Saturday, June 6, 2009

I know the secret to business success

Okay knowing the secret to business success and being able to use it are two totally different things. They are completely, drastically, different things. So the secret is that first you need to be able to make or do something no one else has the desire to make or do or something no one else is able to make or do to guarantee business success. That's my problem. If you build it, they may or may not come. This is the truth. I make a quality product. I don't even care about the nay sayers because I pour a lot of me into my jewelry designs and I know they are well made and BEAUTIFUL. But, it's important for me to realize there are a lot of great jewelry designers out there that make fantastic products too. I'm not doing something no one else can do or lacks desire to do. I have to revamp my business. I have to add something new and amazing. This is important to guarantee the success of blaisedENVY, and me and my child and his children and his children's children.

I know that what I know, I know, I know. I don't know everything, but I pride myself on being a master of a FEW things.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Very often I read a comment that I wish I could respond to personally. You all are such motivating and beautiful people. I feel very blessed to have people follow me who send me such warm thoughts. I get great comments that help lift me out of bad moods, give me a new perspective on things, or just offer a laugh. For all of this, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you! Please know that your words are very much appreciated!

From my heart to you, with lots of love

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Holier than thou

So the other day Jackie Burkhart confessed to pushing men towards her own goals just to be disappointed later. I was watching reruns of That 70's Show. So, I thought about this. I stepped outside of myself and just focused on how women screw up relationships by demanding too little or too much.

Then today I was sitting with the neighbor girl talking about her love life. I was so holier than thou. I was giving her all my 28 year old wisdom, probably overwhelming her 19 year old brain. It was the standard. I'm sure someone had told me these things when I was young, dumb, and in love. Don't lose yourself in your boyfriend. In 6 months to a year this relationship will seem so trivial to you. Trust your instincts. If something seems wrong investigate, but only if it's worth it. Do not investigate like CSI just pay attention. Typically men aren't that interested in hiding anything well. Don't date anyone that's not at least your equal in terms of drive, dedication, and motivation. Do not settle for less than what you know you are worth having. If you don't know what you are worth having, ask a true friend. A true friend will tell you 100 times more than you initially thought. Don't take his crap! If he cannot respect you at all times, in all situations, let him go. Never fight for a man not worth fight for, it's tacky. Never, under any circumstances, have a physical altercation, it's low class.

So I'm sitting across from her, both of us sitting with our legs crossed. She's hanging on my every word, and I'm hanging on Jackie Burkhart's every word. Because, I need to hear myself better. I have been sacrificing, settling, and making excuses. I have only had half a man when I've had something to call a man. No more! I'm going to take my own advice. Because I give the best advice, ask anyone. But, my life has been topsy turvy because I've been sitting with my legs crossed acting holier than thou.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Am I giving my son my cravings?

I just noticed that I am pushing all my cravings off on my son. It's funny and ridiculous. It's like breaking a vase and blaming it on a child.

Case in point: I am calorie counting right now. Well this is a lifestyle change, so I'll be calorie counting for life. This is devastating! The craziest part about calories are you could never guess how many you are eating if you tried. It would always be wrong. If you measure your food you would see you eat too much. This is a terrible revelation. It proved the point that if you eat yourself 3/4's full you will be totally satisfied. Your food does expand or your belly realizes how much you ate. I don't know, but it happens. I am having epiphany's daily, and I'm being struck with sadness. This is why. There are always sweets here, always. We seldom eat them. We still have candy purchased at Easter and Christmas here. There are cookies baked, and brownies came into the house yesterday. I am being harassed by chocolaty evil. All of a sudden I am desperate for these things, because I won't allow myself to have them. (I'm good at willpower as long as there's consequence and clear cut goals.) There are far too many calories in these things for me to indulge, at least this early in the game. I'm scared just one will send me back to the land of the forever fat. So, I go to the kitchen, open the Tupperware, salivate over cookies and brownies, then pick one up with stars in my eyes. I get so excited. Then I snap back into reality and call my son. I give it to him, disguised as a treat for a behavior he only half way did, and then watch him with longing. I've done this twice now. I am so ashamed, but in my defense he burns more calories than I do anyway. Later, I feel so awful I double up on his veggies. So we sit across from one another eating something raw and healthy with fake smiles on our faces. Actually judging from the little bit of chocolate in the corner of his mouth, he's smiling for real.

Why is it so hard?

I love my son. I love how cute and intelligent he is. I even love how manipulative he is. I love everything about him. BUT, there's always a but even with mother child/relationships, I get incredibly frustrated with the potty training regression!

Blaise can read as well as any kid entering first grade, hell probably better. He amazes me with words on a daily basis. He knows his numbers and can operate any electronic item known to man. He's a brain!

Blaise hates to potty. He has had a few pee-pee accidents, but nothing extreme. Now pooping is the devil though. I don't understand. For many months he pooped fine then decided it was too much work. He rather poop on himself than to poop in the potty. I have to watch for cues, make him get on the potty, threaten his life, and wait. It's nothing for him to go through 6 pair of undies in an evening with poop stains. It's nothing for me to take him off the potty, stress out that he did nothing, to have him poop on himself moments after we wash our hands. I'm fed up! I've done everything people say do. I've stood in the room. I've coached. I've encouraged. I've spanked. I've lost my mind. I've done everything and nothing works. Absolutely nothing has worked.

I am at the end of my rope! Will he just get it one day? We've been going though this for 6 months now. Why did he regress? Nothing tragic has ever happened in his life, and he lives a pretty great life. Why is it so hard?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I can't die, because I have far too much to live for

I have made major changes in my life lately. I quit smoking. I'm working diligently to loss weight, tone up, exercise, and get healthy. I have committed myself to this business, blaisedENVY. I'm putting more into my relationship with God. I have made major changes and adjustments in my life.


I have this amazing son I want to watch grow into an amazing man. I have dreams unfulfilled. I have plans. I have too much to live for to worry about dying. That's it. I can't die, because I have far too much to live for.

Be blessed because God is real! Even though I am an emotional wreck, I know that. This is why I am so confident I can beat my issues and keep growing to be an amazing woman.


Dining with friends

There's this woman, a soldier, who tithes at my church. She has done so sight unseen. She had never visited my church, to my knowledge. Her tithes followed a man, well two men. She moved her money when we got a new pastor. He was a member of her church before he became leader of ours. He is an amazing man with an amazing wife and family. I can understand why she would support this church. It's the reason why I support this church, I believe in the vision. So amazed with her faith and humbled by her military sacrifice, a number of the women of St. John Missionary Baptist Church went out for dinner this evening. We just met up in the food court of the mall. We socialized, then we went separate ways and got dinner, then we ate, and again we socialized. We walked the mall. We shopped. We laughed. We just enjoyed each others company.

Wow, this is what happens when you are motivated by good. I dined with eight women from varying backgrounds. There was little gossip, lol, but general enjoyment. I feel blessed to be in the company of this positivity. Too often I find that all my girl to girl conversations are about men, gossip, or something else negative. It was so fun to just interact. I think these are my friends. I know I have to manage these relationships just as I have to manage others, but these are women who are going to teach me things I need to know. In that way, they are my friends and I am blessed.

Eat, drink, and be merry!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

God wants me to know...that it only takes faith

... that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty.

Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!
I live so much of my life on faith. I realize that believing is essential. I heard a song this evening that basically said if God never does anything else for me He's already done enough. Wow! My faith has insured so much. He has done enough for me, but I have faith that he has made a lot of decisions for my future!

Emotional island, renters wanted

I am emotionally standing on an island all alone. I've been on this island my entire life. I don't even know any other way. I am emotionally dependent on myself. I came by this the hard way. I would lean on other people and they let me fall. So, I count on me. I depend on me. I rely on me. Emotionally, I stand on an island all alone. But, it's getting damn lonely and cold out here.

