup of caffeine. I slept crazy hours, as usual, and killed myself at the gym. I punished myself over and over because of the crazy I'd allowed in my life.

My body never gave in. My body stepped up and made me get myself together. My body started insisting on changes I didn't want to make. It took back control. That's why overweight and out of shape aren't good enough for my body. I have to get it together, because my body is amazing. I have to make the outside fit the inside. I want the world to know.

I want everyone to take a break from complaining about what's not right and appreciate what is.