You cannot build a relationship on lust. You cannot expect that someone will ever make the changes you want, or need, them to make in their personality or character. There is a strong chance that what you have is what you will have.
I have been very guilty of establishing relationship with the so called perfect man. He looks good on paper. That typically means he is handsome, employed, has a good family, and buys me pretty things. Actually that doesn't guarantee he's all of those things. He may just be some of them. Now coming from a good family must be on the list. I'm not signing up for crazy! So, I fall head over heels in love. We have sex, and because God is tricky, it's incredible. I am done.
Then shortly after it starts, it ends. But we continue to sleep together, because it seems right.
Things get far more complicated than they should be, and I'm devastated before long.
So I get it, you can't build a relationship off a checklist. You can't jump into bed with someone you aren't sure you can hold a conversation with. You can't give you heart to the man that just buys you what you ask for. You can't expect that everything will fall into place as easily as your bodies entwined. That's silly. It's crazy.
My mother once told me that I should look at the father of my crushes. My handsome man will grow to look like him. The day could come that sex is no longer an option I want. What happens when he's purchased everything I ever wanted? Am I really into him, or is he just the best thing going right now? Will I regret my choice one morning as I realize I've committed to all his annoying behaviors? Is he just generally annoying as a person?
There was a man that was handsome and strong. He made me feel beautiful, but he was also as dumb as a box of rocks! He couldn't carry a conversation if it was about him. He was exhausting. I'd been roped into dating him because he was my type. I love a buff, not too buff, light skinned, not to light skinned, good hair having, deep voice talking, gorgeous man! IN MY LIFE EXPERIENCES, those have been my idiots. So he was dismissed quickly, but it took him months to figure it out, LOL.
I have had to make a change. Sex is no longer on the table. I'm dating for life now, no more fun and games. If it is not a potentially OUTSTANDING fit, I'm not even participating. Charity is for those in need. My needs are few, and that's not one.
Lust doesn't last.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Journey to Thirty #5 - Realization: I am late for success
So I spent the weekend doing all the things I typically do. I caught up on the laundry, made some jewelry, relaxed, and tried to watch most of my DVR stuff. Well during all of these things I got hit with a major revelation. I am super late for success. Don't get me wrong I'm not out of time, but I'm figuring out some key things late in the game.
So Sean Combs accepted his BET Honor, however long ago (DVR), and he spoke about the drive and determination he had from a young age. He set some incredible goals and did not rest until they were obtained. Then there are all these other young people sitting on bank accounts and owning businesses that are far more than just impressive. Everywhere I turned, in every magazine, on every channel there were more people like him. I mean young established millionaires even in their 20s?! It's possible, and it's being done.
I think I have spent too much time resting. I have relied on the false guarantee of tomorrow, paying or charming my way to the next level, and just "waiting it out." This is why my accomplishments are in the negative in comparison to some others. When I look at all the great entrepreneurs I obsess over, these are people who made lemonade with their lemons, sold the lemonade until people got hooked, and then sold the company for mega bucks. These are people who didn't rest. They didn't stop. They made their presence known.
I haven't consistently done any of those things. I have been standing in the trench, but quietly waiting to be noticed. Then if someone notices me I may have an anxiety attack and give the credit to someone else. What's wrong with me?! I know that the millionaires club doesn't mean anyone is better than I am, but I do recognize that their efforts have been better than mine.
I am super late for success, and that's no longer okay. I want to pave a way for myself and my family. I want to be in a position to say to my son that I will do whatever it takes for you to make your dreams a reality. Because, no one is out there waiting to hand you anything. We will do the work and reap the benefits. I will be the example he needs to be sure he is not late for success.
So Sean Combs accepted his BET Honor, however long ago (DVR), and he spoke about the drive and determination he had from a young age. He set some incredible goals and did not rest until they were obtained. Then there are all these other young people sitting on bank accounts and owning businesses that are far more than just impressive. Everywhere I turned, in every magazine, on every channel there were more people like him. I mean young established millionaires even in their 20s?! It's possible, and it's being done.
I think I have spent too much time resting. I have relied on the false guarantee of tomorrow, paying or charming my way to the next level, and just "waiting it out." This is why my accomplishments are in the negative in comparison to some others. When I look at all the great entrepreneurs I obsess over, these are people who made lemonade with their lemons, sold the lemonade until people got hooked, and then sold the company for mega bucks. These are people who didn't rest. They didn't stop. They made their presence known.
I haven't consistently done any of those things. I have been standing in the trench, but quietly waiting to be noticed. Then if someone notices me I may have an anxiety attack and give the credit to someone else. What's wrong with me?! I know that the millionaires club doesn't mean anyone is better than I am, but I do recognize that their efforts have been better than mine.
I am super late for success, and that's no longer okay. I want to pave a way for myself and my family. I want to be in a position to say to my son that I will do whatever it takes for you to make your dreams a reality. Because, no one is out there waiting to hand you anything. We will do the work and reap the benefits. I will be the example he needs to be sure he is not late for success.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Journey to Thirty #4 - Realization: I'm single. So what?!
So I'm watching Oprah, again, and it just sparked another realization. There was a beautiful 40 something year old woman trying to fix her "single" problem. What?! I'm not that much of an oddity! There are other single women on this planet. Some of them are even older than me. I don't have to purchase a cat or any of the other stereotypical single lady crazy!
No need to put that much energy in obtaining the right relationship. He will come when the time is right. Take this time to become, or fine tune, who you want to attract. I realize that I can't expect to find the perfect man when I am so imperfect. I rather wait and get my ducks in a row to attract a man with his ducks in a row. Would you want to date a man like you?
I had to learn to ask myself that question. When I took a hard financial hit and was working out some kinks on my credit, did I want a man like me? When I was struggling to figure out the next career and life step, did I want to find a man like me? While I'm working 12 hours a day, at least, between my job and my business, do I want to attract a man doing the same? Or, would I rather be comfortable in the management of my finances and credit and my job and business to appreciate the man who's got his stuff together too? I think I rather get me together and attract the man who's got himself together too. Then we can live happily ever after with growing successful careers and businesses and zero down 100% financed.
No need to put that much energy in obtaining the right relationship. He will come when the time is right. Take this time to become, or fine tune, who you want to attract. I realize that I can't expect to find the perfect man when I am so imperfect. I rather wait and get my ducks in a row to attract a man with his ducks in a row. Would you want to date a man like you?
