Holier than thou

So the other day Jackie Burkhart confessed to pushing men towards her own goals just to be disappointed later. I was watching reruns of That 70's Show. So, I thought about this. I stepped outside of myself and just focused on how women screw up relationships by demanding too little or too much.

Then today I was sitting with the neighbor girl talking about her love life. I was so holier than thou. I was giving her all my 28 year old wisdom, probably overwhelming her 19 year old brain. It was the standard. I'm sure someone had told me these things when I was young, dumb, and in love. Don't lose yourself in your boyfriend. In 6 months to a year this relationship will seem so trivial to you. Trust your instincts. If something seems wrong investigate, but only if it's worth it. Do not investigate like CSI just pay attention. Typically men aren't that interested in hiding anything well. Don't date anyone that's not at least your equal in terms of drive, dedication, and motivation. Do not settle for less than what you know you are worth having. If you don't know what you are worth having, ask a true friend. A true friend will tell you 100 times more than you initially thought. Don't take his crap! If he cannot respect you at all times, in all situations, let him go. Never fight for a man not worth fight for, it's tacky. Never, under any circumstances, have a physical altercation, it's low class.

So I'm sitting across from her, both of us sitting with our legs crossed. She's hanging on my every word, and I'm hanging on Jackie Burkhart's every word. Because, I need to hear myself better. I have been sacrificing, settling, and making excuses. I have only had half a man when I've had something to call a man. No more! I'm going to take my own advice. Because I give the best advice, ask anyone. But, my life has been topsy turvy because I've been sitting with my legs crossed acting holier than thou.

Reminising on young love

For whatever reason my mind travelled back to my 1st major relationship. His name was Steven. I would change the name to protect the innocent, but I'll just slip up and use his real name later. So what's the point? Steven was two years older than I was. When we met he'd just graduated high school and I was going into my Junior year. He was so handsome. He'd come by my job with a friend of his. I worked as a sales associate at the Buckle. We ended up exchanging numbers and were in a relationship quickly. It's funny but most of my romances are because a guy tells me I'm his girlfriend, lol.

So we had this 1st and 2nd base relationship. There was a lot of kissing, fondling, and hand holding. I was a virgin, and he hadn't earned my treats. So for a few months we had a great summer "thing," then he left for school in Florida. I was so upset. Then, he stopped returning my calls, cheated on me, and dumped me. I slipped into a deep depression and thought life was over. Well, that's extreme, but I was sad.

Then he'd return, I'd be on cloud nine, and he would let me down. He was running a game on a number of us silly girls trapped by his killer smile. Then the fall of my senior year I accidentally ran into his ex-girlfriend who wanted to beat my ass when she found out who I was. Turns out that the sweet Steven who loved me so much still loved her at the same time. Thank God for friends who realize there's only 6 degrees of separation, but don't tell you until you are separated. Eventually, I was done with the "love." I wanted to be his friend. Of course that didn't work out, and now I don't know if he's dead or alive. Funny, not whether he's dead or alive, but how things change...for the better, best!

Young love now makes me laugh. I say to young devastated girls all the time, within a year he won't even rank in your life. It took me a couple years with Steven, but still the same.

My Ideal Man must...

Right before going to class my on again, off again, relationship crashed and burned again! So while giving 50% of my attention to my professor I devised a list of the top qualities of my ideal man. Of course I have a long list of the physical attributes I'd love to look at and hug up to every day, but this is more about the personality qualities I need the man in my life to have.

1. CHARISMATIC - I love how appealing a charming man is.
2. DEPENDABLE- I need someone that I can count on.
3. LOYAL - A loyal man will not cheat, will remain trustworthy, and always be true
4. SPIRITUAL AND RELIGIOUS- To love me you must love God.
5. STRONG - I want a man physically, emotionally, and mentally strong.
6. STABLE - He must be mentally and emotionally stable.
7. FOCUSED - He must have an agenda that he is committed to.
8. INTELLIGENT - I need to be able to have a thought provoking conversation.
9. ROMANTIC - I'm a girly girl. I want to be wined and dined.
10. GOAL-ORIENTED - I need a man who can see past today and plan for tomorrow too.