I think this self reliance dates back to my childhood. I think it has also set me up to fail. My parents are such individual people. We don't have a family. Actually it's more appropriate to say we are not a family unit. My mother is on her on island where she's an amazing career woman and pillar in the community. My father is on his own island where he's just doing him. He has a farm and friends and stuff. He has his own life. My brother is that in name. We have so little to do with each other that we probably wouldn't know each other from a description alone. My sister is a great woman who makes room for me in her life knowing I don't really belong. I can appreciate who my family is, but I don't have to like it...right?

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my independence. I am thankful for the strength these relationships have given me. But, it is beginning to suck. I had been dating this guy who was for the most part, self fish, insecure, immature, and ridiculously demanding. I didn't give in to his crap. I didn't entertain him at all. I was dating him for recreation more than anything else. Then a playful comment I made was taken the wrong way. We were texting, and I forgot my dark humor was often lost on him. He went left. He criticized me to death. I was every awful word known to man. I was reliving conversations with my son's father. I remained calm. I didn't bash him for being unemployed, broke, living with only a metal futon and hand me down bed, nothing about his lack of education or drive. I see all those things as obvious to him. Just like me being overweight and knocked around by life. No one wants to be reminded of life gone bad, not even in anger. Too bad he doesn't agree. I got my feelings hurt, again by another man not worth it. But, I never reduced myself to his shit...until I just typed it in this blog, lol. I stayed strong. Now the point is, I never mentioned this until now.

A big reason for this is that when I call a friend to discuss a hard time they tend to monopolize the conversation with bullshit. Or, I call and listen to them have a conversation with someone else in the background. Or, I call and they don't answer and by the time they call back I've worked it out on my own. Or, I call and they disregard my stuff. Or, I call and I am reminded that some people don't listen, they wait to talk. If you ever see this in yourself, STOP it will ruin your relationships. Not to stand here patting myself on the back, but I think I may have out matured a number of my friends...maybe.

I do not trust even my friends with major information in my life. Because what I have learned is you cannot rely on people. You just cannot. A secret is not a secret when you tell one person. And, undoubtedly people will use everything against you if they see the opportunity to hurt you or get ahead. I believe this. I believe that I spend my life on this island because although cold and lonely it's safe here.

So what happens to me? I have already decided that marriage is not an option. At least not in this life time. Maybe this will change, but as of now...NO WAY! I just can't keep giving me to be mistreated or misused. Because at the end of the day, I don't have anyone else worthy or trusted enough to help me out of that pinch.

I think that's why I blog. It's therapeutic. It's exactly what I need to manage this issue. Because although I appreciate the comments and the readers, you cannot judge me, use anything against me, or hurt me. And, I love you for that!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Weight Loss...again

I'm finally figuring this weight loss thing out. It's all about knowledge. It's about reading the nutritional information, the scale, and the clothing sizes. It's about being realistic about my expectations and the work required to meet those expectations. I have some long term goals that I'm not ready to commit to, so I need to keep my focus on my short term goals. As I tackle them one by one, I can see how they effect my long term goals.

I am really beginning to make this healthy living stuff work for me!

Mother's Day...yeah sure it is

Mother's Day is beautiful in theory. I spent the day threatening my child in church, helping my mother move furniture, and helping to make it the best day for other people. Is this the curse of the young mom? Are we more daughters and granddaughters than mothers? I did have the opportunity to sneak away for a quick Happy Mother's Day to me pedicure, that my son later stepped on. I just wonder when I get to see the shift. When does the single mother, daughter, and granddaughter get to be appreciated on Mother's Day too? Really, when???

I know this sounds really self fish, but I do wonder when my time comes. I don't mind being a happy appreciative daughter and granddaughter, but I want someone to giddy over me too. Maybe I need a boyfriend or husband, hmmm...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

God wants me to know...the time is now

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

God wants me to fears house my rewards

... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

God wants me to know...I need to find stories that move my heart

... that to find out who you are becoming find stories that move your heart.

Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming. Look for stories in movies and books that resonate in your heart, and you will find glimpses of your possible futures. What is your favorite story?

Monday, May 4, 2009


I have someone in my life who hates me more than any other emotion he has. Hate is an amazing thing. It can have people so jaded. It has made him immune to many things. It has given him tunnel vision. It feeds him, total nourishment. It's a dangerous thing when someone hates you so much that they can survive off it.

God wants me to's okay

it's okay...
Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

I needed this, because things are crazy. Sometimes I get so caught up in what's going on that I forget to breathe. I think this is easy for mothers, SAHM, WAHM, and mother's working outside the home. You get so involved in everyone else that you forget to take time out to just rest and relax. Sometimes you have to step outside of everything take a break and know that God is going to take care of any problems known or unknown.

My Body is AMAZING

Okay it may not curve exactly, just, where it should. It may not be beach ready or the summer's hottest new thing. It's normal, and it's flawed, and it's working it's ass off for me everyday.

Explained: I've been so stressed out lately. I've had so many changes in my life. There are relationships that have pulled me through so much turmoil I didn't think I would make it through. There are situations that I have beat myself up over, because I created something I didn't think I could handle. I have been in some hard, very difficult, places lately.

In those places I gave into every craving. I ate sugar like it was the only thing on Earth to eat and I washed down every bite with big cup of caffeine. I slept crazy hours, as usual, and killed myself at the gym. I punished myself over and over because of the crazy I'd allowed in my life.

My body never gave in. My body stepped up and made me get myself together. My body started insisting on changes I didn't want to make. It took back control. That's why overweight and out of shape aren't good enough for my body. I have to get it together, because my body is amazing. I have to make the outside fit the inside. I want the world to know.

I want everyone to take a break from complaining about what's not right and appreciate what is.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

God wants me to know...that He has an important purpose for me, and made everything possible for me to succeed

That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.
This is so true! Everything in my life has happened with good reason. It's just been important for me to step back and see those reasons. So often life's changes or setbacks infuriate us. We don't look at the reasons and growth opportunities in those changes or setbacks. Everything happens for a planned reason. There are no coincidences with God.
Let go, and let God!

5 TOP 5's


1. God

2. My beautiful son, Blaise

3. Creativity

4. All things GLAM

5. Fam & Friends

Waredrobe pieces I can't live without

1. trouser jeans

2. cotton knits

3. comfy sundresses

4. wedges

5. clutch bags


1. death

2. roaches and rodents

3. heights

4. uncertainity

5. failure

Current happiest moments

1. Blaise's smile

2. coffee

3. feeling leaving the gym after a great workout

4. my flower garden blooming

5. bubbles in the backyard with Blaise

Hopes and Dreams

1. Blaise never has a bad day. Bad things may happen, but I never want them to absorb to much of his time or him.

2. my jewelry company, blaisedENVY, takes off soon

3. money not be an issue

4. true, complete, self acceptance

5. stability

What are your 5 top 5's?

Monday, April 27, 2009

God wants me to know...that I'm magical!

Every little part of you is magical.Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It's alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that's exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: 'I love you.'

Saturday, April 25, 2009

My son runs cons.

So tonight Blaise came running into the room after breaking one of the many things he broke today. He was whinning, why I often refer to him as Whinner. He came running to me saying he was a bad boy. My heart was broken. I repeatedly told him he wasn't a bad boy. He's a very good boy that sometimes does bad things. So while we hugged and I felt like the world's worst mother ever, he tricked me into a promise of a scooter and a mini bag of Skittles, a Tootsie Roll Pop, and three plastic filled eggs from a Easter bag owed to someone else. With his guaranteed scooter and goodie bag, he climbed out of my lap and damn near skipped to his room. He got me!