I had to learn to ask myself that question. When I took a hard financial hit and was working out some kinks on my credit, did I want a man like me? When I was struggling to figure out the next career and life step, did I want to find a man like me? While I'm working 12 hours a day, at least, between my job and my business, do I want to attract a man doing the same? Or, would I rather be comfortable in the management of my finances and credit and my job and business to appreciate the man who's got his stuff together too? I think I rather get me together and attract the man who's got himself together too. Then we can live happily ever after with growing successful careers and businesses and zero down 100% financed.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Journey to Thirty #3 - Realization: Mutilation
"Self mutilation is a broad term for a "complex group of behaviors" resulting in destruction of one's own tissue. These behaviors, including scratching, burning or cutting the skin, pulling out hair, breaking bones, amputation, etc..." http://answers.yahoo.com/
I scratched the surface of my self until I was almost destroyed. I burned my self esteem. I allowed others to cut me deep. My stress level had my hair falling out. I was broken, and I'm sure amputation was around the corner. I'd put myself in situations and relationships that I knew I was better than. I continuously mutilated who I was. I had no depth. I molded myself to be who ever someone else needed me to be from 19 or 20 until I was about 25. I was a good daughter. I was a great girlfriend. I was the perfect friend. I spoke when it was appropriate and always said just the right thing. I did what should be done and smiled the entire time. I was perfect in any situation, but I don't think I had much of my own personality. That set me up for failure in every avenue of my life.
I began to realize, as my relationships crumbled, that it's hard for people to accept drastic change. I can sympathize though. I went from yes, okay, whatever you want, sure I will do it, and damn near kissing feet, to having a real backbone. I began to develop my own personality and stopped mirroring huge portions of someone else's. I stopped being a chameleon, and started being myself. People dropped like flies. Some dropped off, but others I walked away from when I saw our compatibility die.
Popularity meant a lot to me once. The older I get the more I appreciate my alone time. I don't want to become a recluse, but I do want to wait out quality compatible relationships. I know what I desire from friends and romance. Well, the surface level is determined. I still have a lot of learning and work to build concrete relationships. One thing I do know is that if I can't have the perfect fit, I rather not have the relationship at all.
I scratched the surface of my self until I was almost destroyed. I burned my self esteem. I allowed others to cut me deep. My stress level had my hair falling out. I was broken, and I'm sure amputation was around the corner. I'd put myself in situations and relationships that I knew I was better than. I continuously mutilated who I was. I had no depth. I molded myself to be who ever someone else needed me to be from 19 or 20 until I was about 25. I was a good daughter. I was a great girlfriend. I was the perfect friend. I spoke when it was appropriate and always said just the right thing. I did what should be done and smiled the entire time. I was perfect in any situation, but I don't think I had much of my own personality. That set me up for failure in every avenue of my life.
I began to realize, as my relationships crumbled, that it's hard for people to accept drastic change. I can sympathize though. I went from yes, okay, whatever you want, sure I will do it, and damn near kissing feet, to having a real backbone. I began to develop my own personality and stopped mirroring huge portions of someone else's. I stopped being a chameleon, and started being myself. People dropped like flies. Some dropped off, but others I walked away from when I saw our compatibility die.
Popularity meant a lot to me once. The older I get the more I appreciate my alone time. I don't want to become a recluse, but I do want to wait out quality compatible relationships. I know what I desire from friends and romance. Well, the surface level is determined. I still have a lot of learning and work to build concrete relationships. One thing I do know is that if I can't have the perfect fit, I rather not have the relationship at all.
Journey to Thirty #2 - Realization: Rewards
When I was growing up both of my parents had financially rewarding careers, and because of that, they wanted to give me everything! I didn't have to earn much. Don't get me wrong, I was a good kid. I never got in any trouble, and in a way, I was always proving myself worthy of what I received. That, and I was spoiled to the max!
When I ventured out in to adulthood, I kept that life style. I damn near ruined my credit. I bought what I wanted, and when I wanted it. I didn't take in mind that my income was less than 1/3 of one of my parents. Plus those household bills I now had, neither of them was using their single income to cover ALL of them like I was. They had developed a plan. They had established a savings. They were making sacrifices. I didn't do any of those things.
Obviously, this has been a hard lesson. Now, I was force fed sacrifice around 24. Motherhood and sacrifice were like a buy one get one free, but the others are a constant work in progress. I'm working hard and heavy on weight loss, and one of the gazillion websites I visit, for motivation and guidance, recently ran an article all about rewards. Eureka! So I should shop, not because I see something pretty, but because I reached a goal. It's called a reward? It translates into everything?
So now, I have a plan. My plan is only new clothes in new SMALLER sizes and exciting trips with a reasonable a budget. I'm working to lose some weight. Why am I investing money in clothes that, if all goes as planned, won't even fit in time for me to get my money's worth? And, once I've put money aside only then will I go on an exciting vacation. No more quick weekend getaways just because. I'm not going to keep wasting my time and money on mini vacations that aren't even worthy of picture taking. If I'd put together the money spent on a few of those, I could board a plane to somewhere fabulous! And, I can force myself to eat like a rabbit if I'm saving calories and money for a few Tex-Mex treats once a goal has been reached. Well maybe a carnivorous rabbit.
Who would have thought this reward thing could be so appealing?
When I ventured out in to adulthood, I kept that life style. I damn near ruined my credit. I bought what I wanted, and when I wanted it. I didn't take in mind that my income was less than 1/3 of one of my parents. Plus those household bills I now had, neither of them was using their single income to cover ALL of them like I was. They had developed a plan. They had established a savings. They were making sacrifices. I didn't do any of those things.
Obviously, this has been a hard lesson. Now, I was force fed sacrifice around 24. Motherhood and sacrifice were like a buy one get one free, but the others are a constant work in progress. I'm working hard and heavy on weight loss, and one of the gazillion websites I visit, for motivation and guidance, recently ran an article all about rewards. Eureka! So I should shop, not because I see something pretty, but because I reached a goal. It's called a reward? It translates into everything?
So now, I have a plan. My plan is only new clothes in new SMALLER sizes and exciting trips with a reasonable a budget. I'm working to lose some weight. Why am I investing money in clothes that, if all goes as planned, won't even fit in time for me to get my money's worth? And, once I've put money aside only then will I go on an exciting vacation. No more quick weekend getaways just because. I'm not going to keep wasting my time and money on mini vacations that aren't even worthy of picture taking. If I'd put together the money spent on a few of those, I could board a plane to somewhere fabulous! And, I can force myself to eat like a rabbit if I'm saving calories and money for a few Tex-Mex treats once a goal has been reached. Well maybe a carnivorous rabbit.
Who would have thought this reward thing could be so appealing?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Journey to Thirty #1 - Realization: Happy Birthday
Realizations: I'm sure this is just the first of many realizations as the year progresses. I actually already have numerous realizations just waiting for their turn on this blog. But, let's start this slowly with my anger about not getting birthday wishes from the two men that always seem so desperate to rip off my clothes in the throws of passion. Interesting.
