Okay it's happened, I'm over the single life

Well being over the single life is only half true. I want an option to the single life. I want half a boyfriend. I need a guaranteed date, someone to take out the trash, kill the bugs, and hold me at night. I don't want anyone who will infringe upon my freedom. I don't want to have to answer to anyone about anything either. I just want half a boyfriend. Do they sell them like that?

I figured this out the last time I laid in some one's arms. I was like, WOW I like this. Then shortly after he questioned where I was going and why. I was like, WOW I'm over this. How do I find the right blend?

I say all of this right after being happy that my last 50% of a relationship ended. It just wasn't the right 50% of a relationship. It was two people too satisfied to give just a little bit of ourselves. I don't think either of us were in it. It comes back to the fight we put in for our relationship. We were both finally single and emotionally available at the same time. We see it crashing and burning, but refuse to give up after the work to get there in the first place. It's punishment.

I think I want what I know I shouldn't aspire to have. Outside of the obvious ridiculousness of half a boyfriend, I am stuck in rose colored glasses. I want someone to give me 100% and be okay with me just offering up a wavering 50%. The man who would be okay with this isn't really the man I want in the first place.

Also, I have a crush. I have a crush on a man who has no idea I have a crush on him. He knows I exist and we have convo, but he doesn't know about my crush. I'm obsessed with how creative he is, how handsome he is, and how cool he is. I'm turned off that he's physically my destructive type. I am doing this unconsciously, lol.

So the real question is do I really want a relationship, a half boyfriend, or do I just want my crush? Hmmm...