Friday, April 24, 2009

About my Garage Sales

I faithfully have two garage sales a year. I love having garage sales. I wish I could have one every other month. It's good for me. I'm the daughter of a pack rat, who is the daughter of a Great Depression survivor. I need this to stop the cycle.
I think they are very therapeutic. It's important to purge. I find that I accumulate far to much clutter, especially with a young child. We are changing wardrobes often, whether he's growing out of it, the season changes, or I simply change my mind. Plus clothes don't hold up well. They fade. They shrink. They stretch. They stop fitting the perfect way they did when I purchased them. Or, I bought this, that, or the other with great intention just to later decide, after the receipt is long gone, I don't want it anymore. My son changes favorites every week. So, we end up with this abundance of "last week's" favorite toy, book, action figure, or whatever. We could quickly grow out of space if this stuff stayed around. I also feel you don't bring anything in without taking something out. This is a hard belief to live, but I'm trying! Plus, it's money in my hand.
I recommend a yearly garage sale to every family. It wards off the possibility of becoming a pack rat.
What put this whole garage sale thing on my mind is the loss of an old friend. I looked around my area and was sad. If I died today, my family and friends would deal with my death and the work to go through and clean up my things. If family came in for my service my grief stricken family would be forced to break out the trash bags and bins before they could entertain guest. Now honestly, I'm hoping they, and everyone I know(knew), are grief stricken! So although my place isn't a natural disaster it's purge, organize, and clean time! Now it's really, honestly, I promise, not that bad, but it's not the best it can be either.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

God wants me to know...that love is effortless

True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force yourself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you've missed the first step of filling in your own Self with these emotions.

This is so true! When I have to force myself to give of myself, it's time to take out the mirror and do some analyzing.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

God wants me to know...the time is now

I am really enjoying this Facebook application. If you are a Facebook member add this app to your profile too.

On this day in your life, it's time to STOP going through the motions of living, and START living. Are you willing to do that now? Or are you going to wait until all life energy drains out of you and your loved ones who are trying to support you at this very moment? You were not born to follow rules and regulations. Living starts with dreaming. So dream, dream friend, and let dreams show you the path to your bliss.


Reminising on young love

For whatever reason my mind travelled back to my 1st major relationship. His name was Steven. I would change the name to protect the innocent, but I'll just slip up and use his real name later. So what's the point? Steven was two years older than I was. When we met he'd just graduated high school and I was going into my Junior year. He was so handsome. He'd come by my job with a friend of his. I worked as a sales associate at the Buckle. We ended up exchanging numbers and were in a relationship quickly. It's funny but most of my romances are because a guy tells me I'm his girlfriend, lol.

So we had this 1st and 2nd base relationship. There was a lot of kissing, fondling, and hand holding. I was a virgin, and he hadn't earned my treats. So for a few months we had a great summer "thing," then he left for school in Florida. I was so upset. Then, he stopped returning my calls, cheated on me, and dumped me. I slipped into a deep depression and thought life was over. Well, that's extreme, but I was sad.

Then he'd return, I'd be on cloud nine, and he would let me down. He was running a game on a number of us silly girls trapped by his killer smile. Then the fall of my senior year I accidentally ran into his ex-girlfriend who wanted to beat my ass when she found out who I was. Turns out that the sweet Steven who loved me so much still loved her at the same time. Thank God for friends who realize there's only 6 degrees of separation, but don't tell you until you are separated. Eventually, I was done with the "love." I wanted to be his friend. Of course that didn't work out, and now I don't know if he's dead or alive. Funny, not whether he's dead or alive, but how things change...for the better, best!

Young love now makes me laugh. I say to young devastated girls all the time, within a year he won't even rank in your life. It took me a couple years with Steven, but still the same.

Sugar is evil and I have the face to prove it!

So I've been obsessing about my skin. I mean in the mirror fifty times a day staring at every little blemish. They are so small they aren't even worthy of makeup. They are just there to bother me. Each and every blemish is there to harass me. Yep, they are. So I started trying to trace back the culprit. Well it's almost always sugar, liquid sugar in fact. What have I been drinking? Well I down about 6 cups of coffee a day and water. I don't drink much outside of those two things. Days can even pass without me venturing past my coffee and water. So what is it? So I searched the Folgers canister for nutritional information as I pulled the creamer out of the 'frig. The creamer! My French Vanilla International Delight creamer is killing my almost 30 year old excellent complexion. There's about 12 gazillion grams of sugar in this creamer, per serving. I use 2 tablespoons a serving, two servings a day. On top of that I'm out of my treasured Equal. So, I've been using a pack of Sweet and Low and a pack of sugar, because I need the sugar to cut the bitterness of the Sweet and Low. Wow, I am so hyped up on sugar it amazes me my face hasn't just turned into an oozing crater of never to date again hideousness! Why didn't I realize this before? The beginning of the break out I just blamed on the almost dozen Sprinkles cupcakes I'd been helping myself to. Wait, so last week I downed cupcakes and a cup of sugar a day. What the hell is wrong with me? That's why I've also been moody, over my guy, letting my kid get away with murder, and seeing double. I mean literally, my eyes have been nuts. My treasured coffee is taking me back in time. No, not to my tight waist and virginity, but to puberty's cursed pizza face. What's worse, I bypassed acne then just to get hit with it now.

"If you have a tough time slowing your pace at the dinner, try stopping before you feel full… I can't guarantee the practice will work; however, you have nothing to lose but weight." - Dr. David L. Katz, MD

Monday, April 20, 2009


When I get tired I look forward to rest, relaxation, and just plain ordinary sleep. I love my sleep. I don't get near enough of it! I just think there's something euphoric about climbing in my nice warm bed, snuggling up to all the pillows, pulling the cover up to my neck, and closing my eyes. I stretch and wiggle until I'm in the perfect place. Then I talk to God, think over my day, preplan tomorrow, and drift off to beautiful sleep. I love that process!

Now my son on the other hand, doesn't go down without a fight. He hates bedtime. He refuses a nap. He doesn't believe in sleep. Rather than go to sleep he prefers a few tantrums, screaming at the top of his lungs, trying me to no end, and begging for food or drink. He doesn't really like sleep, to say the least. What?! Then to top this off, he can wake up like the sun shines through his eyes. He pops up with the most adorable "G'morning mama!" How does this work?

Back to me, I either jump out of bed like a crazy person because I heard a bump, or think I slept through the alarm, or I curse whoever interrupted my euphoria.

I have to get it together. I have to get him together. We need to get it together!!!

God wants me to know...that I cannot wait anymore

Facebook has this application called God wants you to know. So of course I took the bait, because I felt if there was anything God wanted me to know I wanted to hear it! Without any questions it randomly gives you a motivational word. I love a motivational word. So as only God can do, I got the right 'random' motivational word for me. It is this, the moment has finally come. You have no choice. You have to take that step now. Now. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, - Now! If anyone else is reading this, they would be confused. But not you. You know exactly what we mean. Do it. Now. The down side is I don't know what that one step is. I think it's a number of little steps that equate into some big movement. Movement that I need now!

Whoever happens to read this I hope can see their own steps in it. It's true that you maybe confused by the step(s) I need to take, but there's something in this message for you too.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Okay it's happened, I'm over the single life

Well being over the single life is only half true. I want an option to the single life. I want half a boyfriend. I need a guaranteed date, someone to take out the trash, kill the bugs, and hold me at night. I don't want anyone who will infringe upon my freedom. I don't want to have to answer to anyone about anything either. I just want half a boyfriend. Do they sell them like that?

