Underdog, I will take you as you are!

Why am I either attracting or attracted to the underdog? This cannot be healthy.

It seems that I continue to take on the guy down on his luck, clocked out on life, w/o goals or ambition, or the chronic victim. This is a very unhealthy problem. I don't know why I end up in this cycle.

I have an odd, unintentional, obsession with the underdog. I don't seem to meet any really outstanding men. I mean I want to meet a man who I am so impressed by I accidentally put my elbow in my plate during dinner. I want someone who reads me between my lines and can draw the right conclusion. Where is he? Instead I end up being approached by the man who is wanting to impress me with a conversation about his sexual conquests, ex-girlfriends, or high school accomplishments. Seriously? For real, for real? The man who is so wrapped up in himself that if I passed out dead in the middle of our date, it could be hours before he even noticed. This man is multiplying quickly and stalking me.

I'm being hit from every direction with the many date-this-way books. I feel like I've read them all at this point. Don't give up your power. I know. Don't think you have to give up too much of yourself to be valued. I know. Don't lose yourself in a man. I know. Be a part of my own plan to realize when I am a part of a positive plan with a man. I know. Don't think I have to settle. I know. Have a reasonable list of wants. I know. I want to go to an eatery with cloth napkins, not paper ones. I know. I know. I know.

I super know, that I'm tired of reading and listening. Dammit, talk to these foolish men. Motivate them to stop being the underdog. Write them a book, or read them a few chapters of the book you wrote for me. Because I keep breaking all the rules because I'm discouraged. My well learned methods don't seem to be working. Either they are wearing me down or too many of them are on to these methods.

Teach these losers how to be winners, please.

There is a man that I adore

There is a man that I do like. I've written on this topic before. I've written on this man before because he still exists and puzzles me! I do like him though, but work for ever ending happiness with him...NEVER. It shouldn't be this freaking hard. And, and, why does he quickly realize when I'm pulling away and snatch my ass back in.

Tonight he called and started the conversation with, "who's the new man in your life?" I mean it was so very very Big and Carrie Bradshaw. But he's not Mr. Big and I am no Carrie Bradshaw, not even on my most fashionable and emotionally frazzled day. So, I responded to that odd question with "huh? Hello?" Then our conversation progressed and got us both on the same page quickly. He told me that he's upset because I haven't been consistent about the things I asked him to be consistent about. I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but a relationship means I get to talk with you everyday like a crazy person. I text you continuously and you reply immediately. I like that. I want that. I think that's okay. I AM A COMMUNICATOR! He rather see your face than just hear your voice. He doesn't talk to anyone everyday. Doesn't texting = calling? He cares about me, just me. He wants me. Really?

I say how much do you know me? How much do you want to know me? How many random questions about me could you answer? How much are you passionate about the woman I am? Because, I really think you like my face and the potential to push said face into a pillow while you have your way with me. It's just what I was thinking though. And now, Steve Harvey has this no nonsense book that confirms what I think, but have carefully hidden away. Steve Harvey agrees that it doesn't matter just how handsome and sexy he is or how safe and comfortable he can make me feel, he's just not my guy. DAMMIT!

So against Steve Harvey I will continue to keep this man. I will adore this man. I will like this man. But, I will only give this man as much as he gives me. I will not call him everyday like a crazy person. I will not play relationship with someone who is obviously just planning to be my friend. Because at the end of the day he does legitimately care for me, but not enough. Not even near enough for me to live happily ever after.

What a difference 10 years makes!

I'm quickly approaching my 10 year reunion. It always seemed so far off. It always seemed like I had plenty of time. It's here, and it came incredibly fast. I have mixed emotions about my reunion. I mean at the end of the day these aren't all people I was giddy about. This wasn't a group of people I really felt I belonged to. I remember being apprehensive as every year passed, wondering how I'd feel about being stuck with just my class.

They are an amazing and accomplished group of people. People who have gone on to do drastically different things. Everyone seems happy and settled. Congrats. But, I just didn't feel like I belonged in their group. Maybe it's because I was one of the only 4 or 5 black students in this class? Maybe it was because most of the things I did during my K-12, I was the first black student to ever do. That's something I just don't want to revisit. I don't want to be odd or a token. I think I just want this reunion to hurry and come so it can hurry and go. I think I just want to ignore its existence much like I ignored the first round.

