Saturday, April 4, 2009

My man is just my type...ugh!

I had a shocking revelation today. I mean so shocking I spent the next 30 minutes with extreme nausea. I seem to have a type of man. I just realized this. My man is African-American, light skinned, pretty, with perfect full lips, curly hair, football star's build, and an amazing smile. He has excellent sex. Yet, he is dumb as a box of rocks, emotionally unavailable, and the thought of him makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. He is typically the underdog.

Wow, my type is a very ridiculous! I mean I can see more of my self sabotage everyday.

This all began because I wanted to try again with my most current underdog, P. Wait, to rewind even further this is me. I love to be loved, but I hate to feel the slightest bit of suffocation. I like to talk on the phone and text, but I need my space. I need my space everyday during my wind down at least. Don't send me lots of cards and flowers. Buy me things that are me specific and remember actions speak louder than words. I do love to get all dolled up and go out on the town, but I am far more impressed with a dinner prepared for me and an evening designed around me. I'm an easy girl to work with. You have to really try to screw up to screw up. I am underdog motivated, how high have my expectation really been? That brings me to P. P is MIA quite often. He's so absent I forget he exists. That's another thing, I am a creature of habit. If you don't become a part of my norm you will fall off my radar. When he is in existence it's as if we are having conversations with two different people. We don't seem to follow each other. We don't know each other. We haven't had enough quality constant time to determine if we even like each other as people, but we've been doing this date dance on and off for 3 years.

He falls off for a few days then he is so desperate for me again. Nope, I don't think he's seeing someone else. Nope, I don't think he's gay or a gigolo. I think he's just that clueless about relationships, and that self fish, that he thinks I should be happy with whatever crumb of him I get. LMAO! I really believe this. He gets to go live his life uninterrupted. He contacts me with all the sweetness he can muster when it's convenient for him. Ahhh, bullshit. This is just becoming obvious to me, sad. I mean I don't even think about him much either because when he falls off my radar he falls off completely. I'm a single mother, business owner, student, if you don't stay present in my life you really will get lost in the shuffle.

Now P is the new D. I dated D more than once, more than twice. D and I were always dating again because we had never gotten closure the time before. D is physically P, or P is physically D. They have the exact same features down to the curl pattern in their hair. They are both incredibly handsome men. They are also both idiots. At least D and I had stimulating conversation and often. He was just dumb in general relationship areas. One of those don't date anyone else type of men, because when he figures out what and who he wants to really be involved with it might just end up being you. But you were only going to get the shell of a relationship from him. Yep, that was D. Also, D was clocked out on life. He was living off what bad decision had led him to this place and why that made him sad. He was working a job he hated. He was caught up in someone else's family and someone else's life. The guy that just lives vicariously through his older brother, goes with his family on trips, dinners, events. The attached third wheel or unwanted sidecar. I mean they didn't mind, I don't think, but I did. Why don't any of your weekend stories have just you, or you and your friends, or just you and me in them? Your stories are you, your brother, his wife, their kids, and their kids' friends.

So D and I just fizzled out finally at some point. One of us stopped returning the other's calls and the other didn't noticed until a phone number had changed. It wasn't explosive and angry, it was time for a change and we didn't fight it. P and I are here too. We have known each other for years now, somewhere between 3 and 5. It has no potential to get better. We are just holding on because we tried so long to hook up and it was never convenient for us both at the same time. We finally got to each other. We thought this was what we wanted. We were sure we would be perfect for each other if we could just hook up. We were wrong. Now we're punishing each other for it.

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