I figured this out the last time I laid in some one's arms. I was like, WOW I like this. Then shortly after he questioned where I was going and why. I was like, WOW I'm over this. How do I find the right blend?

I say all of this right after being happy that my last 50% of a relationship ended. It just wasn't the right 50% of a relationship. It was two people too satisfied to give just a little bit of ourselves. I don't think either of us were in it. It comes back to the fight we put in for our relationship. We were both finally single and emotionally available at the same time. We see it crashing and burning, but refuse to give up after the work to get there in the first place. It's punishment.

I think I want what I know I shouldn't aspire to have. Outside of the obvious ridiculousness of half a boyfriend, I am stuck in rose colored glasses. I want someone to give me 100% and be okay with me just offering up a wavering 50%. The man who would be okay with this isn't really the man I want in the first place.

Also, I have a crush. I have a crush on a man who has no idea I have a crush on him. He knows I exist and we have convo, but he doesn't know about my crush. I'm obsessed with how creative he is, how handsome he is, and how cool he is. I'm turned off that he's physically my destructive type. I am doing this unconsciously, lol.

So the real question is do I really want a relationship, a half boyfriend, or do I just want my crush? Hmmm...

Monday, April 13, 2009

The mirrors in my life

I know who I am. I live with this body, this face, and this personality. I cannot escape me. I am stalking myself, lol. I make it a point to keep mirrors in my life. I think it's important. I am, by far, my worst critic. I am a realist. I know what my hang ups are. I don't sugar coat anything from myself. I think it's important to really look in the mirror everyday of your life and face yourself head on. I believe all these things.

I also think that if you can totally accept yourself as you are today no one can tear you down. If you know that you are pleasantly plump, with beautiful curves, and toning more and more everyday, no one can call you fat and it stick to your feelings. Knowing that your big ass, big nose, big teeth, or big feet belong to you, make you who you are, and add to your beauty defeat the insensitive ass that would try to use these things against you the first time they feel inferior.

I am not a slim girl. I have not been a slim girl in a long time. I workout to become a healthy girl though. That's important to me. I have this crazy neck too. It's a family neck, no turkey similarities, but it is a little rollie pollie. I get annoyed by it, but no one's perfect. I have big feet for my short stature, but I love my tall fabulous friends who I can share shoes with. I don't have the most shapely legs, but I'm really strong and my legs are there, healthy, and can workout on the eliptical for at least an hour and fifteen minutes at a time. I am full of flaws. BUT, I am also overflowing with character and personality. I am who I am, and because I have accepted it whole heartedly no one can steal it away from me or make me feel bad about it!

A little sprinkle of appreciation

I had a friend from high school do me an amazing favor this Easter weekend. I desperately wanted Sprinkles cupcakes. I have moved from a Sprinkles headquarters to an area Sprinkles won't even deliver to. Devastated! So a girl from high school promised to being me some when she visited her brother here in town. I gave her my little half dozen order, and sang and danced my excitement. Like she promised, that weekend she arrived with my Sprinkles. I asked her how much I owed her, she said don't worry about it. It was my Easter gift. WOW! I was touched, but I wanted to gift back to her. She refused. I begged until she accepted a few pieces of my jewelry. We chatted. We hugged. We departed. I rushed home, pulled out an air proof Tupperware container, because Sprinkles says so, and snatched the box out of the bag. It was a dozen cupcakes! It was a dozen cupcakes! I was floored. How sweet of her! I shared, but we plan to eat more than we give.

My heart was so full from cupcakes. What she didn't realize was I'd had one of the worst weeks of my life. It's been so hard. I've been attacked so strongly by someone who certainly has no right. I've been in tears more than not, in the last seven days. It's been so hard. I wanted those cupcakes. Those cupcakes meant more to me than she realized. I was looking for peace in those cupcakes. How silly! The even funnier part is I am a single mother. I own a struggling business. I am a full-time student. I have very little unclaimed income, lol. I was in no position to purchase $20-$40 cupcakes. I'm robbing Peter to pay the attorney now. My friend gifted me an amazing gift without even realizing it. I thank God for Easter, and great friends who gift cupcakes at the right time in the right place!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thursday, April 9, 2009

My Ideal Man must...

Right before going to class my on again, off again, relationship crashed and burned again! So while giving 50% of my attention to my professor I devised a list of the top qualities of my ideal man. Of course I have a long list of the physical attributes I'd love to look at and hug up to every day, but this is more about the personality qualities I need the man in my life to have.

1. CHARISMATIC - I love how appealing a charming man is.
2. DEPENDABLE- I need someone that I can count on.
3. LOYAL - A loyal man will not cheat, will remain trustworthy, and always be true
4. SPIRITUAL AND RELIGIOUS- To love me you must love God.
5. STRONG - I want a man physically, emotionally, and mentally strong.
6. STABLE - He must be mentally and emotionally stable.
7. FOCUSED - He must have an agenda that he is committed to.
8. INTELLIGENT - I need to be able to have a thought provoking conversation.
9. ROMANTIC - I'm a girly girl. I want to be wined and dined.
10. GOAL-ORIENTED - I need a man who can see past today and plan for tomorrow too.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009 who?

I had a showcase over the weekend that I would consider unsuccessful. It was a failure. I consider any showcase that does not result in sales a failure. I understand that showcases offer the chance to grow the amount of etsyers that "heart" me, build up my views, and the potential of a treasury inclusion. It gives me the opportunity be seen by all my fellow crafters. I understood this and have pumped a considerable amount of money into showcases. I think about my time. The time I have dedicated to filling my inventory, taking and retaking pictures, building the perfect lists, and corresponding with anyone asking any questions. I compulsively watch the number of views change. I compulsively check out the competition. I compulsively spend the day being compulsive.

I have had a eureka moment though. This moment came in a scenario. If I were a competitve jelly maker at a jelly making competition how would I conduct myself? I would make my jelly, put it in a decorative jar, and design a beautiful presentation. I would dress to impress, and be ready! Just before the the judging started I would walk the mile. I'd size up all my competition. I would try their jellies, and maybe even steal ideas that I could revamp and make better. I would smile warmly at my competition. Then I would return to my seat and begin writing down all my new ideas and never to do ideas. I would fluff my own booth, check my makeup, and smile at all the other last mile competitors and wait for the judging to begin. That's a showcase. I know that I visit the showcase to see what my competition looks like. I "heart" some sellers and items. I get giddy when I see someone pair something I'd only thought of. I jump off line and go create my new piece. I appreciate that showcase for the ideas it sparked. That's it.

I need to walk away from showcases. I have to stop showcasing myself to my competition and co-workers. I need to get out in the world and take advantage of everyone else. Truly, etsy is merely a neighborhood in the world wide web. There's so much untapped opportunity. So I need to post new pictures on my Myspace,, and I need to fill my Facebook with more blaisedENVY information. I tweet on twitter, I blog like crazy at and I belong to,, and I have the avenues to pull in business. I just need to take advantage of them! It's time to stop relying on etsy to make my mark and simply appreciate them for what they are. They are the backdrop of my business, kind of like a pegboard. I appreciate they host all my viewing parties, but they did not sign up to fill out the invitations and do the goodie bags. I'm getting realistic about this, EUREKA!

Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm not broken

Some people don't mean us any good. Some people are looking for ways to tear us down. They are so dissatisfied with their own beings they look to destroy others. Why does it always seem to be those closest to us?

I have been brutally attacked over the last few days by someone who had zero right. This person has called me names and threatened my safety. They have drug my family into things. They have shown their true colors, and they are ugly. I've never had someone say the things to me this person has said. Their behavior has been cruel, harassing, rude, immature, and sinister. This person has also continuously brought God into this madness, how God feels about me, what God will do to me, etc. Seriously? You would allow the name of the God to be the chaser to the fifty two obscenities you just hurled at me? Instead of worrying yourself over my relationship with God, you should reexamine your own.