Also, I think I am just hitting my stride. I am now making major decisions and seeing major progress. I don't want to define myself by the last 10 years. I want to define myself over the next 5.

I AM SAD

One horrible situation keeps progressing and effecting everything and everyone. Can we just get a miracle and a break?

ALIAS

It's very unfortunate, but my former alias is gone. I am no longer Ms. Tameka Foster to the boys, and/or girls, I lie to. From this point on I will be me. Well until I think up something new and better, lol!

If I could be taller by doing that, I would just be short

Do you know how much taller I'd be if I stood on top of someone else? Really tall, but really lonely and awkward. How many people would want to be the close personal hang out friend of someone between 10' and 11' tall? And, the loneliness would be awful. If I stood on someone else to guarantee I be on a pedestal who would ever trust me again?

So that brings us to the real. I have spent the last few days being stepped on by someone close to me. Every opportunity this person gets they throw me under the bus in an effort to make themselves look better. It doesn't matter if I am competing with them for something or sitting quietly in a back corner reading a book. It is inevitable, my name will be dropped, and dropped hard. WTF! Leave me alone. I want it to stop.

The funny thing about it all was it took someone else to point it out. They pulled me aside and asked me if I though it appropriate I be treated like this. I never noticed it before. That relationship is so strained and difficult I just go with the flow. I take the public assault with thanksgiving that it's not a private over the top bitch fest. Am I kidding myself? Is this relationship just that toxic? This has been occurring for the past 10 years, ever since I didn't fulfill their expectations and broke away from their control. Again, I like who I am. Screw you.

So for anyone out there using someone else to get a few feet on their height, STOP! They should figure out what is so screwed up in their lives that they need to pull other people deep into their shit. Congrats on your accomplishments, but they must not be keeping you warm at night. They must not be feeding your hunger. They aren't giving you something you need and you hate me for it.

It's me o'clock

Today is not enough for me! This place, location and moment in time, are not enough for me! I think my sedentary mentality has been my downfall. Look at where the world is! Global anything is attainable! I have no outside limitations that I cannot get past. So, now is the time to change my place in life. Right now!

That's scary, but if I don't take hold of my destiny life is going to pass me by. I'm not going to look back over my life with regrets. I will not have regrets. I refuse. I will shake things up. I will be a force!

I am a passionate, beautiful, talented woman. I typically never compliment myself. I praise my company, my child, and the energies around me, but seldom to I just praise myself. That stops now! Because at the end of the day I do think highly of myself. I am full of faults, but I'm not all bad. I am so many amazing things and realistic about both my pros and cons. So again, I'm having realizations and making my time now!

Time to review your top 5!

"You can OFTEN tell how far your LIFE and CAREER will go based on the 5 people that you spend the MOST time with."
-Will Smith

"Fashion? Fashion is..." they said. (QUOTES)

"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
—Coco Chanel

"The difference between style and fashion is quality."
-Giorgio Armani

"I don't do fashion, I am fashion."
-Coco Chanel

"Elegance is a question of personality, more than one's clothing."
-Jean-Paul Gaultier

"Style is primarily a matter of instinct."
-Bill Blass

"Chanel is composed of only a few elements, white camellias, quilted bags and Austrian doorman's jackets, pearls, chains, shoes with black toes. I use these elements like notes to play with."
-Karl Lagerfeld

"Art produces ugly things which frequently become beautiful with time. Fashion, on the other hand, produces beautiful things which always become ugly with time."
-Jean Cocteau

"Beauty of style and harmony and grace and good rhythm depend on simplicity."
-Plato

"Fashion is made to become unfashionable."
-Coco Chanel

"We live not according to reason, but according to fashion."
-Seneca

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
-Mark Twain

"The expression a woman wears on her face is more important than the clothes she wears on her back."
-Dale Carnegie

"Fashion condemns us to many follies; the greatest is to make ourselves its slave."
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"While clothes may not make the woman, they certainly have a strong effect on her self-confidence - which, I believe, does make the woman."
-Mary Kay Ashe