If there is a man in your life that doesn't remember your birthday he's not the right man for you. I'll go much further in depth as my journey to thirty progresses, but the short of the long is you should be memorable. I woke up, this 29th birthday, to my FB wall filling up with birthday wishes. I had text messages pouring in and the phone ringing ridiculously. I loved every second of it! I'm still loving every second of it! But during the hoopla I realized the most recent crash and burn relationship never said a word and the one before him didn't either. Huh?! During the complexities of these relationships they claimed to adore me. Then why can't you remember the only day on the calendar that belongs to me? If I was so important it would have rang in your ears like a tardy bell. But, you promise you want me back. You want me back bad!!!!
Now of course I couldn't wait until the 11th hour to remind them of this mistake. I did it 15 minutes ago. I wanted my "Happy Birthday!" Plus, the nervous laugh that followed my, "did you honestly forget my birthday," was great for my buzz. Well just as if they were one person they both apologized fifty thousand times, promised me gifts I'll probably never see, and asked if I wanted birthday sex. Ummm, nope. I'm not looking for sex from anyone, but even if I was hard up, no super hard up, I wouldn't want yours if I had replaced my girl parts with someone else's goodies. No thanks.
Some may say birthdays are no big deal, but to me they are. The card I sent on their birthdays were big deals, and the thoughtful gift I purchased, when the love was there, was appreciated. Give me, at the very least, the same back! Because my main complaint in matters of the heart is that men don't make their actions match their words. If you claim to care so deeply, love me with your whole heart, and can't see yourself with any other girl, remember my damn birthday loser!
If there is a man in your life that doesn't remember your birthday he's not the right man for you. I'll go much further in depth as my journey to thirty progresses, but the short of the long is you should be memorable. I woke up, this 29th birthday, to my FB wall filling up with birthday wishes. I had text messages pouring in and the phone ringing ridiculously. I loved every second of it! I'm still loving every second of it! But during the hoopla I realized the most recent crash and burn relationship never said a word and the one before him didn't either. Huh?! During the complexities of these relationships they claimed to adore me. Then why can't you remember the only day on the calendar that belongs to me? If I was so important it would have rang in your ears like a tardy bell. But, you promise you want me back. You want me back bad!!!!
Now of course I couldn't wait until the 11th hour to remind them of this mistake. I did it 15 minutes ago. I wanted my "Happy Birthday!" Plus, the nervous laugh that followed my, "did you honestly forget my birthday," was great for my buzz. Well just as if they were one person they both apologized fifty thousand times, promised me gifts I'll probably never see, and asked if I wanted birthday sex. Ummm, nope. I'm not looking for sex from anyone, but even if I was hard up, no super hard up, I wouldn't want yours if I had replaced my girl parts with someone else's goodies. No thanks.
Some may say birthdays are no big deal, but to me they are. The card I sent on their birthdays were big deals, and the thoughtful gift I purchased, when the love was there, was appreciated. Give me, at the very least, the same back! Because my main complaint in matters of the heart is that men don't make their actions match their words. If you claim to care so deeply, love me with your whole heart, and can't see yourself with any other girl, remember my damn birthday loser!
Journey to Thirty - Introductions
I'm 29 years old. I'm on the cusp of 30. I'll be 3 decades old before I know it. That means I'll be 946,080,000 seconds old, 15,768,000 minutes old, 262,800 hours old, 10,950 days old, 1,560 weeks old, 360 months old. If any of this math is incorrect, I'm not surprised. I'm getting older and my mind isn't as sharp as it once was.
I can't believe how time has flown by in my life. I am approaching an age that seemed so "mature" 10 years ago. It was "like 30," with a tight wrinkle free look of disgust on my face. I'm shocked, but I'm thankful. Thank you God for taking me on this journey, because we both know I cooked up numerous recipes for disaster over the last 10 years. I've made it though. Just watch my God work, honey!
So that's what I'm calling this. It's my JOURNEY TO THIRTY! I'm going to chronicle this year. I want to look back on lessons learned, heartbreak, disaster, and growth and learning. I've come a long way baby! I want to celebrate it from 29 to 30 and from 30 until God says the ride is over. (Now Lord, I'm working on cute little titles from here to age 1000 so let's not cut this ride short.)
20
I don't remember anything about my 20th birthday. It just doesn't stand out in my mind. I'm sure there was some sort of celebration. There was almost always some sort of birthday celebration. I remember that someone pointed out to me when I was nearing age 20 that my teens would soon be over. I probably high-fived them. It's funny but from the time you figure out age you are on the fast track to getting older. When I turned 12, I just wanted to be 13 and a teenager. When I turned 15, I just wanted to be 16 and get a driver's license. When I turned 17, I just wanted to be 18 and an adult. Then when I turned 20, I just wanted to be 21 and go look mature sitting at any body's bar with a legal drink in hand. Maybe that's why 20 is a blur. It wasn't so significant. I wasn't seizing the days. I was hurrying them past.
I remember that at age 21 I rushed to a bar. I just wanted to be able to purchase a drink, any drink. I just wanted an alcoholic beverage in my 21 year old hand. Then the bartender failed to card me. That broke my heart. Did I look old? No, it was a college town,and there was a strict don't ask don't tell code. I mean old? What was I thinking? I haven't even met old. This is still my prime, honey!
It began to get a little cloudy for me at 22. I started a relationship that I thought was perfect. He was beautiful, and he thought I was a dream. We played this dangerous game with each other's emotions. There was jealousy, infidelity, promiscuity, and competition. We called it love. I was so wrapped up in who he was that I again lost my identity. I was good at that. I would mold myself into the perfect mate or friend. Before I knew it, I was no more than his girlfriend or their friend. That was dangerous. It is so incredibly true that if you don't stand for anything, you will fall for everything. And, I did.
I was redefining myself often. It was like the second round of puberty. I had a good idea of who and what I wanted to be, but there was no foundation. I realized later that because no one ever helped me focus on molding who I was, I'd only learned how to mold myself to another person. I'm not proud of that. I'm such a strong and multifaceted person, but I spent years doing myself a major disservice. You should never allow yourself to be defined by other people. Take as much time as you need to learn enough about you that you can build a strong sense of true self. That's important. I wish someone had helped me with that. I wish I could have been strong enough to fight to be who I wanted to be. Life probably would have been drastically different. However, I am who I am NOW because of the lessons I learned along the way.
Most of 22 and 23 were the same life lived over and over with different people. I had dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. I was so needy, but I thought you just give to get. I didn't know you were supposed to make demands and not settle for less. It's funny now because it all seemed so obvious. But I was starved for attention and affection. I had this incredible family that only seemed to know how to talk about love. We weren't that great at showing it. I needed a mother daughter and father daughter relationship that included trust, friendship, and reliability and I didn't get that. My parents had their own issues, and because I wasn't keeping up much noise I got lost in the shuffle.
