Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Journey to Thirty #3 - Realization: Mutilation

"Self mutilation is a broad term for a "complex group of behaviors" resulting in destruction of one's own tissue. These behaviors, including scratching, burning or cutting the skin, pulling out hair, breaking bones, amputation, etc..." http://answers.yahoo.com/
I scratched the surface of my self until I was almost destroyed. I burned my self esteem. I allowed others to cut me deep. My stress level had my hair falling out. I was broken, and I'm sure amputation was around the corner. I'd put myself in situations and relationships that I knew I was better than. I continuously mutilated who I was. I had no depth. I molded myself to be who ever someone else needed me to be from 19 or 20 until I was about 25. I was a good daughter. I was a great girlfriend. I was the perfect friend. I spoke when it was appropriate and always said just the right thing. I did what should be done and smiled the entire time. I was perfect in any situation, but I don't think I had much of my own personality. That set me up for failure in every avenue of my life.
I began to realize, as my relationships crumbled, that it's hard for people to accept drastic change. I can sympathize though. I went from yes, okay, whatever you want, sure I will do it, and damn near kissing feet, to having a real backbone. I began to develop my own personality and stopped mirroring huge portions of someone else's. I stopped being a chameleon, and started being myself. People dropped like flies. Some dropped off, but others I walked away from when I saw our compatibility die.
Popularity meant a lot to me once. The older I get the more I appreciate my alone time. I don't want to become a recluse, but I do want to wait out quality compatible relationships. I know what I desire from friends and romance. Well, the surface level is determined. I still have a lot of learning and work to build concrete relationships. One thing I do know is that if I can't have the perfect fit, I rather not have the relationship at all.

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