"Above all, remember that the most important thing you can take anywhere is not a Gucci bag or French-cut jeans; it's an open mind.Gail Rubin Bereny

"I've always thought of the T-shirt as the Alpha and Omega of the fashion alphabet."
-Giorgio Armani

"I dress for the image. Not for myself, not for the public, not for fashion, not for men."
-Marlene Dietrich

"Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women."
-Elsa Schiaparelli

"Fashions fade, style is eternal."
-Yves Saint Laurent

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening."
-Coco Chanel

"Jeans represent democracy in fashion."
-Giorgio Armani

"The well-dressed man is he whose clothes you never notice."
-W. Somerset Maugham

Yes, still obsessed with ribbon wrapped bracelets!

Yes, I am obsessed with ribbon wrap bracelets!

'Net Networking

So I'm blogging with friends at a couple small business networking sites. We are looking for new fantastic ways to market and advertise ourselves. It is so important to get the word out. I've been asking for advice, and now I am taking that advice and making a move. I am ACTIVELY involved with about 2 gazillion networking sites. Actively was the missing link before. I love my product. I believe so strongly in my product, but everyone else doesn't. It's not a matter of anxiety, a bad experience, or any other negativity. It's simply most people don't know that my product exists. Now, I can't continue to rely on my virtually unknown product, or business, to just sell itself. I need to do far more grunt work! Far more grunt work! So, I belong to as many sites as I can effectively manage, and I have been staying active. I tweet on Twitter, and the proof is at http://twitter.com/LeandreaLarry. I will stay loyal to Myspace, http://myspace.com/blaisedENVY. Then there's my Etsy site that started it all, http://blaisedenvy.etsy.com/. I also maintain profiles at http://mycraft.com/, http://etsyaoc.ning.com/, and http://etsylove.ning.com/.

I think and equally exciting part about joining these sites, is that right now they supply me with as much or more knowledge as exposure. That's just as important to me right now too, because I realize there's still so much I need to learn to grow. I can now officially recommend that everyone try this their own way. I got this advice and it has been more valuable than the right wire to string with.

Soul mate, seriously?

Soul mate. What does this really mean? There's supposedly one person out there in the world that's perfect for me. This news is depressing. I live in Texas. What if my soul mate just boarded a plane to London for the next fiftyleven years? Or is fighting in Iraq? Or is happily running a ranch somewhere North of right here right now? I just think this soul mate crap could be devastating. If there's any truth to this, it is devastating. Because if there's just one person out there for me, we may not be scheduled to meet for 30 years. So, I'm supposed to be single and in waiting for the next however long? Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the freedom single is allowing me today, but this may be a lonely life tomorrow. I don't want to do this forever. I just want to do this until I get everything else in life all lined out.

Bringing about another point, you cannot want for something you cannot offer. Example, I had a rule that I didn't date men with children, until I had a child. Now that I have and adore my own child, I can merely put a limit on number, but not on having at least one child. You can't not ask something of someone that you aren't willing to either provide or can live up to yourself. I want my next relationship to be with a man who is financially independent and stable. Someone who has there life mapped out for the next 20 or so years. I want a man who has clear obtainable goals and a possibility wish list. I want emotionally available, grounded, trustworthy, and balanced. I am accomplished in some, but not all. I'm working on some, but not all. Hell, some stuff is just sitting comfortably on the back burner. Because of this, I cannot force a man to be all of the things I want him to be. To date me you have to be equal to me or greater. I refuse to take care of anyone other than my son. And, I make sure I look at this as a vice versa situation.

So soul mates could be ideal, if I can control it. If he can be right on time, when I specify the time, I'm all in. Since it doesn't work like that, I'm going to file this one with Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny until I'm proven wrong.

If 30 is the new 20, will I have to do all of this again?