Then 24 came around, and it finally felt like I was getting it all together. I had a career that I was great at. I lived in a town that I loved. I saw a future. It wasn't perfect, nor was it scratching my entrepreneurial itch, but it was great for me. I was dating a guy who was crazy about me, and I was finally feeling like there was equal sacrifice. I was his fiance, with the ring to prove it. Wedding plans were underway, and then the pregnancy test came back positive. My life went into mass hysteria. I was so excited about having a baby, but I knew I didn't want to have a baby and become a wife. Strange, I know, but I wanted to concentrate on one life altering thing at a time. Then it all fell apart around me.
Who would have thought that my seemingly perfect life could crash and burn in the blink of an eye? I started 24 in bliss, but by the time it ended I was packing up my life, and newborn, and moving back into my parents home. Life did a 360 without any warning. I was hiding from an abusive man, trying to pick up the pieces of my destroyed life, and battling depression, all with a baby in tow. I though I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I almost did. I may have. I chained smoked, gained insane amounts of weight, and slipped back into my 22 year old self. Failure.
So 25 and 26 were a total fog. They were wasted with me standing around expecting someone to save me. I was a victim of a number of tragic situations, but everyone has bad stuff happen to them. Instead of fighting back, I'd turned my life off completely and become nothing more than a victim. 27 and 28 had foggy parts. It was more about calling bad decisions foggy misunderstandings. At one point, I felt like I could lose control, but I didn't. Wow, I'm stronger than I thought. I'm blessed. I refused to fall apart, because there was no time and no desire. I had stuff to do. I had this kid to raise and this future to plan. I returned to school at 26. I let go of being a victim. I began thinking, seriously, about the future. I took a chance and finally picked a major, marketing. I completed the real estate program. I became a super student. Then at 27, I established a business. My marketing classes caused my the entrepreneur in me to take shape. I began a jewelry company, a blog, and shaping myself into an all-things-fashion consultant. Wow!
At 28, I took another break from school and rejoined the workforce. Now freshly 29, I am a single mother, business owner, and Membership and Marketing Specialist for the Girl Scouts Diamonds. I'm also returning to school in the summer. Although something had to give for a few months, I really miss being a student. I have a busy and demanding life. I am being pulled in multiple directions, and I'm short 24 hours everyday. I'm happy though.
Following, "I'm happy though," is I'm single. That's not a bad thing. It's tough at times, but it's not the end of the world. I finally realized that I suck at relationships, and I'm not ready to be in one. I was this needy, go for anything, girl. I figured out a lot when I dated this last guy. He was in the foggy parts of 27 and 28. Shortly after we faked commitment, I found out about his girlfriend. Then there was the fun of the pregnant ex-girlfriend calling. Then the continued complications of our "relationship." He and I played with my sanity up until...couple days before today. Not literally a few days ago, but it took a long time for me to realize that anyone doesn't beat no one. He's bad news. He's not good in my life. He means me no good. Some relationships are only to put you in the time and place for better relationships. He was a lesson. Now, the next man that comes along will appreciate the maturity and strength I have. I'm not bitter. I'm not going to punish the next man. I was not forced into the madness I went through. I walked that journey with both eyes wide open. I just thank God I made it through with negatives down the STD board, a tightly handled bank account, and my total sanity! Take that fool!
I'm not ready for a relationship, and I won't be until God puts the right man in my path. I'm not looking. When you look for a relationship you find a relationship. Then you regret it all.
29, this is going to be one hell of a year. I have weight loss and health plans taking shape. I'm looking at saving MUCH MUCH MUCH more money than I spend, and making plans that will outlast the day. I am going to spend more time thinking big, living out loud, and becoming a much better me than I've been in the past. This is not a dress rehearsal. I can't keep living my life for or through other people. I need to stand on my own two feet, fight past the anxiety, and allow myself to grow in a positive direction!
I can't believe how time has flown by in my life. I am approaching an age that seemed so "mature" 10 years ago. It was "like 30," with a tight wrinkle free look of disgust on my face. I'm shocked, but I'm thankful. Thank you God for taking me on this journey, because we both know I cooked up numerous recipes for disaster over the last 10 years. I've made it though. Just watch my God work, honey!
So that's what I'm calling this. It's my JOURNEY TO THIRTY! I'm going to chronicle this year. I want to look back on lessons learned, heartbreak, disaster, and growth and learning. I've come a long way baby! I want to celebrate it from 29 to 30 and from 30 until God says the ride is over. (Now Lord, I'm working on cute little titles from here to age 1000 so let's not cut this ride short.)
20
I don't remember anything about my 20th birthday. It just doesn't stand out in my mind. I'm sure there was some sort of celebration. There was almost always some sort of birthday celebration. I remember that someone pointed out to me when I was nearing age 20 that my teens would soon be over. I probably high-fived them. It's funny but from the time you figure out age you are on the fast track to getting older. When I turned 12, I just wanted to be 13 and a teenager. When I turned 15, I just wanted to be 16 and get a driver's license. When I turned 17, I just wanted to be 18 and an adult. Then when I turned 20, I just wanted to be 21 and go look mature sitting at any body's bar with a legal drink in hand. Maybe that's why 20 is a blur. It wasn't so significant. I wasn't seizing the days. I was hurrying them past.
I remember that at age 21 I rushed to a bar. I just wanted to be able to purchase a drink, any drink. I just wanted an alcoholic beverage in my 21 year old hand. Then the bartender failed to card me. That broke my heart. Did I look old? No, it was a college town,and there was a strict don't ask don't tell code. I mean old? What was I thinking? I haven't even met old. This is still my prime, honey!
It began to get a little cloudy for me at 22. I started a relationship that I thought was perfect. He was beautiful, and he thought I was a dream. We played this dangerous game with each other's emotions. There was jealousy, infidelity, promiscuity, and competition. We called it love. I was so wrapped up in who he was that I again lost my identity. I was good at that. I would mold myself into the perfect mate or friend. Before I knew it, I was no more than his girlfriend or their friend. That was dangerous. It is so incredibly true that if you don't stand for anything, you will fall for everything. And, I did.
I was redefining myself often. It was like the second round of puberty. I had a good idea of who and what I wanted to be, but there was no foundation. I realized later that because no one ever helped me focus on molding who I was, I'd only learned how to mold myself to another person. I'm not proud of that. I'm such a strong and multifaceted person, but I spent years doing myself a major disservice. You should never allow yourself to be defined by other people. Take as much time as you need to learn enough about you that you can build a strong sense of true self. That's important. I wish someone had helped me with that. I wish I could have been strong enough to fight to be who I wanted to be. Life probably would have been drastically different. However, I am who I am NOW because of the lessons I learned along the way.