My man is just my type...ugh!

I had a shocking revelation today. I mean so shocking I spent the next 30 minutes with extreme nausea. I seem to have a type of man. I just realized this. My man is African-American, light skinned, pretty, with perfect full lips, curly hair, football star's build, and an amazing smile. He has excellent sex. Yet, he is dumb as a box of rocks, emotionally unavailable, and the thought of him makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. He is typically the underdog.

Wow, my type is a very ridiculous! I mean I can see more of my self sabotage everyday.

This all began because I wanted to try again with my most current underdog, P. Wait, to rewind even further this is me. I love to be loved, but I hate to feel the slightest bit of suffocation. I like to talk on the phone and text, but I need my space. I need my space everyday during my wind down at least. Don't send me lots of cards and flowers. Buy me things that are me specific and remember actions speak louder than words. I do love to get all dolled up and go out on the town, but I am far more impressed with a dinner prepared for me and an evening designed around me. I'm an easy girl to work with. You have to really try to screw up to screw up. I am underdog motivated, how high have my expectation really been? That brings me to P. P is MIA quite often. He's so absent I forget he exists. That's another thing, I am a creature of habit. If you don't become a part of my norm you will fall off my radar. When he is in existence it's as if we are having conversations with two different people. We don't seem to follow each other. We don't know each other. We haven't had enough quality constant time to determine if we even like each other as people, but we've been doing this date dance on and off for 3 years.

He falls off for a few days then he is so desperate for me again. Nope, I don't think he's seeing someone else. Nope, I don't think he's gay or a gigolo. I think he's just that clueless about relationships, and that self fish, that he thinks I should be happy with whatever crumb of him I get. LMAO! I really believe this. He gets to go live his life uninterrupted. He contacts me with all the sweetness he can muster when it's convenient for him. Ahhh, bullshit. This is just becoming obvious to me, sad. I mean I don't even think about him much either because when he falls off my radar he falls off completely. I'm a single mother, business owner, student, if you don't stay present in my life you really will get lost in the shuffle.

Now P is the new D. I dated D more than once, more than twice. D and I were always dating again because we had never gotten closure the time before. D is physically P, or P is physically D. They have the exact same features down to the curl pattern in their hair. They are both incredibly handsome men. They are also both idiots. At least D and I had stimulating conversation and often. He was just dumb in general relationship areas. One of those don't date anyone else type of men, because when he figures out what and who he wants to really be involved with it might just end up being you. But you were only going to get the shell of a relationship from him. Yep, that was D. Also, D was clocked out on life. He was living off what bad decision had led him to this place and why that made him sad. He was working a job he hated. He was caught up in someone else's family and someone else's life. The guy that just lives vicariously through his older brother, goes with his family on trips, dinners, events. The attached third wheel or unwanted sidecar. I mean they didn't mind, I don't think, but I did. Why don't any of your weekend stories have just you, or you and your friends, or just you and me in them? Your stories are you, your brother, his wife, their kids, and their kids' friends.

So D and I just fizzled out finally at some point. One of us stopped returning the other's calls and the other didn't noticed until a phone number had changed. It wasn't explosive and angry, it was time for a change and we didn't fight it. P and I are here too. We have known each other for years now, somewhere between 3 and 5. It has no potential to get better. We are just holding on because we tried so long to hook up and it was never convenient for us both at the same time. We finally got to each other. We thought this was what we wanted. We were sure we would be perfect for each other if we could just hook up. We were wrong. Now we're punishing each other for it.

Underdog, I will take you as you are!

Why am I either attracting or attracted to the underdog? This cannot be healthy.

It seems that I continue to take on the guy down on his luck, clocked out on life, w/o goals or ambition, or the chronic victim. This is a very unhealthy problem. I don't know why I end up in this cycle.

I have an odd, unintentional, obsession with the underdog. I don't seem to meet any really outstanding men. I mean I want to meet a man who I am so impressed by I accidentally put my elbow in my plate during dinner. I want someone who reads me between my lines and can draw the right conclusion. Where is he? Instead I end up being approached by the man who is wanting to impress me with a conversation about his sexual conquests, ex-girlfriends, or high school accomplishments. Seriously? For real, for real? The man who is so wrapped up in himself that if I passed out dead in the middle of our date, it could be hours before he even noticed. This man is multiplying quickly and stalking me.