I am tiptoeing out of my 20s far too fast. I was looking in Ebony at the young movers and shakers today, and I realized I am older than most of them. Wow, where did my youth go? This pulls me back into my failure blog. I haven't accomplished enough to be looking at the ass end of my 20s yet. I am single, again, but I don't mind because I like it this time. I do have a perfect little boy, in my eyes. I am still finishing this degree, for the umpteenth time. BUT I do own a business that I spend most of the hours of the day working on. So my 20s have brought me motherhood and a business. I'm cool with that. The next two years need to slow way down and bring more successes to keep me cool on Jan. 24, 2011 though.



Wait if 30 is the new 20, I just get to do this all again. No need to worry, this is just my test run! I really take that to mean this is my guess, check and revise. Which I am thankful for. They say you don't get a second chance at life, but maybe you do at the post teen years. I have learned so much in these past 8 years. I have done many things I'm not proud of, and I have lived through some tough lessons. I feel accomplished in that regard. So the chance to do this over is exciting. Come on 30s I'm ready. Plus 40 is the new 30, so here's another opportunity for rebirth, lol. This is kind of the definition of don't sweat the small stuff or this too shall pass. 20s are designed to be all about growth. 30s are the beginning of applying knowledge. 40s are the years of realization. 50s are the years of learning to let go. 60s + are the years of appreciation. Or at least that's my take on things. My plan is to live life loud for many seasons to come. I'll just have to update this accordingly.

Career v. Student v. Entrepreneur + Mom = Me v. Career + Student + Entrepreneur + Mom = Me

I'm considering big career decision. It would be at two year commitment at minimum. This position would put me back in sales, and I do believe in this product. The downside is that I see it as giving up on my chosen career and my education. Am I turning my back on my drive and my business for the guaranteed successes of someone elses?

I do faithfully attend college. I've found my second wind, and I am back finishing my degree. Would I be throwing all that work away to pursue this career? This is tough. What to do with my massive schooling? I have hours upon hours, multiple certifications, and an Associates Degree. I am down the street from my Bachelors. This work would not be completely utilized in my new career. How do I feel about that?

blaisedENVY has been my passion for the last couple years now. I have created so many beautiful pieces of jewelry. I have so many beautiful accessories and apparel designs left in me. I have crazy potential. I can make this work! Would I be giving up on this dream, this ability, and this work? Can I add 5 - 10 hours to the day and do both? Can I figure out a way to make both work? Is it even possible to make both work?

Bashing this career opportunity does not make it bad. It's still an excellent opportunity that I'd feel like a fool to pass up. I have the chance to jump into a job that will quickly become a very lucrative career. I am sitting atop a gold mine. If I pass this by I will strongly regret it very soon.

So the answer is evident. I must take a shot at this new career. Also, finding or making the time to continue to finish my education and rock blaisedENVY until the wheels fall off. I'm going to have more work on my hands than ever before. This is going to be a defining moment for me. I will be tested. With all of this going on, I'm still a single mom to a attention needing 3 yo. I can do this. The harder I work today, the longer I get to relax tomorrow!

Business is not booming

I make a fantastic product! Seriously, I do! I make some of the most beautiful jewelry I've seen in a while. It's my opinion though. I take advantage of everything I can get my hands on. I read. I watch. I research. I do everything I can think of to keep growing in this field, this industry. I feel so proud of what I do. I want everyone else to realize my ability and take advantage of what I know and create. Why isn't this easy? Why isn't business booming? I consider myself on the road to expert, because I realize the importance of taking advantage of everyone's knowledge. So again, why isn't business booming? I want to push this to the absolute edge. I want this to be a part of what ultimately defines me. I need this to work as hard for me as I work for it. So, I need to figure out how. That will be next weeks project I guess!

I'm having far too many incidents of self doubt.

Blaise has a new school

So, Blaise is officially a day school student starting Monday. I'm very excited for him. He misses going to school and having fun with his school friends everyday. This is good. He's learning more and more everyday and needs some where to use this new knowledge. Mommy teaches and encourages, but it's different coming from a teacher in a school. So really I'm giddy about my little boy returning to educationville, but what am I gonna do with myself?