Most of 22 and 23 were the same life lived over and over with different people. I had dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. I was so needy, but I thought you just give to get. I didn't know you were supposed to make demands and not settle for less. It's funny now because it all seemed so obvious. But I was starved for attention and affection. I had this incredible family that only seemed to know how to talk about love. We weren't that great at showing it. I needed a mother daughter and father daughter relationship that included trust, friendship, and reliability and I didn't get that. My parents had their own issues, and because I wasn't keeping up much noise I got lost in the shuffle.
Then 24 came around, and it finally felt like I was getting it all together. I had a career that I was great at. I lived in a town that I loved. I saw a future. It wasn't perfect, nor was it scratching my entrepreneurial itch, but it was great for me. I was dating a guy who was crazy about me, and I was finally feeling like there was equal sacrifice. I was his fiance, with the ring to prove it. Wedding plans were underway, and then the pregnancy test came back positive. My life went into mass hysteria. I was so excited about having a baby, but I knew I didn't want to have a baby and become a wife. Strange, I know, but I wanted to concentrate on one life altering thing at a time. Then it all fell apart around me.
Who would have thought that my seemingly perfect life could crash and burn in the blink of an eye? I started 24 in bliss, but by the time it ended I was packing up my life, and newborn, and moving back into my parents home. Life did a 360 without any warning. I was hiding from an abusive man, trying to pick up the pieces of my destroyed life, and battling depression, all with a baby in tow. I though I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I almost did. I may have. I chained smoked, gained insane amounts of weight, and slipped back into my 22 year old self. Failure.
So 25 and 26 were a total fog. They were wasted with me standing around expecting someone to save me. I was a victim of a number of tragic situations, but everyone has bad stuff happen to them. Instead of fighting back, I'd turned my life off completely and become nothing more than a victim. 27 and 28 had foggy parts. It was more about calling bad decisions foggy misunderstandings. At one point, I felt like I could lose control, but I didn't. Wow, I'm stronger than I thought. I'm blessed. I refused to fall apart, because there was no time and no desire. I had stuff to do. I had this kid to raise and this future to plan. I returned to school at 26. I let go of being a victim. I began thinking, seriously, about the future. I took a chance and finally picked a major, marketing. I completed the real estate program. I became a super student. Then at 27, I established a business. My marketing classes caused my the entrepreneur in me to take shape. I began a jewelry company, a blog, and shaping myself into an all-things-fashion consultant. Wow!
At 28, I took another break from school and rejoined the workforce. Now freshly 29, I am a single mother, business owner, and Membership and Marketing Specialist for the Girl Scouts Diamonds. I'm also returning to school in the summer. Although something had to give for a few months, I really miss being a student. I have a busy and demanding life. I am being pulled in multiple directions, and I'm short 24 hours everyday. I'm happy though.
Following, "I'm happy though," is I'm single. That's not a bad thing. It's tough at times, but it's not the end of the world. I finally realized that I suck at relationships, and I'm not ready to be in one. I was this needy, go for anything, girl. I figured out a lot when I dated this last guy. He was in the foggy parts of 27 and 28. Shortly after we faked commitment, I found out about his girlfriend. Then there was the fun of the pregnant ex-girlfriend calling. Then the continued complications of our "relationship." He and I played with my sanity up until...couple days before today. Not literally a few days ago, but it took a long time for me to realize that anyone doesn't beat no one. He's bad news. He's not good in my life. He means me no good. Some relationships are only to put you in the time and place for better relationships. He was a lesson. Now, the next man that comes along will appreciate the maturity and strength I have. I'm not bitter. I'm not going to punish the next man. I was not forced into the madness I went through. I walked that journey with both eyes wide open. I just thank God I made it through with negatives down the STD board, a tightly handled bank account, and my total sanity! Take that fool!
I'm not ready for a relationship, and I won't be until God puts the right man in my path. I'm not looking. When you look for a relationship you find a relationship. Then you regret it all.
29, this is going to be one hell of a year. I have weight loss and health plans taking shape. I'm looking at saving MUCH MUCH MUCH more money than I spend, and making plans that will outlast the day. I am going to spend more time thinking big, living out loud, and becoming a much better me than I've been in the past. This is not a dress rehearsal. I can't keep living my life for or through other people. I need to stand on my own two feet, fight past the anxiety, and allow myself to grow in a positive direction!
Friday, January 22, 2010
I'm back!
So it's been ages, but I'm back! I have been working crazy hours with my business, a "regular" job, and single parenthood. I'm fulfilled, almost, but typically out of time for most anything else. I'm recommitted though. I'm ready to get back to this blog. It's like my online diary, and I've missed it.
I'm starting a new feature to this blog. It's going to be called my journey to thirty. I'm turning 29 on the 24th of January, in just a few days. My twenties have been so crazy, yet strangely rewarding, and I want to chronicle this last year. I think it will be fun discussing some of the things I've learned. I will start it off by reviewing some of the unsuccessful decisions I've made in my 20s and what I've learned from them. Please take this ride with me. I think it'll be worth a laugh or two at least!
I'm starting a new feature to this blog. It's going to be called my journey to thirty. I'm turning 29 on the 24th of January, in just a few days. My twenties have been so crazy, yet strangely rewarding, and I want to chronicle this last year. I think it will be fun discussing some of the things I've learned. I will start it off by reviewing some of the unsuccessful decisions I've made in my 20s and what I've learned from them. Please take this ride with me. I think it'll be worth a laugh or two at least!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I know the secret to business success
Okay knowing the secret to business success and being able to use it are two totally different things. They are completely, drastically, different things. So the secret is that first you need to be able to make or do something no one else has the desire to make or do or something no one else is able to make or do to guarantee business success. That's my problem. If you build it, they may or may not come. This is the truth. I make a quality product. I don't even care about the nay sayers because I pour a lot of me into my jewelry designs and I know they are well made and BEAUTIFUL. But, it's important for me to realize there are a lot of great jewelry designers out there that make fantastic products too. I'm not doing something no one else can do or lacks desire to do. I have to revamp my business. I have to add something new and amazing. This is important to guarantee the success of blaisedENVY, and me and my child and his children and his children's children.
I know that what I know, I know, I know. I don't know everything, but I pride myself on being a master of a FEW things.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
ODE TO MY FOLLOWERS
Very often I read a comment that I wish I could respond to personally. You all are such motivating and beautiful people. I feel very blessed to have people follow me who send me such warm thoughts. I get great comments that help lift me out of bad moods, give me a new perspective on things, or just offer a laugh. For all of this, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you! Please know that your words are very much appreciated!
From my heart to you, with lots of love
From my heart to you, with lots of love
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Holier than thou
So the other day Jackie Burkhart confessed to pushing men towards her own goals just to be disappointed later. I was watching reruns of That 70's Show. So, I thought about this. I stepped outside of myself and just focused on how women screw up relationships by demanding too little or too much.