This stems from them not getting what they wanted from me when they wanted it. They have failed to realize that in some situations it's way more than the surface. There maybe lots of key players in the story that have to be taken into consideration. It's very important to think major decisions through completely. I repeat, it is very important to think major decision through completely.

I have found I have to be more careful with myself. I cannot allow the ignorance of others to effect me so profoundly again. I cannot share any information with people who have the potential to use it against me later. I have to be far more careful who I chose to share my body with because having a child with someone is a lock greater than imprisonment. When that person has continued ignorant behaviors you must be both parents, mediator, and put on every other hat in the closet. Your knees may become sore from kneeling in prayer so often. Your head will hurt from the ridiculous behaviors. Your heart will break from acts of someone who once told you they loved you. But, you will find peace when you give it to God and step back.

I finally stepped back. I stopped responding. I stopped taking calls. I stopped getting wrapped up in the madness. I prayed over him. I prayed for him. I washed my hands. I walked away. Thank God!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm breaking

I have more than I can handle. I know scriptures say the Lord will not give you more than you can handle. I don't mean to question God, but I'm breaking under the weight of my life. I'm breaking. I don't know what to do anymore. I am breaking. God help me.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

My man is just my type...ugh!

I had a shocking revelation today. I mean so shocking I spent the next 30 minutes with extreme nausea. I seem to have a type of man. I just realized this. My man is African-American, light skinned, pretty, with perfect full lips, curly hair, football star's build, and an amazing smile. He has excellent sex. Yet, he is dumb as a box of rocks, emotionally unavailable, and the thought of him makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. He is typically the underdog.

Wow, my type is a very ridiculous! I mean I can see more of my self sabotage everyday.

This all began because I wanted to try again with my most current underdog, P. Wait, to rewind even further this is me. I love to be loved, but I hate to feel the slightest bit of suffocation. I like to talk on the phone and text, but I need my space. I need my space everyday during my wind down at least. Don't send me lots of cards and flowers. Buy me things that are me specific and remember actions speak louder than words. I do love to get all dolled up and go out on the town, but I am far more impressed with a dinner prepared for me and an evening designed around me. I'm an easy girl to work with. You have to really try to screw up to screw up. I am underdog motivated, how high have my expectation really been? That brings me to P. P is MIA quite often. He's so absent I forget he exists. That's another thing, I am a creature of habit. If you don't become a part of my norm you will fall off my radar. When he is in existence it's as if we are having conversations with two different people. We don't seem to follow each other. We don't know each other. We haven't had enough quality constant time to determine if we even like each other as people, but we've been doing this date dance on and off for 3 years.

He falls off for a few days then he is so desperate for me again. Nope, I don't think he's seeing someone else. Nope, I don't think he's gay or a gigolo. I think he's just that clueless about relationships, and that self fish, that he thinks I should be happy with whatever crumb of him I get. LMAO! I really believe this. He gets to go live his life uninterrupted. He contacts me with all the sweetness he can muster when it's convenient for him. Ahhh, bullshit. This is just becoming obvious to me, sad. I mean I don't even think about him much either because when he falls off my radar he falls off completely. I'm a single mother, business owner, student, if you don't stay present in my life you really will get lost in the shuffle.

Now P is the new D. I dated D more than once, more than twice. D and I were always dating again because we had never gotten closure the time before. D is physically P, or P is physically D. They have the exact same features down to the curl pattern in their hair. They are both incredibly handsome men. They are also both idiots. At least D and I had stimulating conversation and often. He was just dumb in general relationship areas. One of those don't date anyone else type of men, because when he figures out what and who he wants to really be involved with it might just end up being you. But you were only going to get the shell of a relationship from him. Yep, that was D. Also, D was clocked out on life. He was living off what bad decision had led him to this place and why that made him sad. He was working a job he hated. He was caught up in someone else's family and someone else's life. The guy that just lives vicariously through his older brother, goes with his family on trips, dinners, events. The attached third wheel or unwanted sidecar. I mean they didn't mind, I don't think, but I did. Why don't any of your weekend stories have just you, or you and your friends, or just you and me in them? Your stories are you, your brother, his wife, their kids, and their kids' friends.

So D and I just fizzled out finally at some point. One of us stopped returning the other's calls and the other didn't noticed until a phone number had changed. It wasn't explosive and angry, it was time for a change and we didn't fight it. P and I are here too. We have known each other for years now, somewhere between 3 and 5. It has no potential to get better. We are just holding on because we tried so long to hook up and it was never convenient for us both at the same time. We finally got to each other. We thought this was what we wanted. We were sure we would be perfect for each other if we could just hook up. We were wrong. Now we're punishing each other for it.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Weight Monster, again, with his friend Body Issue Alien

"Women do that. We compare our worst to every body's best." -Marie Osmond, talking about body issues and weight

YES!!! I find that I will compare my flaws to the perfect airbrushed photos in magazines or nip'd and tuck'd stars walking the red carpet. Why do I do this? Why do we, as a gender, do this? I'm typing this and staring at Oprah's new hair and wondering why I can't get my hair to have that body. I can't do it because I don't have a team of the best of the best celebrity hair stylists. I can purchase a matching hair piece or wig though, it will hold my jealousy at bay. Also, I want the curves of the entertainment beauties, but I have to remember it's harder without a chef and trainer. So for this obsession, I'll go cash in my mad money change jar, buy a new pair of Spanx, and with the rest a clip on Oprah Winfrey hair piece.

Seriously with all the products and information out there, it is possible to beat the weight monster and body issue alien, but it's important to be realistic!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Creative bound

I remember being in elementary school, through junior high, making these necklaces out of seed beads, fishing line, and safety pins. It was a business, a marketing tool, an image. I had so many of them, I could coordinate most any outfit. I was even turning my friends on to them too. It was fun. I liked the process. I liked getting my folks to venture into the craft section of Wal-Mart to let me pick out new beads and value bags of safety pins. I liked that people would see some of my necklaces and be jealous and have to have one to, at a price.

I even remember going on a school field trip in 7th grade, I think, to this behind in the times reenactment place. I was bored out of my mind until I ran across the little lady pretending to make beads. She had this jar full of beads in front of her. I would never believe she had really made them herself, but that was beside the point. I saw beads. I saw beads no one else at school had. I saw my classmates laughing at me for buying beads from a woman in a bonnet with a sleeping German shepherd. Seriously, I saw beads that were going to be so turn of the century cheap I could do some major damage. And, I did. I bought a handful and went home and made some pretty fantastic junior high quality necklaces. Sold out in no time.

I should have known. I was a trendsetter. I did what I wanted and didn't apologize for it. I liked that about young me. I can remember in 8th grade jellies, the plastic shoe, came back in style. Wow, I was so excited. I loved jellies when I was young, younger. I begged my mom for two weeks, until she finally bought me some on sale at Target. They were old school sandal type, clear with a woven top and low ankle strap. AMAZING! I went home and pulled out my best crazy printed socks and matched up a Monday outfit. I was so ready for school. I remember being caught off guard when everyone teased me on Monday. It wasn't bad teasing, but obviously they thought it was a joke. Hell nah, I was super serious! I kept it up. Everyday I had a new fab outfit, crazy sock, and clear jellies sandals. Everyday that week, I stepped out like a runway model. Everyday that week some ultra popular, my shit don't stink, girl had something to say. I did not care. I had fought my mom for those shoes and I would wear them to death. So when the week ended I felt that I had really accomplished something. I had stared down a lion, dressed as a 8th grade girl. The next Monday every laughing commenting 8th, and trying to be cool 7th, grade girl were walking down the halls in multi colored jellies or crazy jellies and sock combinations. I was furious. Posers!