I'm being hit from every direction with the many date-this-way books. I feel like I've read them all at this point. Don't give up your power. I know. Don't think you have to give up too much of yourself to be valued. I know. Don't lose yourself in a man. I know. Be a part of my own plan to realize when I am a part of a positive plan with a man. I know. Don't think I have to settle. I know. Have a reasonable list of wants. I know. I want to go to an eatery with cloth napkins, not paper ones. I know. I know. I know.

I super know, that I'm tired of reading and listening. Dammit, talk to these foolish men. Motivate them to stop being the underdog. Write them a book, or read them a few chapters of the book you wrote for me. Because I keep breaking all the rules because I'm discouraged. My well learned methods don't seem to be working. Either they are wearing me down or too many of them are on to these methods.

Teach these losers how to be winners, please.

There is a man that I adore

There is a man that I do like. I've written on this topic before. I've written on this man before because he still exists and puzzles me! I do like him though, but work for ever ending happiness with him...NEVER. It shouldn't be this freaking hard. And, and, why does he quickly realize when I'm pulling away and snatch my ass back in.

Tonight he called and started the conversation with, "who's the new man in your life?" I mean it was so very very Big and Carrie Bradshaw. But he's not Mr. Big and I am no Carrie Bradshaw, not even on my most fashionable and emotionally frazzled day. So, I responded to that odd question with "huh? Hello?" Then our conversation progressed and got us both on the same page quickly. He told me that he's upset because I haven't been consistent about the things I asked him to be consistent about. I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but a relationship means I get to talk with you everyday like a crazy person. I text you continuously and you reply immediately. I like that. I want that. I think that's okay. I AM A COMMUNICATOR! He rather see your face than just hear your voice. He doesn't talk to anyone everyday. Doesn't texting = calling? He cares about me, just me. He wants me. Really?

I say how much do you know me? How much do you want to know me? How many random questions about me could you answer? How much are you passionate about the woman I am? Because, I really think you like my face and the potential to push said face into a pillow while you have your way with me. It's just what I was thinking though. And now, Steve Harvey has this no nonsense book that confirms what I think, but have carefully hidden away. Steve Harvey agrees that it doesn't matter just how handsome and sexy he is or how safe and comfortable he can make me feel, he's just not my guy. DAMMIT!

So against Steve Harvey I will continue to keep this man. I will adore this man. I will like this man. But, I will only give this man as much as he gives me. I will not call him everyday like a crazy person. I will not play relationship with someone who is obviously just planning to be my friend. Because at the end of the day he does legitimately care for me, but not enough. Not even near enough for me to live happily ever after.

Soul mate, seriously?

Soul mate. What does this really mean? There's supposedly one person out there in the world that's perfect for me. This news is depressing. I live in Texas. What if my soul mate just boarded a plane to London for the next fiftyleven years? Or is fighting in Iraq? Or is happily running a ranch somewhere North of right here right now? I just think this soul mate crap could be devastating. If there's any truth to this, it is devastating. Because if there's just one person out there for me, we may not be scheduled to meet for 30 years. So, I'm supposed to be single and in waiting for the next however long? Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the freedom single is allowing me today, but this may be a lonely life tomorrow. I don't want to do this forever. I just want to do this until I get everything else in life all lined out.

Bringing about another point, you cannot want for something you cannot offer. Example, I had a rule that I didn't date men with children, until I had a child. Now that I have and adore my own child, I can merely put a limit on number, but not on having at least one child. You can't not ask something of someone that you aren't willing to either provide or can live up to yourself. I want my next relationship to be with a man who is financially independent and stable. Someone who has there life mapped out for the next 20 or so years. I want a man who has clear obtainable goals and a possibility wish list. I want emotionally available, grounded, trustworthy, and balanced. I am accomplished in some, but not all. I'm working on some, but not all. Hell, some stuff is just sitting comfortably on the back burner. Because of this, I cannot force a man to be all of the things I want him to be. To date me you have to be equal to me or greater. I refuse to take care of anyone other than my son. And, I make sure I look at this as a vice versa situation.