Then today I was sitting with the neighbor girl talking about her love life. I was so holier than thou. I was giving her all my 28 year old wisdom, probably overwhelming her 19 year old brain. It was the standard. I'm sure someone had told me these things when I was young, dumb, and in love. Don't lose yourself in your boyfriend. In 6 months to a year this relationship will seem so trivial to you. Trust your instincts. If something seems wrong investigate, but only if it's worth it. Do not investigate like CSI just pay attention. Typically men aren't that interested in hiding anything well. Don't date anyone that's not at least your equal in terms of drive, dedication, and motivation. Do not settle for less than what you know you are worth having. If you don't know what you are worth having, ask a true friend. A true friend will tell you 100 times more than you initially thought. Don't take his crap! If he cannot respect you at all times, in all situations, let him go. Never fight for a man not worth fight for, it's tacky. Never, under any circumstances, have a physical altercation, it's low class.
So I'm sitting across from her, both of us sitting with our legs crossed. She's hanging on my every word, and I'm hanging on Jackie Burkhart's every word. Because, I need to hear myself better. I have been sacrificing, settling, and making excuses. I have only had half a man when I've had something to call a man. No more! I'm going to take my own advice. Because I give the best advice, ask anyone. But, my life has been topsy turvy because I've been sitting with my legs crossed acting holier than thou.
Then today I was sitting with the neighbor girl talking about her love life. I was so holier than thou. I was giving her all my 28 year old wisdom, probably overwhelming her 19 year old brain. It was the standard. I'm sure someone had told me these things when I was young, dumb, and in love. Don't lose yourself in your boyfriend. In 6 months to a year this relationship will seem so trivial to you. Trust your instincts. If something seems wrong investigate, but only if it's worth it. Do not investigate like CSI just pay attention. Typically men aren't that interested in hiding anything well. Don't date anyone that's not at least your equal in terms of drive, dedication, and motivation. Do not settle for less than what you know you are worth having. If you don't know what you are worth having, ask a true friend. A true friend will tell you 100 times more than you initially thought. Don't take his crap! If he cannot respect you at all times, in all situations, let him go. Never fight for a man not worth fight for, it's tacky. Never, under any circumstances, have a physical altercation, it's low class.
So I'm sitting across from her, both of us sitting with our legs crossed. She's hanging on my every word, and I'm hanging on Jackie Burkhart's every word. Because, I need to hear myself better. I have been sacrificing, settling, and making excuses. I have only had half a man when I've had something to call a man. No more! I'm going to take my own advice. Because I give the best advice, ask anyone. But, my life has been topsy turvy because I've been sitting with my legs crossed acting holier than thou.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Am I giving my son my cravings?
I just noticed that I am pushing all my cravings off on my son. It's funny and ridiculous. It's like breaking a vase and blaming it on a child.
Case in point: I am calorie counting right now. Well this is a lifestyle change, so I'll be calorie counting for life. This is devastating! The craziest part about calories are you could never guess how many you are eating if you tried. It would always be wrong. If you measure your food you would see you eat too much. This is a terrible revelation. It proved the point that if you eat yourself 3/4's full you will be totally satisfied. Your food does expand or your belly realizes how much you ate. I don't know, but it happens. I am having epiphany's daily, and I'm being struck with sadness. This is why. There are always sweets here, always. We seldom eat them. We still have candy purchased at Easter and Christmas here. There are cookies baked, and brownies came into the house yesterday. I am being harassed by chocolaty evil. All of a sudden I am desperate for these things, because I won't allow myself to have them. (I'm good at willpower as long as there's consequence and clear cut goals.) There are far too many calories in these things for me to indulge, at least this early in the game. I'm scared just one will send me back to the land of the forever fat. So, I go to the kitchen, open the Tupperware, salivate over cookies and brownies, then pick one up with stars in my eyes. I get so excited. Then I snap back into reality and call my son. I give it to him, disguised as a treat for a behavior he only half way did, and then watch him with longing. I've done this twice now. I am so ashamed, but in my defense he burns more calories than I do anyway. Later, I feel so awful I double up on his veggies. So we sit across from one another eating something raw and healthy with fake smiles on our faces. Actually judging from the little bit of chocolate in the corner of his mouth, he's smiling for real.
Case in point: I am calorie counting right now. Well this is a lifestyle change, so I'll be calorie counting for life. This is devastating! The craziest part about calories are you could never guess how many you are eating if you tried. It would always be wrong. If you measure your food you would see you eat too much. This is a terrible revelation. It proved the point that if you eat yourself 3/4's full you will be totally satisfied. Your food does expand or your belly realizes how much you ate. I don't know, but it happens. I am having epiphany's daily, and I'm being struck with sadness. This is why. There are always sweets here, always. We seldom eat them. We still have candy purchased at Easter and Christmas here. There are cookies baked, and brownies came into the house yesterday. I am being harassed by chocolaty evil. All of a sudden I am desperate for these things, because I won't allow myself to have them. (I'm good at willpower as long as there's consequence and clear cut goals.) There are far too many calories in these things for me to indulge, at least this early in the game. I'm scared just one will send me back to the land of the forever fat. So, I go to the kitchen, open the Tupperware, salivate over cookies and brownies, then pick one up with stars in my eyes. I get so excited. Then I snap back into reality and call my son. I give it to him, disguised as a treat for a behavior he only half way did, and then watch him with longing. I've done this twice now. I am so ashamed, but in my defense he burns more calories than I do anyway. Later, I feel so awful I double up on his veggies. So we sit across from one another eating something raw and healthy with fake smiles on our faces. Actually judging from the little bit of chocolate in the corner of his mouth, he's smiling for real.
Why is it so hard?
I love my son. I love how cute and intelligent he is. I even love how manipulative he is. I love everything about him. BUT, there's always a but even with mother child/relationships, I get incredibly frustrated with the potty training regression!
Blaise can read as well as any kid entering first grade, hell probably better. He amazes me with words on a daily basis. He knows his numbers and can operate any electronic item known to man. He's a brain!
Blaise hates to potty. He has had a few pee-pee accidents, but nothing extreme. Now pooping is the devil though. I don't understand. For many months he pooped fine then decided it was too much work. He rather poop on himself than to poop in the potty. I have to watch for cues, make him get on the potty, threaten his life, and wait. It's nothing for him to go through 6 pair of undies in an evening with poop stains. It's nothing for me to take him off the potty, stress out that he did nothing, to have him poop on himself moments after we wash our hands. I'm fed up! I've done everything people say do. I've stood in the room. I've coached. I've encouraged. I've spanked. I've lost my mind. I've done everything and nothing works. Absolutely nothing has worked.
I am at the end of my rope! Will he just get it one day? We've been going though this for 6 months now. Why did he regress? Nothing tragic has ever happened in his life, and he lives a pretty great life. Why is it so hard?
Blaise can read as well as any kid entering first grade, hell probably better. He amazes me with words on a daily basis. He knows his numbers and can operate any electronic item known to man. He's a brain!
