Saturday, May 16, 2009

Emotional island, renters wanted

I am emotionally standing on an island all alone. I've been on this island my entire life. I don't even know any other way. I am emotionally dependent on myself. I came by this the hard way. I would lean on other people and they let me fall. So, I count on me. I depend on me. I rely on me. Emotionally, I stand on an island all alone. But, it's getting damn lonely and cold out here.

I think this self reliance dates back to my childhood. I think it has also set me up to fail. My parents are such individual people. We don't have a family. Actually it's more appropriate to say we are not a family unit. My mother is on her on island where she's an amazing career woman and pillar in the community. My father is on his own island where he's just doing him. He has a farm and friends and stuff. He has his own life. My brother is that in name. We have so little to do with each other that we probably wouldn't know each other from a description alone. My sister is a great woman who makes room for me in her life knowing I don't really belong. I can appreciate who my family is, but I don't have to like it...right?

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my independence. I am thankful for the strength these relationships have given me. But, it is beginning to suck. I had been dating this guy who was for the most part, self fish, insecure, immature, and ridiculously demanding. I didn't give in to his crap. I didn't entertain him at all. I was dating him for recreation more than anything else. Then a playful comment I made was taken the wrong way. We were texting, and I forgot my dark humor was often lost on him. He went left. He criticized me to death. I was every awful word known to man. I was reliving conversations with my son's father. I remained calm. I didn't bash him for being unemployed, broke, living with only a metal futon and hand me down bed, nothing about his lack of education or drive. I see all those things as obvious to him. Just like me being overweight and knocked around by life. No one wants to be reminded of life gone bad, not even in anger. Too bad he doesn't agree. I got my feelings hurt, again by another man not worth it. But, I never reduced myself to his shit...until I just typed it in this blog, lol. I stayed strong. Now the point is, I never mentioned this until now.

A big reason for this is that when I call a friend to discuss a hard time they tend to monopolize the conversation with bullshit. Or, I call and listen to them have a conversation with someone else in the background. Or, I call and they don't answer and by the time they call back I've worked it out on my own. Or, I call and they disregard my stuff. Or, I call and I am reminded that some people don't listen, they wait to talk. If you ever see this in yourself, STOP it will ruin your relationships. Not to stand here patting myself on the back, but I think I may have out matured a number of my friends...maybe.

I do not trust even my friends with major information in my life. Because what I have learned is you cannot rely on people. You just cannot. A secret is not a secret when you tell one person. And, undoubtedly people will use everything against you if they see the opportunity to hurt you or get ahead. I believe this. I believe that I spend my life on this island because although cold and lonely it's safe here.

So what happens to me? I have already decided that marriage is not an option. At least not in this life time. Maybe this will change, but as of now...NO WAY! I just can't keep giving me to be mistreated or misused. Because at the end of the day, I don't have anyone else worthy or trusted enough to help me out of that pinch.

I think that's why I blog. It's therapeutic. It's exactly what I need to manage this issue. Because although I appreciate the comments and the readers, you cannot judge me, use anything against me, or hurt me. And, I love you for that!!!

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