So soul mates could be ideal, if I can control it. If he can be right on time, when I specify the time, I'm all in. Since it doesn't work like that, I'm going to file this one with Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny until I'm proven wrong.

I like boys, today at least, and I have a boyfriend

Wow, at some point in the last few days I acquired a boyfriend. Yes, a boyfriend. This post following my last probably would have mouths and eyes wide open. Completely shocked.

I've been playing text message and phone dating with a dear sweet boy from my past. We were never single at the same time. We were never interested, available, willing, or excited at the same time. Then he popped up out of no where just as I was dusting myself off from my last debacle. No worries, I'd had just enough time to not be angry or the bitter black woman. He's talkative, attractive, sincere, and slightly, really, jealous...all the things I like in boys. I fit in him, and vice versa, when we hug. I feel safe and comfortable with him. I think he may be a great passage in my life, however can't count on him being a landing strip this early in the game.

Now with all this good there is some bad. He's terrific, yes, but we have our issues! He's not the greatest communicator. We're at least 175 miles apart. He's super face to face, but for him way more than me, texting and calling get to be a little much. He will always respond, but can take 24-48 hours to initiate if I do not. I'm a call every 15 minutes type, tell you everything type, and just hold the phone type. He says I need another girl-friend, lol. He says he's just not that guy. Is that okay? Could I hold this against him? And, he's a tadbit selffish, in the me do with him in mind, and he do with him in mind kind of way. What about me? Don't know if this is temporary until he gets back into the girlfriend/boyfriend swing of things or if it is what it is.

I like this man. I like this man a whole lot. I want to believe this man could maybe, possibly, be the man, at least for the next while, or so. Because I do like this man. He could certainly be the perfect man for me, if he's the perfect man for me. Either way, I'm gonna ride this wave into shore...hopefully it's an exciting, yet smooth, and incredibly long ride.

Man bashing!

I was sitting at a dinner table tonight wondering how in the world I have ended up in so much drama. I mean, I mind mine. I don't mingle in the world much. I keep my focus on my own business. Yet, I continue to find myself in these drama filled situations. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I'm picking the idiot man that needs drama and bullshit to feel cared for. Then when I don't dish it out he creates it. Why can't I just be your quiet no drama filled friend, with the possibility of benefits? Why must we have to break up daily, compete for each others attention, and argue through text messaging? Why when I'm trying to be the bigger person and avoid the shit, you say what's guaranteed to pull me back in? Why? Why do adult relationships have to be so fucking hard? I mean I'm not husband shopping, boyfriend shopping, and love is a dirty word. How do I have drama?
Also, while I'm man bashing, let me tell all the boys out there if a woman doesn't say you are amazing in any regard it's not to be assumed. Quietly, I have laughed at you, while you built yourself higher than your worth on a variety of topics.

I hate boys, today at least.

Okay, I am frustrated. I am wondering why it is some people can grow down. It's the mysterious case of all the men in my life, play on that B.Pitt movie. Why is it that men think I am waiting for them to sweep in and save me? Seriously, if I needed to be saved I would not be counting on your irrational, unpredictable, asses! Believe that.