Blaise hates to potty. He has had a few pee-pee accidents, but nothing extreme. Now pooping is the devil though. I don't understand. For many months he pooped fine then decided it was too much work. He rather poop on himself than to poop in the potty. I have to watch for cues, make him get on the potty, threaten his life, and wait. It's nothing for him to go through 6 pair of undies in an evening with poop stains. It's nothing for me to take him off the potty, stress out that he did nothing, to have him poop on himself moments after we wash our hands. I'm fed up! I've done everything people say do. I've stood in the room. I've coached. I've encouraged. I've spanked. I've lost my mind. I've done everything and nothing works. Absolutely nothing has worked.
I am at the end of my rope! Will he just get it one day? We've been going though this for 6 months now. Why did he regress? Nothing tragic has ever happened in his life, and he lives a pretty great life. Why is it so hard?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I can't die, because I have far too much to live for
I have made major changes in my life lately. I quit smoking. I'm working diligently to loss weight, tone up, exercise, and get healthy. I have committed myself to this business, blaisedENVY. I'm putting more into my relationship with God. I have made major changes and adjustments in my life.
Why???
I have this amazing son I want to watch grow into an amazing man. I have dreams unfulfilled. I have plans. I have too much to live for to worry about dying. That's it. I can't die, because I have far too much to live for.
Be blessed because God is real! Even though I am an emotional wreck, I know that. This is why I am so confident I can beat my issues and keep growing to be an amazing woman.
Amen
Why???
I have this amazing son I want to watch grow into an amazing man. I have dreams unfulfilled. I have plans. I have too much to live for to worry about dying. That's it. I can't die, because I have far too much to live for.
Be blessed because God is real! Even though I am an emotional wreck, I know that. This is why I am so confident I can beat my issues and keep growing to be an amazing woman.
Amen
Dining with friends
There's this woman, a soldier, who tithes at my church. She has done so sight unseen. She had never visited my church, to my knowledge. Her tithes followed a man, well two men. She moved her money when we got a new pastor. He was a member of her church before he became leader of ours. He is an amazing man with an amazing wife and family. I can understand why she would support this church. It's the reason why I support this church, I believe in the vision. So amazed with her faith and humbled by her military sacrifice, a number of the women of St. John Missionary Baptist Church went out for dinner this evening. We just met up in the food court of the mall. We socialized, then we went separate ways and got dinner, then we ate, and again we socialized. We walked the mall. We shopped. We laughed. We just enjoyed each others company.
Wow, this is what happens when you are motivated by good. I dined with eight women from varying backgrounds. There was little gossip, lol, but general enjoyment. I feel blessed to be in the company of this positivity. Too often I find that all my girl to girl conversations are about men, gossip, or something else negative. It was so fun to just interact. I think these are my friends. I know I have to manage these relationships just as I have to manage others, but these are women who are going to teach me things I need to know. In that way, they are my friends and I am blessed.
Eat, drink, and be merry!
Wow, this is what happens when you are motivated by good. I dined with eight women from varying backgrounds. There was little gossip, lol, but general enjoyment. I feel blessed to be in the company of this positivity. Too often I find that all my girl to girl conversations are about men, gossip, or something else negative. It was so fun to just interact. I think these are my friends. I know I have to manage these relationships just as I have to manage others, but these are women who are going to teach me things I need to know. In that way, they are my friends and I am blessed.
Eat, drink, and be merry!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
God wants me to know...that it only takes faith
... that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty.
Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!
Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!
I live so much of my life on faith. I realize that believing is essential. I heard a song this evening that basically said if God never does anything else for me He's already done enough. Wow! My faith has insured so much. He has done enough for me, but I have faith that he has made a lot of decisions for my future!
Emotional island, renters wanted
I am emotionally standing on an island all alone. I've been on this island my entire life. I don't even know any other way. I am emotionally dependent on myself. I came by this the hard way. I would lean on other people and they let me fall. So, I count on me. I depend on me. I rely on me. Emotionally, I stand on an island all alone. But, it's getting damn lonely and cold out here.
I think this self reliance dates back to my childhood. I think it has also set me up to fail. My parents are such individual people. We don't have a family. Actually it's more appropriate to say we are not a family unit. My mother is on her on island where she's an amazing career woman and pillar in the community. My father is on his own island where he's just doing him. He has a farm and friends and stuff. He has his own life. My brother is that in name. We have so little to do with each other that we probably wouldn't know each other from a description alone. My sister is a great woman who makes room for me in her life knowing I don't really belong. I can appreciate who my family is, but I don't have to like it...right?
Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my independence. I am thankful for the strength these relationships have given me. But, it is beginning to suck. I had been dating this guy who was for the most part, self fish, insecure, immature, and ridiculously demanding. I didn't give in to his crap. I didn't entertain him at all. I was dating him for recreation more than anything else. Then a playful comment I made was taken the wrong way. We were texting, and I forgot my dark humor was often lost on him. He went left. He criticized me to death. I was every awful word known to man. I was reliving conversations with my son's father. I remained calm. I didn't bash him for being unemployed, broke, living with only a metal futon and hand me down bed, nothing about his lack of education or drive. I see all those things as obvious to him. Just like me being overweight and knocked around by life. No one wants to be reminded of life gone bad, not even in anger. Too bad he doesn't agree. I got my feelings hurt, again by another man not worth it. But, I never reduced myself to his shit...until I just typed it in this blog, lol. I stayed strong. Now the point is, I never mentioned this until now.
A big reason for this is that when I call a friend to discuss a hard time they tend to monopolize the conversation with bullshit. Or, I call and listen to them have a conversation with someone else in the background. Or, I call and they don't answer and by the time they call back I've worked it out on my own. Or, I call and they disregard my stuff. Or, I call and I am reminded that some people don't listen, they wait to talk. If you ever see this in yourself, STOP it will ruin your relationships. Not to stand here patting myself on the back, but I think I may have out matured a number of my friends...maybe.
I do not trust even my friends with major information in my life. Because what I have learned is you cannot rely on people. You just cannot. A secret is not a secret when you tell one person. And, undoubtedly people will use everything against you if they see the opportunity to hurt you or get ahead. I believe this. I believe that I spend my life on this island because although cold and lonely it's safe here.
So what happens to me? I have already decided that marriage is not an option. At least not in this life time. Maybe this will change, but as of now...NO WAY! I just can't keep giving me to be mistreated or misused. Because at the end of the day, I don't have anyone else worthy or trusted enough to help me out of that pinch.
I think that's why I blog. It's therapeutic. It's exactly what I need to manage this issue. Because although I appreciate the comments and the readers, you cannot judge me, use anything against me, or hurt me. And, I love you for that!!!