That's who I am. I do what I think is fashion. I am a creative force and I like to live it. Because that's what style is. It's what fashion means. It's the opportunity to blur lines and interpret things the way you want. The only thing that matters is fit and appropriateness.

All this to say, I love my jewels. I love the way they make me feel and the statement they make. I love how accomplished I feel when I create them or when I wear them. I love being creative. I thank God for this blessing. It's AMAZING!

Little did I know, many never to be counted, years ago I had discovered my destiny.

compulsively working


The term DIVA was originally used to describe a woman of rare outstanding talent. The term derives from an ancient Italian word meaning "goddess," Which in turn, derives from the feminine form of a Latin word divus, meaning "divine one."

Thank you Facebook friend, life friend, for this definition.

This all started in a Beyonce song bash, "Diva is the female version of a hustla...of a of a hustla...of a of a hustla." No, it's not. It's really really not. I don't care for this song, nor did my friend, because this word has far more class than a broken noun like "hustla." It's not attractive in my eyes to be just some hustla. Diva is not something I've been aspiring to be either, but would much rather be called. I want to be a business woman or a mogul. Yeah, mogul. I mean after it is earned of course.

I just think it's time for us to stop revamping words and changing their definitions. It's time to stop making the words easier and start trying harder. I know some "hustla's." They are the norm in their environments. They are not thinking or doing anything outside the box. They don't embody excellence. They seem slightly better than average, at most. Then I also know business women, community leaders, entrepreneurs, role models, and volunteers that I would call DIVA! It's not about being the flashiest or the most fab. It's about taking who you are and making everything around you better with it. It's about locating your talents and making a change with them not because it amplifies who you are, but because it amplifies your surroundings and those who surround you. Divine one.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Underdog, I will take you as you are!

Why am I either attracting or attracted to the underdog? This cannot be healthy.

It seems that I continue to take on the guy down on his luck, clocked out on life, w/o goals or ambition, or the chronic victim. This is a very unhealthy problem. I don't know why I end up in this cycle.

I have an odd, unintentional, obsession with the underdog. I don't seem to meet any really outstanding men. I mean I want to meet a man who I am so impressed by I accidentally put my elbow in my plate during dinner. I want someone who reads me between my lines and can draw the right conclusion. Where is he? Instead I end up being approached by the man who is wanting to impress me with a conversation about his sexual conquests, ex-girlfriends, or high school accomplishments. Seriously? For real, for real? The man who is so wrapped up in himself that if I passed out dead in the middle of our date, it could be hours before he even noticed. This man is multiplying quickly and stalking me.

I'm being hit from every direction with the many date-this-way books. I feel like I've read them all at this point. Don't give up your power. I know. Don't think you have to give up too much of yourself to be valued. I know. Don't lose yourself in a man. I know. Be a part of my own plan to realize when I am a part of a positive plan with a man. I know. Don't think I have to settle. I know. Have a reasonable list of wants. I know. I want to go to an eatery with cloth napkins, not paper ones. I know. I know. I know.

I super know, that I'm tired of reading and listening. Dammit, talk to these foolish men. Motivate them to stop being the underdog. Write them a book, or read them a few chapters of the book you wrote for me. Because I keep breaking all the rules because I'm discouraged. My well learned methods don't seem to be working. Either they are wearing me down or too many of them are on to these methods.

Teach these losers how to be winners, please.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

There is a man that I adore

There is a man that I do like. I've written on this topic before. I've written on this man before because he still exists and puzzles me! I do like him though, but work for ever ending happiness with him...NEVER. It shouldn't be this freaking hard. And, and, why does he quickly realize when I'm pulling away and snatch my ass back in.

Tonight he called and started the conversation with, "who's the new man in your life?" I mean it was so very very Big and Carrie Bradshaw. But he's not Mr. Big and I am no Carrie Bradshaw, not even on my most fashionable and emotionally frazzled day. So, I responded to that odd question with "huh? Hello?" Then our conversation progressed and got us both on the same page quickly. He told me that he's upset because I haven't been consistent about the things I asked him to be consistent about. I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but a relationship means I get to talk with you everyday like a crazy person. I text you continuously and you reply immediately. I like that. I want that. I think that's okay. I AM A COMMUNICATOR! He rather see your face than just hear your voice. He doesn't talk to anyone everyday. Doesn't texting = calling? He cares about me, just me. He wants me. Really?

I say how much do you know me? How much do you want to know me? How many random questions about me could you answer? How much are you passionate about the woman I am? Because, I really think you like my face and the potential to push said face into a pillow while you have your way with me. It's just what I was thinking though. And now, Steve Harvey has this no nonsense book that confirms what I think, but have carefully hidden away. Steve Harvey agrees that it doesn't matter just how handsome and sexy he is or how safe and comfortable he can make me feel, he's just not my guy. DAMMIT!

So against Steve Harvey I will continue to keep this man. I will adore this man. I will like this man. But, I will only give this man as much as he gives me. I will not call him everyday like a crazy person. I will not play relationship with someone who is obviously just planning to be my friend. Because at the end of the day he does legitimately care for me, but not enough. Not even near enough for me to live happily ever after.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What a difference 10 years makes!

I'm quickly approaching my 10 year reunion. It always seemed so far off. It always seemed like I had plenty of time. It's here, and it came incredibly fast. I have mixed emotions about my reunion. I mean at the end of the day these aren't all people I was giddy about. This wasn't a group of people I really felt I belonged to. I remember being apprehensive as every year passed, wondering how I'd feel about being stuck with just my class.

They are an amazing and accomplished group of people. People who have gone on to do drastically different things. Everyone seems happy and settled. Congrats. But, I just didn't feel like I belonged in their group. Maybe it's because I was one of the only 4 or 5 black students in this class? Maybe it was because most of the things I did during my K-12, I was the first black student to ever do. That's something I just don't want to revisit. I don't want to be odd or a token. I think I just want this reunion to hurry and come so it can hurry and go. I think I just want to ignore its existence much like I ignored the first round.

Also, I think I am just hitting my stride. I am now making major decisions and seeing major progress. I don't want to define myself by the last 10 years. I want to define myself over the next 5.

Monday, March 23, 2009


One horrible situation keeps progressing and effecting everything and everyone. Can we just get a miracle and a break?

Sunday, March 22, 2009


It's very unfortunate, but my former alias is gone. I am no longer Ms. Tameka Foster to the boys, and/or girls, I lie to. From this point on I will be me. Well until I think up something new and better, lol!

If I could be taller by doing that, I would just be short

Do you know how much taller I'd be if I stood on top of someone else? Really tall, but really lonely and awkward. How many people would want to be the close personal hang out friend of someone between 10' and 11' tall? And, the loneliness would be awful. If I stood on someone else to guarantee I be on a pedestal who would ever trust me again?

So that brings us to the real. I have spent the last few days being stepped on by someone close to me. Every opportunity this person gets they throw me under the bus in an effort to make themselves look better. It doesn't matter if I am competing with them for something or sitting quietly in a back corner reading a book. It is inevitable, my name will be dropped, and dropped hard. WTF! Leave me alone. I want it to stop.

The funny thing about it all was it took someone else to point it out. They pulled me aside and asked me if I though it appropriate I be treated like this. I never noticed it before. That relationship is so strained and difficult I just go with the flow. I take the public assault with thanksgiving that it's not a private over the top bitch fest. Am I kidding myself? Is this relationship just that toxic? This has been occurring for the past 10 years, ever since I didn't fulfill their expectations and broke away from their control. Again, I like who I am. Screw you.