Now it's time for the what had happened was. I was dating this guy for a few months or so. We were dating without titles, both realizing we weren't ready for a relationship. He was pretty fresh out of a relationship, and I'm just not ready for the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet. Early on I realized we weren't compatible. He was dating me for kindness and sex, and I was dating him for recreation. We didn't have thought provoking conversations, mind blowing intercourse, or a general great time. It was what it was, two people who enjoyed each other just enough to not walk away from each other. Then he went crazy. It was very unfortunate. He started showing most of his ass, and I got over it! We had a quiet, adult, discussion. He had grown on me enough that I didn't want to lose him. Then he showed his ass again. I was done, not really. We took a break, and when I was over my part of the break I tried to call him. No answer. I thought he was probably still upset. In our disagreements I told him I was no longer interested in sleeping with him. I just wanted to focus on redefining our friendship and nothing more. He didn't like it, but seriously, what could he do? Absolutely nothing. So anyway days, a week, whatever after I wrote his ass off as a mistake never to be mentioned again, he calls. He leaves me a message about how he's met someone, and I just don't fit in his life anymore. Huh? I was irrate. I'm not trying to date you. I don't want your sex. I don't need you in my life, BUT that's my decision to make. I'd already written your tired ass off, why are your coming around now? Anyway though screw you! I was there when you were shit out of luck, feeling down in the dumps, and wondering what life would be like without you. I fed you when you were hungry, once, but still I did. I was your friend. You shit on me, you ridiculous moron. I break this, you don't. So I called, showed my whole ass, adultlike using big words. Then I was done. I can't believe this type of behavior comes from adults!? It's like going into a women's bathroom and it looks as if it's been used by potty training little boys. That kind of stuff confuses me terribly!

Then boy 2. Yes, I had double drama today. I text a boy I'd been crushing on. He immediately though crush meant date you. NO! I don't date my crushes because I build you up higher than you can reach. So he listed the many reasons why I want him, but shouldn't have him. I'll be taken advantage of, hurt, devestated. Huh? You don't have any great possessions I should be chasing after. Cute, you are. Soul stirring, you are not. Listen fella, you just killed my crush.

If it wasn't for my serious attraction to them, I would be done with boys. They really are icky, mentally at least.

Is everyone else in love?

I've been having these long talks with a few girlfriends about love. Is love even worth it? The commitment it takes to allow someone to have that much of you is more than most of us can handle. You are allowing them and their drama, troubles, and skeletons into your life. You are opening yourself up to all they have to offer and need to terminate. Is that worth it? I agree it's nice to have another body in bed, constant movie and dinner companion, and someone to kill the bugs and take out the trash. BUT, I look at the drama I've been in since returning to this area. The man pool is shallow and they know it. I have been bored, lied to, cheated on, harassed, and annoyed. They don't have to be handsome, entertaining, gentleman, because the pool is shallow and they know it!!! So I think I'm gonna be off men. I think I'm going to give up on making something work in hopes that eventually something will just work. Ignoring sex, because lets be honest, there's no sex out there good enough to excuse bullshit! I'm just gonna clock out for a while. In this time I'll rework my list of requirements, or hopes and dreams, and make sure that I'm not asking for anything I cannot supply. So to everyone out there living hopelessly in love, congrats and I hope it doesn't bite you square in the ass!

LOVE?

You know what's funny, I watch these dramatic shows during primetime and I focus on the love part not the drama part? What does that mean? I know that love is a HUGE part of my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my God, and I love my kiddo. That's in no particular order. I don't know if the partnership love is missing in my life right now or not. Am I just over analyzing the lovey dovey part of my personality? Of course everyone is looking for everlasting unconditional love, but I haven't had a place for it in my life in years. Is my life craving it? Or am I just tired as all hell and stressed? Don't know. I do know that I can't handle love or a relationship that I have to work at or for. I don't have the energy to coax an ego or to go the distance in a misunderstanding. I feel like relationships are beyond me, but are they?

What emotion is this?

Sometimes it’s hard to determine what the emotion tied to a relationship is. Do you honestly love or enjoy someone? Are you just lonely? Are you attracted to the drama or whatever outside "blah" the relationship brings with it? I’ve been trying to figure this out in a number of my relationships lately. Sometimes it’s an easy choice, but other times it’s as if they all blur together. It’s been said that relationships aren’t supposed to be hard, but I can’t seem to find an easy one.
This all started the other day when I analyzed the first of many relationships I’d be working on. I called a good friend of mine to discuss some man problems, and we discussed these questions. With the lack of quality men in the area, or the lack of quality men I’m finding, it’s valid. Do I really care for this man, outside of our friendship, or am I competing for his affection? What exactly am I doing in this "relationship?" My feelings are genuine, I’m certain, I think, but that’s sometimes irrelevant or just not enough.
The heart of this is because I no longer date for sport, is this a relationship that I can really see going the ultimate distance? I must figure it out soon, because I have exceeded the indecisive playing age!