As much as I'm driven crazy, tired out, and sleep deprived, I'm used to being with him all day. I don't really know what to do with myself without my kid in tow. I'm nervous. I'm about to start a new job, looking at some major changes as far as my biz, and trying to make some lifestyle changes. I am not without something to do. It's just that it will really be without my son for many of the hours of the day. That kind of freaks me out! I'm going to miss Blaise all day. I'm really happy for him. I'm really excited about the fun and learning he's going to get each day, but I'm also a little sad and will be a little lonely.

Maybe it's time for Mommy to grow up?!

Pretty and shiny jet black, blue black, hair

I love my hair black! I look back at pictures of my childhood when I had this thick jet black hair with jealousy and longing. Over the years, through the relaxers and the dye jobs, I have ended up with mousy brown hair. Yuck! So the other day, I dyed my hair blue black! Love it! Immediately it looked healthier and shinier. It's stunning! I'm proud. Even had a very attractive boy comment on it in passing. Very attractive boy. Although very young attractive boy. I have shoes older than that very attractive boy, j/k. So here's more of this rebirth, blah, blah, blah. The new me, that really is just the old me shined up a bit. From a distance I'm working on new and improved, but close up I'll still give you the nice nasty so hard and quick it will cut you to the white meat! Again kidding because really I'm a nice person.

Weight Loss the MONSTER

I was talking to some friends, some professionals, and some other members of the overweight club the other day. We compared secrets, diets, prayers, and hopes. Then we came to the conclusion that none of that stuff works. This is really about changing our lifestyles. We have to be able to make good decisions about good foods. We have to learn when enough is enough. Listen to our body cues of fullness, thirst, and true hunger. We have to be smart about weight loss and life. I get that, but now I have to live it.

Embrace the gym, it is my friend! I enjoy working out, but I hate the workout afterwards. With "relaxed ethnic" hair, I have to wash, heavy condition because of the frequency of washing, blow dry, and flat iron. Then I moisturize and tie it up neatly in my silk scarf. This ensures I don't walk around looking like Buckwheat later. It's a lot of work! I have to motivate myself with a scale in the middle of my bathroom floor. I step on it a gazillion times a day. It's not what they tell you to do, but it reminds me of what I need to be doing!

So I focus on what that nice sweet man in the TLC special said about food and eating.

1. When you are hungry...EAT.
2. Eat what you want, not what you think you should eat.
3. Eat consciously.
4. When you are full...STOP!

I have added chug water like you're at a vegan frat party. This makes sense. Duh! It's not easy, but it makes sense. You eat what you want when you want, but with full focus. Savor every bite of your food. Eat it slowly, consciously, so you can hear your body cues. When you have had enough, stop.

I've made changes. I workout with full faith that I just have to show up, do the work, and the results will undoubtedly come. I binge on Subway instead of On the Border, lol, when I do binge. I cut out deep fried foods and sugary drinks. I drink and eat more consciously. I am proud that this time I feel like I'm doing this the right way. It's not going to be easy or quick, but when I get it down to a science it will stick!

Failure

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." ~Henry Ford


I have failed, of course. Failure is a part of life. It's not focusing on the failure, but on the opportunity that we must be taught. That's one hell of a lesson. I want to find success in seeing the lesson even if I haven't applied it in my life in any way. If that's fair.

I have a considerable amount of failure. At times, I feel I failed on my entire life. I can't count many accomplishments. I am proud of who I am. I feel truly blessed. But, at the end of the day my accomplishments bucket is kind of low. I am still fighting the good fight for multiple degrees that I'm not sure I'm passionate about. It's called a sacrifice. I keep going back to the school for education because I need it, not always an issue of want. I work so hard at my business, http://www.blaisedenvy.etsy.com/, because it's my passion, but often I wonder if it's a failure. If it is, is this my opportunity to continue the changes I've been making or scrap the project and go a different direction. I hope it's not the latter.

The gist of things is that failure doesn't last. You may go to bed with rain, but it will pass through the night. You'll wake to sunshine and a rainbow in the distance. I promise. I am master of failure, getting back up, dusting myself off, and beginning again more intelligently. I am not afraid of failure, I will welcome it. If it gives me the chance to relive, redo, or rework any moment better. I will welcome it. It's the harsh word for guess, test, and revise. Failure and recovery = guess, test, and revise!