So for anyone out there using someone else to get a few feet on their height, STOP! They should figure out what is so screwed up in their lives that they need to pull other people deep into their shit. Congrats on your accomplishments, but they must not be keeping you warm at night. They must not be feeding your hunger. They aren't giving you something you need and you hate me for it.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It's me o'clock

Today is not enough for me! This place, location and moment in time, are not enough for me! I think my sedentary mentality has been my downfall. Look at where the world is! Global anything is attainable! I have no outside limitations that I cannot get past. So, now is the time to change my place in life. Right now!

That's scary, but if I don't take hold of my destiny life is going to pass me by. I'm not going to look back over my life with regrets. I will not have regrets. I refuse. I will shake things up. I will be a force!

I am a passionate, beautiful, talented woman. I typically never compliment myself. I praise my company, my child, and the energies around me, but seldom to I just praise myself. That stops now! Because at the end of the day I do think highly of myself. I am full of faults, but I'm not all bad. I am so many amazing things and realistic about both my pros and cons. So again, I'm having realizations and making my time now!

Time to review your top 5!

"You can OFTEN tell how far your LIFE and CAREER will go based on the 5 people that you spend the MOST time with."
-Will Smith

"Fashion? Fashion is..." they said. (QUOTES)

"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
—Coco Chanel

"The difference between style and fashion is quality."
-Giorgio Armani

"I don't do fashion, I am fashion."
-Coco Chanel

"Elegance is a question of personality, more than one's clothing."
-Jean-Paul Gaultier

"Style is primarily a matter of instinct."
-Bill Blass

"Chanel is composed of only a few elements, white camellias, quilted bags and Austrian doorman's jackets, pearls, chains, shoes with black toes. I use these elements like notes to play with."
-Karl Lagerfeld

"Art produces ugly things which frequently become beautiful with time. Fashion, on the other hand, produces beautiful things which always become ugly with time."
-Jean Cocteau

"Beauty of style and harmony and grace and good rhythm depend on simplicity."

"Fashion is made to become unfashionable."
-Coco Chanel

"We live not according to reason, but according to fashion."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
-Mark Twain

"The expression a woman wears on her face is more important than the clothes she wears on her back."
-Dale Carnegie

"Fashion condemns us to many follies; the greatest is to make ourselves its slave."
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"While clothes may not make the woman, they certainly have a strong effect on her self-confidence - which, I believe, does make the woman."
-Mary Kay Ashe

"Above all, remember that the most important thing you can take anywhere is not a Gucci bag or French-cut jeans; it's an open mind.Gail Rubin Bereny

"I've always thought of the T-shirt as the Alpha and Omega of the fashion alphabet."
-Giorgio Armani

"I dress for the image. Not for myself, not for the public, not for fashion, not for men."
-Marlene Dietrich

"Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women."
-Elsa Schiaparelli

"Fashions fade, style is eternal."
-Yves Saint Laurent

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening."
-Coco Chanel

"Jeans represent democracy in fashion."
-Giorgio Armani

"The well-dressed man is he whose clothes you never notice."
-W. Somerset Maugham

Yes, still obsessed with ribbon wrapped bracelets!

Yes, I am obsessed with ribbon wrap bracelets!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

'Net Networking

So I'm blogging with friends at a couple small business networking sites. We are looking for new fantastic ways to market and advertise ourselves. It is so important to get the word out. I've been asking for advice, and now I am taking that advice and making a move. I am ACTIVELY involved with about 2 gazillion networking sites. Actively was the missing link before. I love my product. I believe so strongly in my product, but everyone else doesn't. It's not a matter of anxiety, a bad experience, or any other negativity. It's simply most people don't know that my product exists. Now, I can't continue to rely on my virtually unknown product, or business, to just sell itself. I need to do far more grunt work! Far more grunt work! So, I belong to as many sites as I can effectively manage, and I have been staying active. I tweet on Twitter, and the proof is at I will stay loyal to Myspace, Then there's my Etsy site that started it all, I also maintain profiles at,, and

I think and equally exciting part about joining these sites, is that right now they supply me with as much or more knowledge as exposure. That's just as important to me right now too, because I realize there's still so much I need to learn to grow. I can now officially recommend that everyone try this their own way. I got this advice and it has been more valuable than the right wire to string with.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Soul mate, seriously?

Soul mate. What does this really mean? There's supposedly one person out there in the world that's perfect for me. This news is depressing. I live in Texas. What if my soul mate just boarded a plane to London for the next fiftyleven years? Or is fighting in Iraq? Or is happily running a ranch somewhere North of right here right now? I just think this soul mate crap could be devastating. If there's any truth to this, it is devastating. Because if there's just one person out there for me, we may not be scheduled to meet for 30 years. So, I'm supposed to be single and in waiting for the next however long? Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the freedom single is allowing me today, but this may be a lonely life tomorrow. I don't want to do this forever. I just want to do this until I get everything else in life all lined out.

Bringing about another point, you cannot want for something you cannot offer. Example, I had a rule that I didn't date men with children, until I had a child. Now that I have and adore my own child, I can merely put a limit on number, but not on having at least one child. You can't not ask something of someone that you aren't willing to either provide or can live up to yourself. I want my next relationship to be with a man who is financially independent and stable. Someone who has there life mapped out for the next 20 or so years. I want a man who has clear obtainable goals and a possibility wish list. I want emotionally available, grounded, trustworthy, and balanced. I am accomplished in some, but not all. I'm working on some, but not all. Hell, some stuff is just sitting comfortably on the back burner. Because of this, I cannot force a man to be all of the things I want him to be. To date me you have to be equal to me or greater. I refuse to take care of anyone other than my son. And, I make sure I look at this as a vice versa situation.

So soul mates could be ideal, if I can control it. If he can be right on time, when I specify the time, I'm all in. Since it doesn't work like that, I'm going to file this one with Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny until I'm proven wrong.

If 30 is the new 20, will I have to do all of this again?

I am tiptoeing out of my 20s far too fast. I was looking in Ebony at the young movers and shakers today, and I realized I am older than most of them. Wow, where did my youth go? This pulls me back into my failure blog. I haven't accomplished enough to be looking at the ass end of my 20s yet. I am single, again, but I don't mind because I like it this time. I do have a perfect little boy, in my eyes. I am still finishing this degree, for the umpteenth time. BUT I do own a business that I spend most of the hours of the day working on. So my 20s have brought me motherhood and a business. I'm cool with that. The next two years need to slow way down and bring more successes to keep me cool on Jan. 24, 2011 though.

Wait if 30 is the new 20, I just get to do this all again. No need to worry, this is just my test run! I really take that to mean this is my guess, check and revise. Which I am thankful for. They say you don't get a second chance at life, but maybe you do at the post teen years. I have learned so much in these past 8 years. I have done many things I'm not proud of, and I have lived through some tough lessons. I feel accomplished in that regard. So the chance to do this over is exciting. Come on 30s I'm ready. Plus 40 is the new 30, so here's another opportunity for rebirth, lol. This is kind of the definition of don't sweat the small stuff or this too shall pass. 20s are designed to be all about growth. 30s are the beginning of applying knowledge. 40s are the years of realization. 50s are the years of learning to let go. 60s + are the years of appreciation. Or at least that's my take on things. My plan is to live life loud for many seasons to come. I'll just have to update this accordingly.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Career v. Student v. Entrepreneur + Mom = Me v. Career + Student + Entrepreneur + Mom = Me

I'm considering big career decision. It would be at two year commitment at minimum. This position would put me back in sales, and I do believe in this product. The downside is that I see it as giving up on my chosen career and my education. Am I turning my back on my drive and my business for the guaranteed successes of someone elses?