I think this self reliance dates back to my childhood. I think it has also set me up to fail. My parents are such individual people. We don't have a family. Actually it's more appropriate to say we are not a family unit. My mother is on her on island where she's an amazing career woman and pillar in the community. My father is on his own island where he's just doing him. He has a farm and friends and stuff. He has his own life. My brother is that in name. We have so little to do with each other that we probably wouldn't know each other from a description alone. My sister is a great woman who makes room for me in her life knowing I don't really belong. I can appreciate who my family is, but I don't have to like it...right?
Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my independence. I am thankful for the strength these relationships have given me. But, it is beginning to suck. I had been dating this guy who was for the most part, self fish, insecure, immature, and ridiculously demanding. I didn't give in to his crap. I didn't entertain him at all. I was dating him for recreation more than anything else. Then a playful comment I made was taken the wrong way. We were texting, and I forgot my dark humor was often lost on him. He went left. He criticized me to death. I was every awful word known to man. I was reliving conversations with my son's father. I remained calm. I didn't bash him for being unemployed, broke, living with only a metal futon and hand me down bed, nothing about his lack of education or drive. I see all those things as obvious to him. Just like me being overweight and knocked around by life. No one wants to be reminded of life gone bad, not even in anger. Too bad he doesn't agree. I got my feelings hurt, again by another man not worth it. But, I never reduced myself to his shit...until I just typed it in this blog, lol. I stayed strong. Now the point is, I never mentioned this until now.
A big reason for this is that when I call a friend to discuss a hard time they tend to monopolize the conversation with bullshit. Or, I call and listen to them have a conversation with someone else in the background. Or, I call and they don't answer and by the time they call back I've worked it out on my own. Or, I call and they disregard my stuff. Or, I call and I am reminded that some people don't listen, they wait to talk. If you ever see this in yourself, STOP it will ruin your relationships. Not to stand here patting myself on the back, but I think I may have out matured a number of my friends...maybe.
I do not trust even my friends with major information in my life. Because what I have learned is you cannot rely on people. You just cannot. A secret is not a secret when you tell one person. And, undoubtedly people will use everything against you if they see the opportunity to hurt you or get ahead. I believe this. I believe that I spend my life on this island because although cold and lonely it's safe here.
So what happens to me? I have already decided that marriage is not an option. At least not in this life time. Maybe this will change, but as of now...NO WAY! I just can't keep giving me to be mistreated or misused. Because at the end of the day, I don't have anyone else worthy or trusted enough to help me out of that pinch.
I think that's why I blog. It's therapeutic. It's exactly what I need to manage this issue. Because although I appreciate the comments and the readers, you cannot judge me, use anything against me, or hurt me. And, I love you for that!!!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Weight Loss...again
I'm finally figuring this weight loss thing out. It's all about knowledge. It's about reading the nutritional information, the scale, and the clothing sizes. It's about being realistic about my expectations and the work required to meet those expectations. I have some long term goals that I'm not ready to commit to, so I need to keep my focus on my short term goals. As I tackle them one by one, I can see how they effect my long term goals.
I am really beginning to make this healthy living stuff work for me!
I am really beginning to make this healthy living stuff work for me!
Mother's Day...yeah sure it is
Mother's Day is beautiful in theory. I spent the day threatening my child in church, helping my mother move furniture, and helping to make it the best day for other people. Is this the curse of the young mom? Are we more daughters and granddaughters than mothers? I did have the opportunity to sneak away for a quick Happy Mother's Day to me pedicure, that my son later stepped on. I just wonder when I get to see the shift. When does the single mother, daughter, and granddaughter get to be appreciated on Mother's Day too? Really, when???
I know this sounds really self fish, but I do wonder when my time comes. I don't mind being a happy appreciative daughter and granddaughter, but I want someone to giddy over me too. Maybe I need a boyfriend or husband, hmmm...
I know this sounds really self fish, but I do wonder when my time comes. I don't mind being a happy appreciative daughter and granddaughter, but I want someone to giddy over me too. Maybe I need a boyfriend or husband, hmmm...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
God wants me to know...the time is now
... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.
You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
God wants me to know...my fears house my rewards
... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.
If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.
Friday, May 8, 2009
God wants me to know...I need to find stories that move my heart
... that to find out who you are becoming find stories that move your heart.
Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming. Look for stories in movies and books that resonate in your heart, and you will find glimpses of your possible futures. What is your favorite story?
Monday, May 4, 2009
HATRED
I have someone in my life who hates me more than any other emotion he has. Hate is an amazing thing. It can have people so jaded. It has made him immune to many things. It has given him tunnel vision. It feeds him, total nourishment. It's a dangerous thing when someone hates you so much that they can survive off it.
God wants me to know...it's okay
it's okay...
Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.
I needed this, because things are crazy. Sometimes I get so caught up in what's going on that I forget to breathe. I think this is easy for mothers, SAHM, WAHM, and mother's working outside the home. You get so involved in everyone else that you forget to take time out to just rest and relax. Sometimes you have to step outside of everything take a break and know that God is going to take care of any problems known or unknown.
My Body is AMAZING
Okay it may not curve exactly, just, where it should. It may not be beach ready or the summer's hottest new thing. It's normal, and it's flawed, and it's working it's ass off for me everyday.
Explained: I've been so stressed out lately. I've had so many changes in my life. There are relationships that have pulled me through so much turmoil I didn't think I would make it through. There are situations that I have beat myself up over, because I created something I didn't think I could handle. I have been in some hard, very difficult, places lately.
In those places I gave into every craving. I ate sugar like it was the only thing on Earth to eat and I washed down every bite with big cup of caffeine. I slept crazy hours, as usual, and killed myself at the gym. I punished myself over and over because of the crazy I'd allowed in my life.
My body never gave in. My body stepped up and made me get myself together. My body started insisting on changes I didn't want to make. It took back control. That's why overweight and out of shape aren't good enough for my body. I have to get it together, because my body is amazing. I have to make the outside fit the inside. I want the world to know.
I want everyone to take a break from complaining about what's not right and appreciate what is.
Explained: I've been so stressed out lately. I've had so many changes in my life. There are relationships that have pulled me through so much turmoil I didn't think I would make it through. There are situations that I have beat myself up over, because I created something I didn't think I could handle. I have been in some hard, very difficult, places lately.
In those places I gave into every craving. I ate sugar like it was the only thing on Earth to eat and I washed down every bite with big cup of caffeine. I slept crazy hours, as usual, and killed myself at the gym. I punished myself over and over because of the crazy I'd allowed in my life.
My body never gave in. My body stepped up and made me get myself together. My body started insisting on changes I didn't want to make. It took back control. That's why overweight and out of shape aren't good enough for my body. I have to get it together, because my body is amazing. I have to make the outside fit the inside. I want the world to know.
I want everyone to take a break from complaining about what's not right and appreciate what is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