I do faithfully attend college. I've found my second wind, and I am back finishing my degree. Would I be throwing all that work away to pursue this career? This is tough. What to do with my massive schooling? I have hours upon hours, multiple certifications, and an Associates Degree. I am down the street from my Bachelors. This work would not be completely utilized in my new career. How do I feel about that?

blaisedENVY has been my passion for the last couple years now. I have created so many beautiful pieces of jewelry. I have so many beautiful accessories and apparel designs left in me. I have crazy potential. I can make this work! Would I be giving up on this dream, this ability, and this work? Can I add 5 - 10 hours to the day and do both? Can I figure out a way to make both work? Is it even possible to make both work?

Bashing this career opportunity does not make it bad. It's still an excellent opportunity that I'd feel like a fool to pass up. I have the chance to jump into a job that will quickly become a very lucrative career. I am sitting atop a gold mine. If I pass this by I will strongly regret it very soon.

So the answer is evident. I must take a shot at this new career. Also, finding or making the time to continue to finish my education and rock blaisedENVY until the wheels fall off. I'm going to have more work on my hands than ever before. This is going to be a defining moment for me. I will be tested. With all of this going on, I'm still a single mom to a attention needing 3 yo. I can do this. The harder I work today, the longer I get to relax tomorrow!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Business is not booming

I make a fantastic product! Seriously, I do! I make some of the most beautiful jewelry I've seen in a while. It's my opinion though. I take advantage of everything I can get my hands on. I read. I watch. I research. I do everything I can think of to keep growing in this field, this industry. I feel so proud of what I do. I want everyone else to realize my ability and take advantage of what I know and create. Why isn't this easy? Why isn't business booming? I consider myself on the road to expert, because I realize the importance of taking advantage of everyone's knowledge. So again, why isn't business booming? I want to push this to the absolute edge. I want this to be a part of what ultimately defines me. I need this to work as hard for me as I work for it. So, I need to figure out how. That will be next weeks project I guess!

I'm having far too many incidents of self doubt.

Blaise has a new school

So, Blaise is officially a day school student starting Monday. I'm very excited for him. He misses going to school and having fun with his school friends everyday. This is good. He's learning more and more everyday and needs some where to use this new knowledge. Mommy teaches and encourages, but it's different coming from a teacher in a school. So really I'm giddy about my little boy returning to educationville, but what am I gonna do with myself?

As much as I'm driven crazy, tired out, and sleep deprived, I'm used to being with him all day. I don't really know what to do with myself without my kid in tow. I'm nervous. I'm about to start a new job, looking at some major changes as far as my biz, and trying to make some lifestyle changes. I am not without something to do. It's just that it will really be without my son for many of the hours of the day. That kind of freaks me out! I'm going to miss Blaise all day. I'm really happy for him. I'm really excited about the fun and learning he's going to get each day, but I'm also a little sad and will be a little lonely.

Maybe it's time for Mommy to grow up?!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Pretty and shiny jet black, blue black, hair

I love my hair black! I look back at pictures of my childhood when I had this thick jet black hair with jealousy and longing. Over the years, through the relaxers and the dye jobs, I have ended up with mousy brown hair. Yuck! So the other day, I dyed my hair blue black! Love it! Immediately it looked healthier and shinier. It's stunning! I'm proud. Even had a very attractive boy comment on it in passing. Very attractive boy. Although very young attractive boy. I have shoes older than that very attractive boy, j/k. So here's more of this rebirth, blah, blah, blah. The new me, that really is just the old me shined up a bit. From a distance I'm working on new and improved, but close up I'll still give you the nice nasty so hard and quick it will cut you to the white meat! Again kidding because really I'm a nice person.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Weight Loss the MONSTER

I was talking to some friends, some professionals, and some other members of the overweight club the other day. We compared secrets, diets, prayers, and hopes. Then we came to the conclusion that none of that stuff works. This is really about changing our lifestyles. We have to be able to make good decisions about good foods. We have to learn when enough is enough. Listen to our body cues of fullness, thirst, and true hunger. We have to be smart about weight loss and life. I get that, but now I have to live it.

Embrace the gym, it is my friend! I enjoy working out, but I hate the workout afterwards. With "relaxed ethnic" hair, I have to wash, heavy condition because of the frequency of washing, blow dry, and flat iron. Then I moisturize and tie it up neatly in my silk scarf. This ensures I don't walk around looking like Buckwheat later. It's a lot of work! I have to motivate myself with a scale in the middle of my bathroom floor. I step on it a gazillion times a day. It's not what they tell you to do, but it reminds me of what I need to be doing!

So I focus on what that nice sweet man in the TLC special said about food and eating.

1. When you are hungry...EAT.
2. Eat what you want, not what you think you should eat.
3. Eat consciously.
4. When you are full...STOP!

I have added chug water like you're at a vegan frat party. This makes sense. Duh! It's not easy, but it makes sense. You eat what you want when you want, but with full focus. Savor every bite of your food. Eat it slowly, consciously, so you can hear your body cues. When you have had enough, stop.

I've made changes. I workout with full faith that I just have to show up, do the work, and the results will undoubtedly come. I binge on Subway instead of On the Border, lol, when I do binge. I cut out deep fried foods and sugary drinks. I drink and eat more consciously. I am proud that this time I feel like I'm doing this the right way. It's not going to be easy or quick, but when I get it down to a science it will stick!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." ~Henry Ford

I have failed, of course. Failure is a part of life. It's not focusing on the failure, but on the opportunity that we must be taught. That's one hell of a lesson. I want to find success in seeing the lesson even if I haven't applied it in my life in any way. If that's fair.

I have a considerable amount of failure. At times, I feel I failed on my entire life. I can't count many accomplishments. I am proud of who I am. I feel truly blessed. But, at the end of the day my accomplishments bucket is kind of low. I am still fighting the good fight for multiple degrees that I'm not sure I'm passionate about. It's called a sacrifice. I keep going back to the school for education because I need it, not always an issue of want. I work so hard at my business,, because it's my passion, but often I wonder if it's a failure. If it is, is this my opportunity to continue the changes I've been making or scrap the project and go a different direction. I hope it's not the latter.

The gist of things is that failure doesn't last. You may go to bed with rain, but it will pass through the night. You'll wake to sunshine and a rainbow in the distance. I promise. I am master of failure, getting back up, dusting myself off, and beginning again more intelligently. I am not afraid of failure, I will welcome it. If it gives me the chance to relive, redo, or rework any moment better. I will welcome it. It's the harsh word for guess, test, and revise. Failure and recovery = guess, test, and revise!

Monday, February 23, 2009

I appreciate this body

I was watching Oprah discuss her weight on a past show. She kept saying how much she appreciated her body. I was shocked. I was looking at her appreciate her body with it's new 40 pounds, thyroid issues, and post menopause like, what the hell? It took me so long to understand, even after she began explaining. I had to sit with her revelation for weeks. Now, I appreciate my body. It has taken such a licking to keep on ticking. I am a struggling smoker. I have given birth. I have punished my body for no reason, with diet, with intercourse, with activity. I have treated this temple like a cardboard box, but everyday it works so hard for me. It goes right when I want and left when I want. It gets me up and down. It guarantees my breath, my heart rate, my blood flow, and everything else without a reminder or coaxing. It makes everything possible for me, and never complains. So as a gift back to this body, I'm gonna try harder to kick smoking, workout harder, eat better, and cloth it in garments appropriate for how I feel about it. Because I appreciate this body.

So, instead of just looking at religion to appreciate my temple, I stepped back to see why. This body is dependable and consistent. It gives me clear signs of problems. It works harder for me than I could ever work for it. I love this body, even with its extra weight and imperfections. I love this body.